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Buttercups and Porcupine Quills: Women, Anger, and Aggression

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #relationship problems, #therapyforwomen, addictive behaviors, anger, codependency, Cognitive behavioral therapy, depression, eating disorders

I addressed what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day in my previous blog and how our gender socialization impacts how we view and express anger as women. (In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.)

Many of the long term consequences of anger are negative. Yet, anger is part of our biological makeup for both genders. It is part of the fight-or-flight reaction. It had survival value in the past and it has some positives in the present including but not limited to the following:

  1. It can be an appropriate response to injustice (anger may have played a role in social movements that led to equality for women, the elderly, blacks, the disabled, protection of helpless animals, Mothers Against Drunk Driving to name a few)
  2. It is an alerting function that may help us become aware of situations in our life that we need to address directly which may lead to problem solving
  3. It may present an increased motivation to right the wrongs we see in the world as well as in our individual lives

Verbal expressions of anger may include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm. Anger can also be expressed physically by raising a clenched fist, throwing a book on the floor, breaking a pencil or hitting a wall.

Anger crosses the line when it becomes aggression. Aggression has a determined intention to harm another person. Often, it reflects a desire for dominance and control. Weapons are often involved. Aggression can be shown by punching, shoving, hitting or even maiming another person, and it can occur in marital violence, child or elder abuse, bullying, or gang and criminal activities. Research shows that 90% of the time, it is acts of aggression arising from anger that wind up in the criminal justice system. But only 10 percent of anger experiences are actually followed by aggression. People often want to act aggressively when angry but most do not actually take aggressive actions. This is not to say that anger may not have negative and long lasting effects on a marriage or other significant relationships.

Facts about anger:

  • Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives.
  • When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed
  • In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution.
  • Taking a breather using simple tools, such as relaxation techniques and visual imagery, can help soothe angry feelings and may be a good first step before talking to person with whom you are angry.

When is more intensive professional help necessary? There is cause for alarm if:

  • your anger is moderate to intense
  • experienced frequently
  • endures to the point where you are holding a grudge
  • you have plans for revenge and getting even
  • is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions

When you experience anger as outlined above, you are likely at risk for the negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression. There can be a very high cost to anger. The good news is that mental health professionals can help you understand the triggers for your anger and help you develop strategies to control your anger and improve your life. _____________________

The relaxation techniques used to reduce stress can be very helpful in coping with anger and expressing it appropriately. Crossroads Programs for Women offers on demand video psycho-educational lectures which include resource materials and exercises for relaxation. Check them out here: https://crossroadsprogramsforwomenvide.pivotshare.com/

If you believe your anger has become aggression, please call Crossroads for information on how our programs can help. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

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Freedom from Codependency: Are You Surviving or Really Living Life?

04 Sunday Jan 2015

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, therapy for women, women and relationships

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#depression, #panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #relationship problems, #therapyforwomen, addictions, addictive behaviors, anxiety, attachment disorders, codependency

Each life is a tapestry of the individual’s experiences from birth until death. At one time codependency was used to describe the spouse or significant others of people who were chemically dependent. We now know that others, such as adult children of alcoholics, people involved in relationships with the emotionally dysfunctional, and adults who suffered abuse in childhood often have codependent behaviors. It could be someone who spends more time living their lives for others, than for themselves. It could be someone who lets the feelings and actions of others affect them to the point they lose control of their own lives.

Codependence is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior and it is born out of dysfunctional family systems (sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely). As an adult one experiences the painful trauma of the emptiness of one’s childhood and one’s relationships throughout life.

Some attempt to use others (mates, friends, and their children) as their sole source of identity, value and wellbeing, and as a way of trying to restore within one’s self the emotional losses from childhood. Their histories may include other powerful addictions which at times they used to cope with their codependence.

