Tag Archives: depression

“NO” is a Complete Sentence

07 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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There are only two words that will always lead you to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, you’ve mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no. Your goals depend on it!  (Jack Canfield)

Looking at the root issues of over commitment whether it is the result of codependency or lack of good boundaries over commitment is something that we often struggle with in our busy world.

No is a power word. It gives a definite sense of self. Children recognize its power very early and go through a stage where it is their favorite word. However, unless we learn to say no we will continue to be stressed and have too much to do and not enough time. And generally it is our ideas, our health, and quality time with our family or our self that suffer. Learning to say NO will release you from the burden of always pleasing others and give you more time and freedom to do what you want and need to do.

Ironically as we learn to say no more, we more than likely feel guilty. Choose to see this as a sign that you are making changes in your life.

You ALWAYS HAVE A RIGHT to Say “No”:

  • When it’s someone else’s issue
  • When it’s something you don’t want to do
  • When there’s something you’d MUCH rather do
  • When it takes away from your values and wishes
  • When you think you’re taken for granted
  • When you deserve or need some time to yourself

You ABSOLUTELY MUST Say “No”:

  • When you’re stressed or overwhelmed
  • When you’re already doing too much
  • When you’re tired or sick, ask yourself: what things in your life do you need to say no to? Don’t overthink it, just write down whatever pops into your heads right now!
  1. ______________________________
  2. ______________________________
  3. ______________________________
  4. ______________________________
  5. ______________________________

What currently stops you from saying “no” to these things? What are your beliefs about saying “no” and what are your beliefs about saying “yes”? Why do you say “Yes” when you’d rather be saying No? How do you BENEFIT by saying “Yes”? Understanding this is an essential step to saying “No” – and valuing your goals, needs and time!

  • When I say “Yes” I feel ­­­­____________________
  • When I say “Yes” I want other people to think I am   ______________________
  • By saying “Yes”, what am I saying “No” to in my own life? _____________________
  • Remember: Whenever we say “Yes” to something, we are saying “No” to something else – even if that something is simply relaxing!
  • When I say “No” I feel ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_______________________
  • When I say “No” I worry other people will think I am _________________
  • By saying “No”, I could say “Yes” to these things in my life ______________________
  • Lastly, when I say “Yes”, but I really want to say “No” I feel ________________
  • My biggest fears about saying “No” are ________________________

When we say “No” to something, it’s an opportunity to make room for something else that is truly important to us. In order to say “No” effectively you need to be in touch with what’s important to YOU – to know YOUR priorities in life. It’s then much easier to say “No” because we’re clear on what we want and need instead. Ask yourself:

    • What is MOST important to ME in life
    • How would I like to spend MORE time?
    • Where would I like to spend LESS time?
    • What is my top priority this year?
    • What is my top priority this month?
    • What is my top priority this week
    • If I had a magic wand I would ….

As with most things in life, there is no one size fits all answer. Everything depends on the relative importance of the situation, people affected, what’s going on in your life at the time, the person asking, your history with them etc. Changing gradually is just fine: If, in the past you have been a “Yes” person, you may want to gradually become a person who says “No”. You may want to take your time and practice on small things, working up. When “No” is the right answer for you, say it pleasantly, assertively and with conviction. If it leaves you feeling strong and good in yourself (even if there is a small amount of guilt) then you have made the right choice for you!

Buttercups and Porcupine Quills: Women, Anger, and Aggression

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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I addressed what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day in my previous blog and how our gender socialization impacts how we view and express anger as women. (In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.)

Many of the long term consequences of anger are negative. Yet, anger is part of our biological makeup for both genders. It is part of the fight-or-flight reaction. It had survival value in the past and it has some positives in the present including but not limited to the following:

  1. It can be an appropriate response to injustice (anger may have played a role in social movements that led to equality for women, the elderly, blacks, the disabled, protection of helpless animals, Mothers Against Drunk Driving to name a few)
  2. It is an alerting function that may help us become aware of situations in our life that we need to address directly which may lead to problem solving
  3. It may present an increased motivation to right the wrongs we see in the world as well as in our individual lives

Verbal expressions of anger may include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm. Anger can also be expressed physically by raising a clenched fist, throwing a book on the floor, breaking a pencil or hitting a wall.

