Tag Archives: #therapyforwomen

Dancing in a Minefield

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, parenting teens, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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Guest Blogger:  Lynne Oliver, LCSW Crossroads Programs for Women

I read somewhere that there is a delicate dance between parents and their emerging teens. Goody, goody gumdrops for that writer! My husband and I raised eight of them and our “delicate dance: was more like dancing in a minefield. We certainly were not “Dancing with the Stars” in our home. We were in a minefield and there were bombs exploding all around us. Sometimes we were throwing grenades as well. Although we were dancing as fast as we could, we were often running on empty.

For me, the first order of business was to clean up my own habits. Many of us have suitcases of guilt, bulging with unfinished business and rotten behaviors. For some reason we carry them around and even unpack them at times. How goofy is that? We sure can’t navigate through a minefield hauling that big bag of clunky junk around.

So what can we do?

Well, I live in Realville, so I chose to put my super hero cape away and join the race- the human race- and develop some survival skills. I also had to accept that I will never do the right thing all the time, but I will show up and love my child wherever they are at that moment. There is no magic formula and there is only one way out – through the minefield. . Parents need to redeem the time with their teens because life has no pause button. “Despite some adults’ negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what’s fair and right. So although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help them grow into the distinct individuals they will become.” (unknown)

Anger is normal and universal. It is at epic proportions in our country. Parents must confront it wisely and carefully. We don’t want our child’s anger to detonate, wounding her and others. We don’t want it delayed so that it strikes in the form of many explosions later and perhaps damages the child permanently. Instead we want to defuse the anger as it comes along carefully and gently. Growth is a process. Immature people express anger unpleasantly. (We need to make sure we aren’t the immature ones.)

Because we love our child, we want him to become a young adult of maturity, confidence and integrity. We are willing to pay whatever price is necessary to attain that goal. We may not be able to control the outside world, but we can change the inside world of your home. We must be intentional in creating an oasis at home where anyone is welcome anytime.

We all have a heritage and we all pass down a legacy to our children. We want to pass down a positive spiritual, emotional and social legacy. Separately, each strand of this cord cannot hold much weight, but when wrapped together they are strong. Parents need to evaluate what we are doing now that either contributes to or detracts from building that legacy. If I want my children to remember me as a constant safe place in their lives, I must make the conscious choice to be a safe place for them on a daily basis. If I’m too busy to calm their Big Feelings or listen to their hopes and dreams, then I am too busy.

At the root of much teenage misbehavior is an empty love tank. Parents need to keep their teens’ emotional tanks filled. Love is our greatest ally. If parents are running on empty, they need to fill their tanks first. For me that means doing some things that bring me joy and contentment .Everyone has her own pockets of joy. Often, the best place to start is with breathing. Breathe in, breathe out, and breathe often. If you have a teen, you appreciate what I am saying. If not, let me try to help you understand. 1) Your beautiful talented daughter nervously stands in the kitchen with tears in her eyes. When you ask her what is wrong, she announces she is pregnant. Breathe. 2) The high school principal phones and tells you that your son has been arrested for illegal drugs. Breathe.

Laugh. Try to find something to laugh about. Laughter is free and, like breathing, anyone can do it. You don’t need any special equipment and you can even do it sitting down. I don’t suggest laughing hysterically in the Walmart parking lot to fill your tank. This could make people parked near you a bit nervous. (Don’t ask how I know, but I know) Pick your time and place.

Our family values are the compass that guides our teens. They are yearning for boundaries and good directions. Unconditional love gives the teen a soft place to land when she falls. When we love one another, we find hope. I don’t have a magic wand, but I have learned that communicating unconditional love to our teens is a fine place to start. An acronym for Love is “Living our values everyday”.

My journey has taught me that some things just don’t matter. Blue hair, messy room, loud music- a few of the “don’t matters”. Pick your battles wisely. Finally, remember the Parent of Teen motto, “We’re going through this together, and we’ll come out of it- together.”

Lynne Oliver, MSW, LCSW,  describes herself as a not so perfect (NSP) Mother  to 8 NSP kids. She is a NSP Grandma to 17 NSP grands and wife to one very patient NSP man. She says, “My children have taken me on journeys where I did not want to go and down roads I did not want to travel. Along the way I have learned a few things and I am living proof that perfection is overrated.”  She currently works as a medical social worker for Methodist Hospital and is a workshop facilitator at Crossroads Programs for Women.