Melody Beattie describes in her book “Codependent No More”, codependents as hostile, controlling, manipulative and crazy. She says they are hostile because they are chronically hurt: they try to control others in a misguided attempt to regain control of themselves: they use manipulation because they believe it is the only way to get things done: and they feel crazy because of living this way. Fortunately, codependency can be overcome, but it takes a strong desire to change and usually requires some kind of therapy.

If one were to try to sum up the vast behaviors it would fit into these few characteristics:

  • Excessive caretaking (with the result being: I take such good care of you, why don’t you anticipate my needs and take care of me sometimes.) BECAUSE: You have trained them to believe you do not need anything
  • Low self-esteem (with the end result being: I only feel good about me when I help others, and if something goes wrong it must be my fault.) BECAUSE: You have accepted you will never be enough and need to feel like a victim, besides I can blame others and that makes me feel better about myself.
  • Denial (codependents ignore, minimize, or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing “things will get better when…” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings; beside it’s really not that bad.”) BECAUSE: If you accept your feelings, you will have to find healthy ways to cope.
  • Fear of anger (codependents are afraid of both own and their loved one’s anger.) BECAUSE: If you accept your feelings you might have the make changes in the relationship.
  • Health Problems (The stress of codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma, high blood pressure, and many other medical, physical, and emotional issues. BECAUSE: The body is trying to send a message. A quote I heard many years ago” If one does not grieve their losses the organs will.” Often trying to deal with the family of origin mandates: Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, and Don’t Trust
  • Addictive Behaviors (Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration) BECAUSE: Addictions numb the psychic, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • If you identify with these behaviors, you can experience a new freedom from your self-defeating lifestyle. The good news is that you are changeable, valuable, loveable, and forgivable. There are many healthy steps of change, the first being able and willing to ask for help. We are all better together–especially in a journey of healing. ______________________

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, is CEO and Founder of Crossroads Programs for Women which offers intensive outpatient programs, online psychoeducational programming, life style and recovery coaching, and individual therapy for women. She serves as the Executive Director of The International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals Foundation Inc. (iaedp), an 800 member professional organization that trains and certifies professionals to treat eating disorders. She has been in the mental health field since 1987.   www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

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Three Year Olds Have a Lot to Teach Adults: The Power of Why Questions

06 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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#eating disorders #crossroads programs for women #diet help, #panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, addictive behaviors, codependency, Cognitive behavioral therapy

Being around a three year old teaches us—as adults—the power of questions.   Ever spent time with a child asking an unending barrage of “why” questions? How many times do adults in frustration say “because I said so—that’s why”? Yet out of the mouths of babes comes a technique that when implemented by an adult as a problem solving tool is a powerful exercise for understanding. In many situations the real problem and its solution are obscured by the apparent problem because we don’t go far enough to identify the actual problem.

The 5 Whys technique was originally developed by Sakichi Toyoda and later used by Toyota Motor Corporation during the evolution of their manufacturing methodologies. Essentially by repeating why five times, the nature of the problem as well as its solution becomes clearer. This process gets people involved using their brains and challenging the status quo.

The power of asking why five times can be implemented in our personal lives very usefully and is often used by life coaches with their clients. How would this work? First, state the problem as you understand it today: “I am feeling very tired and anxious today.”

  • Why are you tired and anxious?  I didn’t sleep well last night. I stayed up too late working on a project that had to be completed by this morning even though I knew that I needed to be rested and at work early today for an important meeting.
  • Why did you wait until the last night to work on the project?  I had intended to do it on Saturday but decided to go shopping and out to dinner instead so I had to finish it last night.
  • Why did you choose to go shopping and out to dinner rather than take care of the project as you planned?  I didn’t want to do the project at all really. I reluctantly offered to help a friend with it when she asked and I instantly regretted it.
  • Why did you offer to do it when you really didn’t want to?  I have a difficult time saying “no” even when I don’t want to do something. When I know how to do something that someone else needs, I feel guilty when I say “no”.
  • Why do you have difficulty saying “no” and meaning it? Everyone counts on me. I want them to like and admire me. I enjoy being viewed as a very capable person. I feel bad about myself when I don’t help out.