Anger crosses the line when it becomes aggression. Aggression has a determined intention to harm another person. Often, it reflects a desire for dominance and control. Weapons are often involved. Aggression can be shown by punching, shoving, hitting or even maiming another person, and it can occur in marital violence, child or elder abuse, bullying, or gang and criminal activities. Research shows that 90% of the time, it is acts of aggression arising from anger that wind up in the criminal justice system. But only 10 percent of anger experiences are actually followed by aggression. People often want to act aggressively when angry but most do not actually take aggressive actions. This is not to say that anger may not have negative and long lasting effects on a marriage or other significant relationships.

Facts about anger:

  • Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives.
  • When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed
  • In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution.
  • Taking a breather using simple tools, such as relaxation techniques and visual imagery, can help soothe angry feelings and may be a good first step before talking to person with whom you are angry.

When is more intensive professional help necessary? There is cause for alarm if:

  • your anger is moderate to intense
  • experienced frequently
  • endures to the point where you are holding a grudge
  • you have plans for revenge and getting even
  • is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions

When you experience anger as outlined above, you are likely at risk for the negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression. There can be a very high cost to anger. The good news is that mental health professionals can help you understand the triggers for your anger and help you develop strategies to control your anger and improve your life. _____________________

The relaxation techniques used to reduce stress can be very helpful in coping with anger and expressing it appropriately. Crossroads Programs for Women offers on demand video psycho-educational lectures which include resource materials and exercises for relaxation. Check them out here: https://crossroadsprogramsforwomenvide.pivotshare.com/

If you believe your anger has become aggression, please call Crossroads for information on how our programs can help. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

Now is the time to Make 2015 Your Best Year Ever!

03 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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Make 2015 Your Masterpiece

We have a program this weekend!  Our schedule for November and December here:
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/Workshop%20Schedule.htm
Special pricing during the holidays. Celebrate the New Year with knowledge on how to change your life!  Call us at 800-348-0937 or use the contact form below!

Pain is Inevitable: Suffering is Optional?

17 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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It is true that pain and sadness are part of the journey of life. I recently read this: “There is sadness but there is no suffering.” It was a statement meant to challenge most individuals’ belief about pain and suffering. The writer went on to say that pain and sadness are part of life but it is only when we resist our feelings that suffering happens.

When pain happens our natural tendency is to resist and deny the feelings. But…are we really denying ourselves when we resist our feelings? A second response is to run away from the feelings in a panic. But running away is followed by running after the feelings in order to control them. These actions actually reinforce the feelings as they subconsciously demand that we face them.

How can we break the cycle and avoid needless suffering? We must allow ourselves to be aware of the feeling. Then we need to acknowledge the feeling. The final step is to accept the feeling. So the thoughts change from I have lost that person/thing and I can’t go on (resistance) to I have lost that person/thing and I am sad.

The suffering lessens as we accept our sadness as a normal response to the loss. Then the process of healing can begin. Thus the writer’s statement: There is sadness but no suffering. Change is inevitable in life and often causes pain. If we can learn to face our feelings, we can accept their legitimacy in our journey.

We get stuck in our lives due to many factors: wounds of the past, conflicts of the present, and fears of the future. At Crossroads, we help women identify and accept their own definition of normal as part of their journey to happiness.  We provide a therapeutic setting free of judgment or shame to allow women to explore their needs and recognize how to achieve their goals. With expert guidance and a supportive environment of women who share your struggles, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you.

Our next program:
Learning to Love Yourself
Saturday October 25th – Tuesday October 28th! 