April 2016 Programs for Moms and Daughters:

Putting the Sparkle Back in Your Daughter’s Crown:
ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAM FOR  TEEN GIRLS

Do any of these behaviors sound like your daughter?

  • Angry, irritable
  • Quick Temper
  • Easily annoyed, resentful
  • Defiant, Argumentative
  • Blames others for their mistakes

Outpatient Anger Management Groups Starts April 6th:

  • Six week program
  • Wednesday evenings beginning April 6, 2016
  • 7-8:30 pm
  • Girls ages 13 – 18 years old
  • Insurance accepted
  • $399
  • Call today! Group size is limited.
  • All calls are confidential
411:  Help for Mothers of Teens and Young Women 
This program is available in a four week coaching format. Scheduling is flexible to accommodate your schedule.  Sessions are 2.5 hours each.
Facilitator:  Bonnie Harken NCLC
Program Description:
Helping troubled kids or supporting young adults who are struggling is not for the faint hearted!  It is often a time when you feel alone and confused.  This coaching program is designed to offer support as you feel overwhelmed, disappointed, and isolated.  Helping your child and trying to keep up with your other responsibilities can be exhausting. It can also cause conflict in your relationships with others.  Learn how to restore balance to your life as you go through this challenging time!
Email or call for more information!
 
 
Call today.  No obligation.  All calls are confidential. Or email us here

                                  1-800-348-0937

What is life coaching?  Watch this video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Have More Satisfying Relationships: Examine Your Expectations

18 Monday Jan 2016

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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bigstock-painted-red-heart-in-the-palms-27807170What is the difference between expectations, needs, and desires? Expectations are hopes and beliefs that are focused on the future and may or may not be realistic. A need is something that is necessary for healthy relating and living. Do you know what is essential for you to have a healthy relationship (i.e. fidelity, kindness, lack of drug or alcohol addiction, etc.)? What are your deal breakers or non-negotiables? A desire is a preference about something you would like to have or receive.

If you are continuously disappointed by the people in your life, perhaps you are doing them a disservice by expecting what they cannot deliver. Unrealistic expectations can lead to anger, frustration and resentment. By rethinking your attitude toward others, you can be happier in your relationships and life.

  1. Why adjust your expectations? One reason to take unrealistic expectations seriously is that studies have shown that people who harbor these expectations are prone to anxiety, depression and unhappiness. Being more realistic may improve your contentment and emotional health.
  2. The habit of expecting too much from people often comes from childhood. Many of us think in terms of perfection when we are younger, but as adults we learn the perfect man, the perfect child, the perfect friend, the perfect job and the perfect body are impossible goals. Did you learn this habit when you were young? If so, try to give others approval, compliments and reassurance in place of expectations.
  3. Make a list of those who often disappoint you.  By acknowledging these disappointing feelings, you may see a pattern of people at work or home. (One caution here: if there is one area of your life where there are complex problems, you may not be able to have realistic expectations until other issues are resolved.)
  4. Understand expectations and dependence. We are often harder on the people who are close to us. When we depend upon someone, there are more personal consequences when they don’t come through. If your list is filled with people that you are close to, perhaps you rely too heavily on them. Not everyone has the same skill set. Reassess whether they have unreasonable responsibilities placed upon them.
  5. Make a list of the “good” qualities of the people you love. Perhaps a positive trait is connected to a negative trait that you did not see at the beginning of your relationship. (An honest person may wear their heart on their sleeve. An extrovert may be very opinionated. It is the old adage of a two edged sword!) It is easier to get a realistic view of someone’s personality than try to change a trait so that it is ideal in your eyes.
  6. Are you too focused on yourself? The psychotherapist Albert Ellis once said, “Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to. It may be preferable, but not necessary.” You might consider engaging in a sympathy or empathy-building activity. Attend a support group, volunteer at a shelter, help out at a hospital or any other activity where you are in a supporting role rather than an organizing role that gives you a chance to view real people and help them.
  7. Television and movies are not real life models! Hollywood depicts an unrealistic view of the world. Replace the “storybook ending” with time with people you love or choose options that depict people with both strengths and weaknesses. Caution: TV reality shows are not reality!
  8. What about self-help books? These books can be helpful for creating goals and positive thoughts but those goals can also be unrealistic. Take into account that those you interact with are often cycling through highs and lows and may not be their “best self” all the time.
  9. Don’t expect others to read your mind! Never expect someone to know how you’re feeling if you haven’t told them. Many times we expect people to understand how we feel just by looking or talking to us. People’s emotional mindsets may be entirely different, so they should not be held accountable for something they were unaware of.
  10. Consider realistic expectations a valuable skill set. As soon as you are able to redefine your expectations for people, you can use those skills in other areas of your life.