 

Can you see that the actual problem isn’t really the late night causing the lack of energy to meet her responsibilities which results in anxiety about the important meeting? The late night and project deadline are the apparent problems. The apparent solution would be not to wait until the last minute to work on a project. Although procrastination and time management are elements of this situation and may need further exploration, focusing on those issues would be working on the symptoms–not the actual problem. The actual problem here is client’s lack of boundaries (#3/4) and issues with codependency (#4/5).

A boundary is always about you. You are not demanding what anyone else must do. You are only setting your own limits on what you are willing to do or not do. Do you have trouble saying no and meaning it? Boundaries help you take control of your life. But many people don’t know where to start.

 

Codependency can cripple and sabotage your life. It involves manipulation, decision making and confrontation avoidance, over controlling, lack of trust, and perfectionism. Most codependents don’t recognize the dysfunction it brings to their lives.

Therapists work with patients to identify and understand the roots of these unhealthy behaviors, the consequences in their lives today from those behaviors, and teach them how to overcome them for healthier future relationships. In life coaching the focus is on the future goal(s) as determined by the client using tools of action plans and accountability. The 5 Why Questions help clarify the real challenges and enhance development of effective solutions to the real problem—not the symptoms.

______________________

­­­­­

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

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Now is the time to Make 2015 Your Best Year Ever!

03 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, addictive behaviors, anxiety, codependency, depression, eating disorders, relationship issues, stress

Make 2015 Your Masterpiece

We have a program this weekend!  Our schedule for November and December here:
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/Workshop%20Schedule.htm
Special pricing during the holidays. Celebrate the New Year with knowledge on how to change your life!  Call us at 800-348-0937 or use the contact form below!

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Thought for the Day: If You Can’t Change the Situation, Change Yourself!

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#depression, #eating disorders #crossroads programs for women #diet help, #panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, addictive behaviors, binge eating, codependency, recovery, stress

The High Cost of Unresolved Issues

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Successful Women in Unhealthy Relationships: Understanding the Recurring Patterns

01 Wednesday Oct 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, therapy for women, Uncategorized

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#crossroads programs for women, #eating disorders #crossroads programs for women #diet help, #panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #therapyforwomen, codependency

I have observed over the years many wonderfully bright and successful women who are obviously mismatched with a life partner or significant other. For some this is not a single experience but rather a pattern of choosing partners who are needy and dysfunctional. Woman who are charming, well educated, and successfully employed who compromise their lives and futures by committing to a man that is obviously Mr. Wrong.

I write this article as the common denominator of two failed marriages and other unsuccessful significant relationships. I say this so you know that I am not judging or writing about material that I have not experienced. I have been on a twenty year journey of being compelled to understand the “why” of it all. Through understanding I hope to help other women understand too. I call myself the “common denominator” as a constant reminder that I was a free and willing participant—and sometimes the aggressive seeker—in these relationships. I will not excuse my actions by assuming the role of a victim. I also refuse to cast the men as the villains in the relationships. In reality we were dysfunctional people, trying to find happiness and making each other miserable.

I previously wrote an article about the destructive attraction between narcissists and codependents. It was cathartic for me in understanding one of my relationships. But what it didn’t explain was my pattern of unhappy relationships because certainly not every man I “loved” was a narcissist.

John Farrar, an author and counselor at Central Michigan University, says, “It appears to cross all age, ethnic, and socioeconomic lines. More descriptively, the pattern is one in which females of virtually any age, from teens to seniors, attach themselves to males who are significantly less capable, achieving or functional than they are.”   Mr. Farrar refers to it as a “recurring nightmare”. His published research comes from working with and surveying over 300 women.