There is still time to be part of this compassionate journey to self-acceptance and healing pathway to self-fulfillment, a Four Day Intensive Outpatient Program.  Call us for more information 800-348-0937.  All inquiries are confidential  Or click on this link or copy and paste into your browser for more information!http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/WellsofChangeProgram.html
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

 

 

[1] Article references available upon request

Goodbye Summer; Hello Fall!

12 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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I have always loved fall. The crisp air, jackets and pretty sweaters, the leaves in beautiful colors, pumpkin latte, homemade soup! The holidays are right around the corner. But for many, the holidays are filled with disappointments and sadness not the happiness they anticipated. Unrealistic expectations and faulty thinking can sabotage our ability to enjoy life’s simple blessings. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can change your life by changing your thoughts. You can learn how at Crossroads. Don’t procrastinate. Every day counts!

 The High Cost of Unresolved Emotional Issues

  • Broken relationships
  • Unresolved conflicts and wounds
  • Loss of passion
  • Loss of self esteem
  • Loss of dreams
  • Loss of hope
  • Loss of love
  • Unrealized potential
  • Parental failures
  • Loss of physical health
  • Sleep problems
  • Destructive addictive behaviors

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to change the high cost you are paying for your unresolved issues?

If you answered this question with an 8 or above, we can help!  We are scheduling for our September outpatient programs now.  All calls are confidential.

Depression and Anxiety: The Silent Struggle of Women Who Try to Do It All

12 Thursday Jun 2014

Posted by in Depression, Eating Disorders, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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In an era of multi-tasking, trying to have it all (marriage, children, and career), and high expectations, women are experiencing higher levels of anxiety than our mothers faced a generation ago. Depression and anxiety are different conditions, but they commonly occur together and have similar treatments. They are two of the most common mental health concerns in our society and are often experienced as a complex set of emotional and functional challenges. It is not uncommon for people with depression to experience anxiety and people with anxiety to become depressed. There is also overlap in some of the treatments, so it is beneficial to learn about both conditions.

The science of mind-body medicine helps us understand the ongoing connection between the mind and body and see how anxiety and depression may be triggered by a variety of factors. These can include nutritional, psychological, physical, emotional, environmental, social, and spiritual factors, as well as genetic tendencies or brain disease.

Depression is a common disorder, affecting over 350 million people worldwide. It is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person’s family, work, or school life; sleeping and eating habits; and general health. In the United States, the incidence of depression has increased every year in the past century, and now, according to the Centers for Disease Control, one out of ten people report experiencing a depressive episode.  Depression is typically characterized by low energy and mood, low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. Women are 70% more likely than men to experience depression in their lifetime. Men and women experience depression differently—while women tend to experience sadness and guilt, men often feel restless or angry and are more likely to turn to alcohol and drugs to cope. Depression causes unnecessary suffering and is a risk factor for suicide.

Anxiety disorder is characterized by emotional, physical, and behavioral symptoms that create an unpleasant feeling that is typically described as uneasiness, fear, or worry. The worry is frequently accompanied by physical symptoms, especially fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, and hot flashes. Emotional symptoms include fear, racing thoughts, and a feeling of impending doom. People suffering from anxiety often withdraw and seek to avoid people or certain places.  When suffering from moderate to severe symptoms of depression or anxiety, it is critical to have a working relationship with a provider, or team of providers, who can help you choose your treatment approach and evaluate its effectiveness. The providers may include a primary care physician, nurse practitioner, psychotherapist, or other professional who is philosophically aligned with you, as well as integrative therapy providers. If you are taking any oral natural supplements in combination with conventional prescription medications, it is critical for both the prescriber and the pharmacist to be aware which supplements you are taking.  The Anxiety and Depression Association of America estimates that almost one out of five people suffer from an anxiety disorder, making it the most common mental disorder in the United States. While generalized anxiety disorder is the most common, there are other anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, phobias, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

We often respond to stressful events in ways that are not particularly helpful. It is important to know that adjusting your attitude can reduce stress. Try the following tips:

  • Accept that there are events you cannot control.
  • Don’t worry about what you can’t change.
  • Be assertive instead of passive or aggressive. Assert your feelings, opinions, or beliefs instead of becoming angry, combative, or passive.
  • Divide large tasks into smaller components to make jobs less overwhelming.
  • Schedule your time wisely and honestly, always allowing time for interruptions and unplanned change.
  • Cognitive behavioral therapy is an effective approach for dealing with distressing thoughts or feelings.