Unrealistic expectations can deprive you of a full, interesting, and satisfying life. They can form a set of limiting beliefs that get in the way of making meaningful changes. The good news is that you can reframe your expectations and have more satisfying relationships.

__________________ Sources available upon request.

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum in four and five day intensive outpatient formats.   We also offer group and individual life coaching. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Bonnie Answers Questions about Herself and Crossroads Programs

13 Sunday Sep 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, women and relationships

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In a recent radio interview I was asked a lot of questions about myself and Crossroads Programs for Women.  I am posting this article because it may answer some of the questions others have.

My background:

  • I have been in the eating disorders treatment field since 1987.
  • I was a founding officer of Remuda Ranch Centers for Anorexia and Bulimia Inc. in Arizona.  I worked during research and development and then serving as a Vice President until February 2002.
  • Since February 2002 I have served as the Managing Director of The International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals Foundation (iaedp).
  • I have served many major treatment facilities as a consultant.
  • In January 2012 I founded Crossroads Programs for Women, a division of Crossroads Programs Inc.   Crossroads is located in a historic, beautiful 1862’s home in Pekin, Illinois.
  • In 2014 I became a Nationally Certified Life Coach through the Addictions Academy. I offer recovery and life coaching at Crossroads, adding another component to our treatment continuum.

My past service and board memberships include

  • President of the Methodist Hospital Volunteers, Peoria IL
  • Vice President and Treasurer Pekin YWCA Board of Directors
  • Pekin Hospital Fundraising Ball Co-Chair
  • President of Scottsdale AZ Metropolitan Business and Professional Women’s Association,
  • President of the iaedp Board of Directors
  • I currently serve on Human Capital Executive Research Board (HCERB), which is the business intelligence arm of Diversity Executive and Talent Management magazines.
  • I was recently been named a VIP Woman of the Year for Illinois in the nonprofit sector by the National Association of Professional Women.
  • Member, Eating Disorders Non Profit Leadership Council

Why did you decide to start Crossroads Programs for Women at a time in your life when many women your age are retiring? 

  • Women helping women is not a new idea at all. Paul’s letter to Titus two thousand years ago spoke about older women mentoring and encouraging younger women as they struggle with situations and challenges in their lives.
  • Since I entered the mental health field as a business professional in the late 1980’s, I have witnessed firsthand how our modern culture and the woundedness of life has caused wonderful women to get stuck in their emotional pain.
  • And I have been blessed to watch as they heal those wounds and move on to live full, productive lives.
  • When this wonderful historic home went on the market, I knew it would be a wonderful, safe and secure environment for women to come and work on their issues.
  • With God’s help, I was able to purchase the property. With the help of my family and friends as we prepared the property, we now offer therapeutic programs, individual therapy, and life/recovery coaching for women there.

Why do you think God wants women to reach out to women?

  • Well, for one thing, we can do it better than anyone else. I say this without any apology whatsoever. Only a woman knows what it’s like to go through a difficult pregnancy. To suffer PMS or postpartum blues.
  • Most of us know what it is to work through the terrible fatigue that results from chasing toddlers for hours on end.
  • Most of us can relate to the boredom and isolation of speaking to children all day in monosyllables.
  • Only a woman understands the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) discrimination sometimes confronted both at work and at church.
  • Only a woman can really understand how another woman feels.
  • And only a woman can follow up properly. It’s easy for us to call each other and ask, “How did the talk with your husband go yesterday?” “Are you feeling better?” “Why don’t you come over for coffee? We can talk a little more and pray together.”
  • This type of loving concern and practical advice often will defuse conflicts before they reach a crisis stage that threatens the marriage or requires long-term professional counseling.

Why do you think women have so many struggles when we live in country where we are so blessed with so many opportunities?