“My investigation has led me to the identification of six causes, or ‘strands’ as I identify them, that lead to these relationship decisions,” Farrar says. “I refer to them as strands because there appear to be many ‘fibers’ that combine to produce the motivation embodied in that strand. In addition, often women have been able to point to more than one motivation, one strand that generated (their) relational choice.”

The first strand that he identified was poor self-esteem or poor self-concept which leads the woman to believe that she is getting all she deserves in her relationship even though friends and family may clearly see the obvious mismatch.

The second strand was nurturing which many anthropologists identify as caretaking and believe is biologically rooted in a woman’s nature. While men, through the millennia, have been hunter-gatherers, women tended to the nest and the offspring. It is a traditionally held view that, even in the age of the computer, feminism and the two-income household, women retain their biologically driven instincts to look after others.”

The third strand was excitement, which explains certain women being drawn to “bad boys.” So do nice guys finish last? To the women and girls in this strand, the answer is yes. These men are seen as more challenging and more exciting than more conventional good guys.

The fourth strand was the need to be nurtured which makes many women vulnerable to a “sugar daddy”. This man brings elements of status to the relationship, Farrar says, such as a nice car, extravagant trips or lavish spending.

The fifth strand is control. This is a common strand identified by more mature women, Farrar notes. “This strand is, in many ways, more complex and difficult to understand fully than many of the others,” he says. “Its origins may be the most difficult to trace and, in all likelihood, probably has its beginnings in many disparate areas. The female who is seeking control, either consciously or unconsciously, may be exhibiting learned behavior from a dominant mother.” In these relationships, he says, either underlying insecurity is guiding these women to needier males, or the women are simply acting out their commitment to a feminist view, which makes them determined not to be dominated by any man.

The sixth strand-chemistry-is the miscellaneous, “there’s just something about him — a certain je ne sais quoi,” catchall strand. “Chemistry addresses the inexplicable biological magnetism and is aimed at accounting for relationships which do not fit into any of the previous five (strands),” Farrar says. “It accounts for relationships between individuals for whom there are no obvious common interests or personality matches. It also explains why a woman is drawn to a male who, on a more rational, cognitive level, she concedes has seemingly little to offer in terms of physical appearance or social status.”

Although I admittedly don’t know how researchers judge the scientific basis of Mr. Farrar’s conclusions, as a woman with life experiences that qualify me to have an opinion, I think his identified “strands” make a lot of sense. I can relate! Can you?

So how can you change and start to make healthier decisions about relationships? After identifying the strands, Farrar took his research a step further and developed strategies to help women choose healthier relationships. Among his suggestions:

  • Recognize personal tendencies.
  • Recognize that sense of self determines direction.
  • Understand that personal beliefs and ideas are the basis of personal choices.
  • Learn the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
  • While biology is a powerful influence, understand that individuals ultimately retain the power to shape their choices.
  • Do the right thing. Come to grips with family background, values and cultural influences.

Therapy will be very helpful on your journey to finding happiness and fulfilling relationships. Therapy will help you identify your faulty thinking and understand the “whys”. Our thoughts affect not only our individual lives but also the totality of life around us. Where you put your energy in thought is important.  If your thoughts are based in negativity and limitations you create a very different life than if your thoughts are rooted in abundance and love. You have the ability to create a meaningful life by changing the way you think.

There is one more element that I would add as significant to a pattern of unhealthy relationships. It is my belief that casual sex or sex outside the bounds of a mature and committed relationship leads many women down a slippery slope. It is said that women have sex to get love and men say they love them to get sex. Said another way, sex represents commitment to most women while to most men it’s just sex…. My coaching for women who are dating is built on a foundation that abstaining from sexual activity is very helpful in realistically evaluating the long term potential of the relationship.

_____________
Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women, has been in the mental health field since 1987. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women, where you can begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

Related Articles
Is Our Sex Crazed Culture Making Us Mentally Unhealthy?
The Destructive Attraction between Codependents and Narcissists

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Goodbye Summer; Hello Fall!