What consumes your mind, controls your life. You can change your thinking and change your life.

Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. At Crossroads we help you recover from your past, reclaim your dreams, and renew your spirit. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

 

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The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists

10 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by in therapy for women

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The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists

Have you assessed the relationships in your life, both past and present, and wondered why you attract the same type of man or woman over and over?  There has been a lot written in the field of psychology about the attraction between codependents and narcissists.

Basically, narcissists focus on themselves; codependents focus on others.  For purposes of definition, a narcissist is a person who displays abnormal self-love with an exaggerated sense of superiority. They often seek attention and admiration from others and believe that they are better than others and are therefore entitled to special treatment. A narcissist is very charming in order to seduce people into liking them.  Their ability to seduce is amazing.  They want you to fall in love and bond with them so they can finally emerge as their true selves without being abandoned. The narcissist is attracted to the codependent who feels perfect to them because they are allowed to take the lead which makes them feel powerful, competent, and appreciated.  Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD) is a personality disorder which can be diagnosed and treated by a mental health professional.

Codependency is a learned behavior in which a person enters a relationship with another person and becomes emotionally dependent on him or her. Codependent people maintain an exaggerated sense of responsibility toward the other people in their relationships. They tend to do more than their share in their relationships and are hurt when they do not get recognition for it. Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.  They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated.  They often are sensitive to criticism, are inflexible to change and have problems with intimacy.

Codependency is not considered a mental disorder.  However, it is a set of unhealthy behaviors which can cripple and sabotage the lives we desire because it involves manipulation, decision making and confrontation avoidance, over controlling, lack of trust, and perfectionism.

Codependents find narcissistic partners deeply appealing.  They are attracted to their charm, boldness, and confident personality.  When the narcissist and the codependent become partners, the romance sizzles with excitement in the beginning.  But the narcissist fears a loss of identity and is sensitive to everything that leads to bonding.  They might pick fights and uproars to avoid bonding, use seduce and withhold behaviors, and many other ways to sabotage intimacy and bonding.   Eventually the thrilling romance transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and feeling trapped.

Codependents confuse care taking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.  They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated. Codependents desire harmony and balance but they consistently chose a partner to whom they are initially attracted but will eventually resent.  They are resistant to leaving their partner because of their lack of self esteem and self respect.  What they fail to realize is that without self esteem or self respect, they are  incapable of choosing a mutually giving and unconditionally loving partner.  Their fear of being alone, compulsion to fix the relationship at any cost, and comfort with the martyr role is often an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child. Although codependents dream of an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to pick narcissistic partners.

Both forms of dysfunction are often the result of childhood experiences.  The narcissist has often experienced excessive pampering, neglect, or abuse.  The codependent has usually learned the behavior from other family members. It is important to note neither condition is gender specific. A narcissist can be a man or woman and likewise a codependent can be a man or woman. Narcissists are often sex addicts or love addicts.   In the past male narcissistic sex addicts have been referred to as “Don Juan or Casanova” and females as “black widow spiders”.

In psychotherapy narcissists are encouraged to develop more realistic self-esteem and expectations for other people. Codependents benefit from group therapy to help them rediscover their identity and stop self-defeating behavior.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you.