  • Certainly in America women have more opportunities than women in many parts of the world. But with those opportunities come challenges.
  • With careers comes stress – trying to balance all responsibilities of career, home, children, relationships
  • Our culture sets a standard of beauty that very few woman meet – not even the models in magazines are real images – most are photoshopped to make them thinner, taller…perfect! Cindy Crawford, the famous model, is quoted as saying she wishes she looked like Cindy Crawford.
  • Divorce is rampant which leaves most women in a position where they have far less financial resources to care for their children and a great many of them have little or no support from extended family in caring for their children.
  • The world’s casual view of relationships and sex. With the loss of valuing purity and taking time to establish a relationship and a long term commitment, the consequences of these casual or non-committed relationships are often devastating to women.
  • Another result of casual sex is abortion. Many women carry emotional scars after abortion.
  • Everywhere I go, I hear the same cry from women—young and old, rich and poor, married and single. “I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m discouraged and depressed. My husband just doesn’t understand my needs. My mother isn’t there for me. Does anybody care? Will anybody help me, or even listen to me?”

The outcome is that women often lose their connections. Our Connections determine who we are.   Our ability to connect emotionally and spiritually determines the quality of our lives.

  • So loss of connection is caused by:
  • Emotional pain that can come from many causes but it is too difficult to face alone.
  • These causes may include but are not limited to: depression, codependency, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, relationship issues, abuse, trauma, grief and loss, and other situational stressors.

What are the symptoms of the loss of connections?

  • Diminished vitality, fatigue
  • Disempowerment
  • Confusion, lack of clarity
  • Diminished self-worth
  • Isolation (Turning away from relationships)

Women today are pushing themselves to a level of excellence that destroys:

  • Their creativity
  • Their spontaneity
  • Their connections

In pursuit of meaning, we take on roles that no longer work for us, we become exhausted and resentful and we disconnect as a means of survival.What do you mean by the “roles” we take on? 

It’s really about taking an unrealistic view of our identity and thereby guiding our actions, relationships, and life to fit into that identity.

  • Superwoman
  • Victim
  • Savior
  • Perfect wife and mother
  • Award winning successful career woman
  • I see many women trying to be super women pushing themselves to unrealistic expectations in what they can achieve
  • After a trauma we can assume a role of victim which can become our view of ourselves
  • Some of us try to be “different” than God created us to please another person.
  • Understand: The more fragile you are, the more rigid you become! You take a role and you hang on to it until you are locked into that role You are exhausted but don’t know how to move out of the role

So how do you break out of a destructive role?

  • There is a way out of unhealthy roles thru the power of connection
  • first to yourself,
  • finding out who you are
  • what are your needs?
  • what are your dreams

Your reality is:

  • your behaviors
  • your feelings
  • your thinking

Many of us have layers and layers of emotions and faulty thinking that are too complex to figure out on our own

  • A therapist can be very helpful, and in many cases, necessary to help us find our path forward.
  • After you start to reconnect with yourself, then reach out to others. The first step for most is to seek professional help to understand what has disconnected you from your sense of self. After you reconnect with yourself, you then reach out to others to connect or reconnect with them. 
  • Disconnection can affect our relationship with God because when we are locked in a rigid role it requires a lot of energy and self-focus to maintain. As we bring our life back into balance we can once again have the joy of a full connection to God.

What are the questions for women to ask themselves?

  • Have I shut down and lost connection to myself and others?
  • Am I locked in a “role” that no longer fits?
  • Do I need to change my thinking to change my live?
  • How do I do that?
  • If you have tried to make changes but have been unable to follow through and make those changes, you need additional help to commit to change, it is time to seek some professional help.

What happens when we begin to connect again?

  • Outcomes of Connection:
  • You feel a greater sense of “zest” (vitality, energy)
  • You feel more able to act and do act
  • You have a more accurate picture of yourself and the other person(s)
  • You feel a greater sense of worth
  • You feel more connected to the other person(s)
  • You have greater motivation for connections with other people beyond those in the specific relationship

Tell me about the programs you offer at Crossroads.

  • We offer intensive outpatient programs. We concentrate a small group therapy experience into an intensive format. We have a daily program that is 8 hrs long and is presented in a lecture, an experiential, and a group therapy schedule. So a 5 day program is 40 hrs of therapy over a 5 day period. A 4 day program is 32 hrs of therapy over a 4 day period.  Since most group therapy session are approximately 1 hour long, this 5 day format is the equivalent to many months of weekly group sessions.
  • Also working in a group with other women, is considered one of the fastest vehicles for self discovery as we relate to the experience of others in a safe and secure environment. 

Psychodrama is part of our treatment process. What is psychodrama?  Psychodrama is a:

  • holistic, strengths‐based method of psychotherapy
  • people are helped to enact and explore situations from their own life ‐ past, present and future.