12 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, addiction help, addictive behaviors, anxiety, attachment disorders, binge eating, codependency, depression

I have always loved fall. The crisp air, jackets and pretty sweaters, the leaves in beautiful colors, pumpkin latte, homemade soup! The holidays are right around the corner. But for many, the holidays are filled with disappointments and sadness not the happiness they anticipated. Unrealistic expectations and faulty thinking can sabotage our ability to enjoy life’s simple blessings. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can change your life by changing your thoughts. You can learn how at Crossroads. Don’t procrastinate. Every day counts!

 The High Cost of Unresolved Emotional Issues

  • Broken relationships
  • Unresolved conflicts and wounds
  • Loss of passion
  • Loss of self esteem
  • Loss of dreams
  • Loss of hope
  • Loss of love
  • Unrealized potential
  • Parental failures
  • Loss of physical health
  • Sleep problems
  • Destructive addictive behaviors

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to change the high cost you are paying for your unresolved issues?

If you answered this question with an 8 or above, we can help!  We are scheduling for our September outpatient programs now.  All calls are confidential.

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ANXIETY

01 Thursday May 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Depression, Eating Disorders, therapy for women, women and relationships

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#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders

Crossroads has programs for Anxiety Disorders!

Crossroads has programs for Anxiety Disorders!

Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person’s ability to lead a normal life. Let’s look at two types of anxiety disorders:

Social Anxiety Disorder is the extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations. It is not simply shyness. People with this disorder may have few or no social or romantic relationships, making them feel powerless, alone, or even ashamed.
• About 15 million American adults have social anxiety disorder
• Typical age of onset: 13 years old
• 36 percent of people with social anxiety disorder report symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help
• Usually begins in childhood or adolescence
Although they recognize that the fear is excessive and unreasonable, people with this disorder feel powerless against their anxiety. They are terrified they will humiliate or embarrass themselves.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things, often expecting the worst, even when there is no apparent reason for concern. Sufferers anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.
• Affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year
• Women are twice as likely to be affected
• Disorder comes on gradually and can begin across the life cycle, though the risk is highest between childhood and middle age
• Although the exact cause is unknown, there is evidence that biological factors, family background, and life experiences, particularly stressful ones, play a role.

If you suffer from anxiety, research suggests that you may run a higher risk of experiencing physical health problems. In the past 30 years, there has been considerable interest in the relaxation response and how inducing this state may benefit health. Currently, there is some evidence that relaxation techniques may be an effective part of an overall treatment plan to relieve anxiety.
Women who use yoga to relax during pregnancy reduce their risk of developing anxiety and depression. Stress during pregnancy has been linked to premature birth, low birth weight and increased developmental and behavioral problems in children. A University of Manchester research study shows that women who attend one yoga class a week for eight weeks had decreased anxiety scores compared to those who received normal antenatal treatment. A single session of yoga was found to reduce anxiety by one third and stress hormone levels by 14 per cent.

Coping Strategies for Stress and Anxiety
• Take a time-out. Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, or learn relaxation techniques.
• Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip meals; keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand.
• Limit alcohol and caffeine, Aggravates anxiety
• Get enough sleep. When stressed, your body needs additional sleep and rest.
• Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health.
• Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.
• Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary.
• Do your best. Don’t aim for perfection, which isn’t possible, be proud of how close you get.
• Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?
• Welcome humor. A good laugh goes a long way.
• Maintain a positive attitude. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
• Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community creating a support network and a break from everyday stress.
• Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school, or something else you can identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed or anxious, and look for a pattern.
• Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let them know how they can help you. Talk to a therapist for professional help.

Most people with anxiety who seek treatment, experience significant improvement and enjoy an improved quality of life.
__________________________________
Sources Available Upon Request

Crossroads Programs for Women can help! Call us today 800-348-0937 Our intensive outpatient programs are different!

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