Our next program:  Learning to Love Yourself, Saturday October 25th – Tuesday October 28th!  There is still time to be part of this compassionate journey to self-acceptance and healing pathway to self-fulfillment, a Four Day Intensive Outpatient Program.  Click on this link or copy and paste into your browser for more information!http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/WellsofChangeProgram.html
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

800-348-0937

 

[1] Article references available upon request

Video

Wells of Change Outpatient Program at Crossroads

10 Monday Feb 2014

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Wells of Change 4 day Intensive Outpatient Program for Women
Excerpts from a conversation with Kellie Branch-Dircks, LCSW, and Lynne Oliver, LCSW, about this life changing intensive outpatient program for women.
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com
800-348-0937

Video

The Importance of Connections

10 Monday Feb 2014

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This video blog explains the role connections play in a healthy life. What happens when we become disconnected when a woman struggles with depression, codependency, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, relationship issues, grief and loss.
Crossroads Programs for Women
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com
800-348-0937

Body Image: The Problem and The Difficult Solutions

25 Friday Oct 2013

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Image

Men and women often struggle with body image issues, now called body dysmorphic disorder.  If you have an eating disorder you more than likely will struggle with issues related to body image, but you can struggle with body issues and not have an eating disorder.  The definition of body image is our mental representation of us.  It is influenced by our feeling, which influences our behavior, thinking and self-esteem.  These body perceptions, feelings, and beliefs govern our life plan, who we meet, who we marry, the nature of our interactions, day-to-day comfort level, and the tendency toward psychological disorders.  Many issues are involved in assessing your body image.  They include your weight and diet history, your parents’ perception of your birth, the story of your birth, your name, and your parents nurturing style.  Also if you had any medical interventions as a child, peer acceptance, and sexual identification.

In each family we learned how to be male and female and all the implications and factors involved with this affects how we feel about our bodies.  Some of these would be our ego ideals, menstruation, developing bodies, pregnancy, menopause and aging are just a few.  The biggest influence in our society today on young boys and girls is the media where children are being influenced by what they see, which is an illusion. Considering their steady diet of observing children being sexualized, perfect bodies created by computer programs designed to remove any flaws and remove the normal curves of a body, is it any wonder that our children learn to distain their bodies and strive for the perfection that is impossible.  Our youth are selling their souls to buy the right products, get the necessary surgery, and in the process, they disconnect from their bodies and spend the rest of their lives trying to find the answers.  The sadness to me is to observe our youth living their lives as copies and some never find the awesomeness of how they were created to be unique and original.

 To determine how you feel about your body I recommend you write a letter to your body and fill in the blanks, 

 Dear Body:

I hate it when______________.

I do not like it when__________.

I am fed up with____________.

I love you because___________.

Thank you for ______________.

I appreciate you when________.

I want_____________________.

I’m afraid__________________.

I feel scared because__________.

I am guilty for _______________.

I am sorry that_______________.

Please forgive me for _________.

 Once you recognize and accept what you feel toward your body you can begin to make changes: Here are some suggestions:

  1. Develop criteria for self-esteem that go beyond appearance.
  2. Learn to appreciate how your body functions.
  3. Engage in behaviors that make you feel good about yourself.
  4. Reduce exposure to negative media images.
  5. Exercise for strength, fitness, and health, not just for weight control.
  6. Seek out others who respect and care about your body.
  7. Get out of abusive relationships.
  8. Identify and change habitual negative thoughts about your body.
  9. If you are stuck, seek help.
  10. Work on what you can change and accept what you can’t

You have been given your body by God.  No, it is not perfect.  But learning to love it, take care of it and changing your negative views can bring incredible joy as you connect and accept your body and learn gratitude and acceptance.  What a Gift! 

Mary Bellofatto MA, LMHC, NCC, CEDS, TEP, has spent the last 35 years assisting individuals in their journey of healing. Look for up and coming workshops with Mary at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin, where you can begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  It’s called finding the real me.  God made you an original, stop trying to be a copy.

Upcoming Workshops with Mary at Crossroads:

Reclaim Your Hope!

November 15-17, 2013

www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com