The scenes enacted may be based on

  • specific events in a person’s life,
  • their current or past relationships,
  • unresolved situations,
  • desired roles or inner thoughts and conflicts.
  • The method is typically used in group settings, with group members taking on the various roles in the drama as needed.
  • Witnessing and participating in each others’ personal stories can generate feelings of deep understanding and trust amongst group members.

What kind of emotional issues does psychodrama help? 

  • Psychodrama allows for the safe expression of strong feelings and, for those who need it, the practice of containing emotions.
  • As participants move from ‘talking about’ into action, opportunities arise to heal the past, clarify the present and imagine the future.
  • Psychodrama can offer a wider perspective on individual and social problems and an opportunity to try out new behaviours.

Psychodrama can, for example:

  • help people to better understand themselves and their history,
  • resolve loss and trauma,
  • overcome fears,
  • improve their intimate and social relationships,
  • express and integrate blocked thoughts and emotions,
  • practice new skills or prepare for the future (aftercare plan)

Each psychodrama addresses the concerns of the person who is in focus. The range of issues may be wide. The person who shares their work is chosen sociometrically by the group, highlighting the group concern. Hence all members of the group also share in the work in a personal way.

Do therapists have to have special training to use psychodrama?

  • Yes, there is a certification process for clinicians who want to utilize this method to enhance their clients’ treatment.
  • Mary Bellofatto, a masters prepared therapist from Naples FL, is the psychodrama clinician at Crossroads. She is certified and a certified trainer of psychodrama for other clinicians. She is also a Certified Eating Disorders Specialist and she treats a wide range of emotional issues. She has been a clinician for over 35 years and brings an extensive wisdom and knowledge to her treatment process. We are thrilled to have Mary as one of our workshop facilitators at Crossroads Programs for Women. She is nationally recognized as an expert in her field.

What about the spiritual aspects of healing? How do you address those at Crossroads?

  • We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective. It is widely recognized that all healing has a spiritual dimension. Ours is defined so that women coming to our programs know the values and focus of our therapy.

What is life and recovery coaching?

  • Life coaching is a wonderful enhancement to the therapy process. A therapist will help you understand the behavioral blocks that are affecting you. Coaching is about helping you set goals, determining the steps to attaining them, and during the process.
  • Recovery coaching includes life coaching techniques but is also focused on sustaining recovery.
  • Who benefits from coaching? If a woman is going through a situation in life and needs support in setting her goals to obtain a desired outcome, then coaching may be the answer. Many of the issues we work on together include relationship problems, anxiety, codependency, loss, letting go, and life transitions.
  • In coaching we look at life balance and how to live a more satisfied life. What are your closing thoughts you would like share?

Does a person have to be in therapy to participate in your coaching programs?

  • No, it is available as a stand alone program for those who do not have more complex problems.  However, for those with more complex situations, it is a very helpful enhancement to their journey of healing.

What other things would you like people to know?

  • Life is complicated and women face many complex issues and difficult situations throughout their lives. Crossroads is dedicated to helping women who struggle with depression, codependency, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, relationship issues, grief and loss, and other situational stressors that interrupt and disrupt their lives.
  • Crossroads provides programs by prominent clinicians, chosen for their clinical expertise in well-defined treatment topics, offering focused and innovative care solutions.
  • Our programs are cost effective. We will check your insurance benefits. We also accept all major credit cards, accept checks, and have a payment plan through Paypal Credit that offers 0% interest on 6 months financing.

But most importantly I want women to know:

  • Our past doesn’t have to define our future. Our woundedness can be a foundation for our future strengths. At Crossroads with expert guidance and a supportive environment of women who share your struggles, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.
  • Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. There is hope. We can help you.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

“NO” is a Complete Sentence

07 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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There are only two words that will always lead you to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, you’ve mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no. Your goals depend on it!  (Jack Canfield)

Looking at the root issues of over commitment whether it is the result of codependency or lack of good boundaries over commitment is something that we often struggle with in our busy world.

No is a power word. It gives a definite sense of self. Children recognize its power very early and go through a stage where it is their favorite word. However, unless we learn to say no we will continue to be stressed and have too much to do and not enough time. And generally it is our ideas, our health, and quality time with our family or our self that suffer. Learning to say NO will release you from the burden of always pleasing others and give you more time and freedom to do what you want and need to do.

Ironically as we learn to say no more, we more than likely feel guilty. Choose to see this as a sign that you are making changes in your life.

You ALWAYS HAVE A RIGHT to Say “No”:

  • When it’s someone else’s issue
  • When it’s something you don’t want to do
  • When there’s something you’d MUCH rather do
  • When it takes away from your values and wishes
  • When you think you’re taken for granted
  • When you deserve or need some time to yourself

You ABSOLUTELY MUST Say “No”:

  • When you’re stressed or overwhelmed
  • When you’re already doing too much
  • When you’re tired or sick, ask yourself: what things in your life do you need to say no to? Don’t overthink it, just write down whatever pops into your heads right now!
  1. ______________________________
  2. ______________________________
  3. ______________________________
  4. ______________________________
  5. ______________________________

What currently stops you from saying “no” to these things? What are your beliefs about saying “no” and what are your beliefs about saying “yes”? Why do you say “Yes” when you’d rather be saying No? How do you BENEFIT by saying “Yes”? Understanding this is an essential step to saying “No” – and valuing your goals, needs and time!

  • When I say “Yes” I feel ­­­­____________________
  • When I say “Yes” I want other people to think I am   ______________________
  • By saying “Yes”, what am I saying “No” to in my own life? _____________________
  • Remember: Whenever we say “Yes” to something, we are saying “No” to something else – even if that something is simply relaxing!
  • When I say “No” I feel ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_______________________
  • When I say “No” I worry other people will think I am _________________
  • By saying “No”, I could say “Yes” to these things in my life ______________________
  • Lastly, when I say “Yes”, but I really want to say “No” I feel ________________
  • My biggest fears about saying “No” are ________________________

When we say “No” to something, it’s an opportunity to make room for something else that is truly important to us. In order to say “No” effectively you need to be in touch with what’s important to YOU – to know YOUR priorities in life. It’s then much easier to say “No” because we’re clear on what we want and need instead. Ask yourself:

    • What is MOST important to ME in life
    • How would I like to spend MORE time?
    • Where would I like to spend LESS time?
    • What is my top priority this year?
    • What is my top priority this month?
    • What is my top priority this week
    • If I had a magic wand I would ….

As with most things in life, there is no one size fits all answer. Everything depends on the relative importance of the situation, people affected, what’s going on in your life at the time, the person asking, your history with them etc. Changing gradually is just fine: If, in the past you have been a “Yes” person, you may want to gradually become a person who says “No”. You may want to take your time and practice on small things, working up. When “No” is the right answer for you, say it pleasantly, assertively and with conviction. If it leaves you feeling strong and good in yourself (even if there is a small amount of guilt) then you have made the right choice for you!

Beyond Boundaries

20 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, therapy for women, women and relationships

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I have been reading the book Beyond Boundaries by John Townsend.  He and Henry Cloud wrote the original Boundaries books with all the affiliated products.  Understanding boundaries is key in healthy relationships.

When I am involved with a client as a recovery coach, I help the client identify their core values and what needs come from those values.  Here is a synopsis of what Dr Townsend has to say in Beyond Boundaries as well as some of my thoughts for my clients.   I hope it is helpful!

There are two types of boundaries: 1) defining and 2) protective.

You recognized your defining boundaries when you acknowledged your values and what needs come out of those values.   There is as a general rule very little variation or change in those defining boundaries.

Protective boundaries are part of the work you did on codependency as well as identifying (and being) “a safe person” as well as the toxic relationships you identified and created action plans around.

Think of it in terms of your body. Your skin pretty much doesn’t change except for aging through the years. It’s the container that holds us together and by which people recognize us. When people see you, they identify you through your appearance.

Now think about your clothing. We wear clothing to protect us from the elements around us. We change our clothing according to how cold, warm, casual, or formal the circumstances and elements around us are.

Our defining boundaries might change a little but not that much through the years, like our skin. Our protective boundaries may change based on the elements around us, like our clothing. You adjust them based on how safe you are. In some relationships you may only need the emotional equivalency of shorts and a T shirt. In others you may need bomb squad gear.

Set and keep your defining boundaries—your skin—as a permanent part of who you are. But allow some wiggle room in your protective boundaries based on the amount of safety you need in a relationship.

You have to understand that the other person has a choice. Anyone at any time can reject your boundaries. It is the tough reality. You have to accept that reality. Your choice to have a boundary must be protected and his/her choice to not agree with yours must also be protected.

For example, if your partner is refuses to recognize that his/her actions are destructive to you, it is essential to set a boundary around that behavior. If it is angry outbursts against you, you will need to explain you will leave the room and, if you have to, the house until your partner recognizes how deeply his/her anger is hurting you. Your partner may not accept that boundary and get angrier and meaner. Your partner may decide to leave the relationship rather than change.

So is it worth it to set those boundaries? In a case like this did the boundaries cause the breakup? The problem was not the boundaries. You didn’t leave your partner or your commitment to your partner. It was the partner who made the choice to leave; you did not force the partner out. Your partner’s relational terrorism cannot be allowed to keep you from doing the right thing.

The point is this: your boundaries will create a space, a separation between you and someone in your life. That person will have the choice to bridge the separation by making changes and becoming more loving or to increase the distance by moving further away or even leaving the relationship.

You can do everything you can to keep the relationship together but you can never, in your own power, make a person stay with you. Staying or going is always a choice, one that every person has.

So did the boundaries work? They were set as a protective limit. Boundaries aren’t guarantees of responsibility or concern in someone. But they can:

  1. Bring reality and clarity
  2. Protect you
  3. Show someone the path to change

But boundaries do not remove the other person’s choice. So from this perspective, they do work. They protect you even if the outcome is different than you hoped for. You have to understand that this is still good news. It is diagnostic. It gives you the information you need about the character of the other person and the problem you are experiencing. Better to have a doctor’s diagnosis for a problem than to avoid making the appointment and allow the problem to do more damage.

If you have kept a journal through the process, you can now revisit those early entries before you set the boundary and focus on the peace in your life without anger and blame.

You can grieve the loss of your “dreams” for the relationship but understand that you are being re-created for a better future.

Belief Limiting Labels Influence Our Lives: How to Challenge Them

14 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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What do I mean by labels? They are simply descriptive terms used to describe us and usually have judgments associated with them. For example they can be ‘negative’ (I’m the Office Witch) or more ‘positive’ (I’m the Office Mom). A frequent one today is “I’m fat” whether it is true or not.

We may or may not agree with our labels and they can also be things we feel we’ve grown out of (I’m a typical teenager). And perhaps we think they’re true (I’m Very Reliable or I’m Forgetful). They can also be appearance related –“I’m a Blonde” which conjures up all the dumb blonde jokes. I have a brilliant psychologist friend who was raised in a very judgmental, critical home. He says that even today with all his successes if he opens the refrigerator and the catsup bottle falls out making a mess, he hears that voice from his childhood telling him he is dumb and clumsy.

In therapy our behaviors are “labeled” or diagnosed. Groups of behaviors have been given labels and are outlined in a Diagnostic Statistical Manual used by the behavioral health field. These labels are helpful in knowing how to treat a patient effectively. They are also necessary for insurance payment. It is important to remember that they may not be a lifelong label. If you and your therapist work together to reframe and change your thinking and subsequently change your behaviors on a long term basis, the diagnosis may no longer apply.

It is a complex, remarkable journey to the inner self: to the body, to the soul, to the spirit. In our pursuit of meaning, we often take on roles and define ourselves with labels that no longer work for us and we get exhausted, resentful, and disconnect as a means of survival. There is a way back and there is no substitute for professional therapy in that process.

In recovery and life coaching, challenging our limiting beliefs is a tool used to assist clients who are struggling in attaining or even setting their life goals. So, here is a simple limiting beliefs exercise using labels:

  1. List the labels you have been given in your life – aim for 10 and hopefully you will get at least 4 or 5 solid labels to work with.
  2. For each label, ask yourself if you see the label as positive or negative. Next ask yourself where you think the label came from – for example society (media, TV, books and magazines) and people (our parents, peers, and teachers). Be as specific as possible and name a specific person if you can.
  3. Then ask, “Do you agree with the label?” Explore what advantages and disadvantages each label has. How does the label HELP you and how does it HINDER or LIMIT you?
  4. You can give this exercise extra meaning by also asking yourself where you think your labels are getting in the way of achieving your goals.
  5. Ask yourself which labels you would like to keep and which you would like to ‘lose’? To do this, explore specific situations where the label comes up and make sure to ask yourself when and who you’re with when you behave like the label.
  6. Develop an action plan to overcome the negative label. Ask what could you do/how could you behave differently to make the label irrelevant or inappropriate?
LABEL ORIGIN AGREE/DISAGREE HELP/HINDER + or – Goals

This limiting beliefs exercise is a great way to raise awareness as well as stimulate and reframe your beliefs about yourself. It also has a broader societal impact because once you connect with how you feel about your labels you will have more empathy for others. Thoughtless words can impact us and the words we use can impact others negatively.
____________________

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

ANXIETY

13 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person’s ability to lead a normal life. Let’s look at two types of anxiety disorders:

Social Anxiety Disorder is the extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations. It is not simply shyness. People with this disorder may have few or no social or romantic relationships, making them feel powerless, alone, or even ashamed.

  • About 15 million American adults have social anxiety disorder
  • Typical age of onset: 13 years old
  • 36 percent of people with social anxiety disorder report symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help
  • Usually begins in childhood or adolescence

Although they recognize that the fear is excessive and unreasonable, people with this disorder feel powerless against their anxiety. They are terrified they will humiliate or embarrass themselves. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things, often expecting the worst, even when there is no apparent reason for concern. Sufferers anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.

  • Affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year
  • Women are twice as likely to be affected
  • Disorder comes on gradually and can begin across the life cycle, though the risk is highest between childhood and middle age
  • Although the exact cause is unknown, there is evidence that biological factors, family background, and life experiences, particularly stressful ones, play a role.

If you suffer from anxiety, research suggests that you may run a higher risk of experiencing physical health problems. In the past 30 years, there has been considerable interest in the relaxation response and how inducing this state may benefit health. Currently, there is some evidence that relaxation techniques may be an effective part of an overall treatment plan to relieve anxiety.

Women who use yoga to relax during pregnancy reduce their risk of developing anxiety and depression. Stress during pregnancy has been linked to premature birth, low birth weight and increased developmental and behavioral problems in children.  A University of Manchester research study shows that women who attend one yoga class a week for eight weeks had decreased anxiety scores compared to those who received normal antenatal treatment.  A single session of yoga was found to reduce anxiety by one third and stress hormone levels by 14 per cent.

Coping Strategies for Stress and Anxiety

  • Take a time-out. Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, or learn relaxation techniques.
  • Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip meals; keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand.
  • Limit alcohol and caffeine, Aggravates anxiety
  • Get enough sleep. When stressed, your body needs additional sleep and rest.
  • Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health.
  • Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.
  • Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary.
  • Do your best. Don’t aim for perfection, which isn’t possible, be proud of how close you get.
  • Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?
  • Welcome humor. A good laugh goes a long way.
  • Maintain a positive attitude. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
  • Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community creating a support network and a break from everyday stress.
  • Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school, or something else you can identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed or anxious, and look for a pattern.
  • Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let them know how they can help you. Talk to a therapist for professional help.For some medications are a necessary part of treatment. Most people with anxiety who seek treatment, experience significant improvement and enjoy an improved quality of life.
    __________________________
    Sources Available Upon Request
    Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.
  •  
  • __________________________________

Sticks and Stones: The Truth is that Words Really Can Hurt You!

12 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, therapy for women, women and relationships

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You can’t see bruises or broken bones. So you wonder if it is really a serious problem. Emotionally abused women state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. But there are invisible scars that destroy your sense of self and often lead to faulty thinking which negatively impacts your decisions and your life.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

  1. Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but can’t describe it?
  2. Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
  3. Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
  4. Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
  5. Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else or accuse you of having affairs?
  6. Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner’s eyes?
  7. Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
  8. Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
  9. Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
  10. When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
  11. Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from talking to others about how you feel?
  12. If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don’t deserve anything?
  13. After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
  14. Does he use the children against you in arguments?  Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
  15. Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?

    Emotional abuse is a choice and a learned behavior so it is difficult to say that emotional abuse is caused by any one single factor. It is not gender specific. Women can also emotionally abuse their partners. The following beliefs and attitudes are common for abusers:

  • Sense of entitlement
  • A belief they should have power and control over their partner
  • Belief that they can get away with it
  • Learned experience that being abusive gets them what they want
  • Belief that their lives should take priority

The effects of emotional abuse:

  •  Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
  • Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
  • Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior?
  • Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
  • Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
  • Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
  • Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
  • Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbors?
  • Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?

What can you do about it?

  • Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and get help.
  • Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad as or worse than physical abuse.
  • Take your safety and the safety of your children seriously.
  • Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
  • Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
  • Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
  • Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
  • Recognize you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
  • Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.

My final thoughts focus on your safety if you decide to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Shelters do accept those who are emotionally abused and have not been physically abused. If you have been threatened with harm or death, or are being stalked (followed and harassed) by your partner or ex-partner, you can call the police. Dial 911. If you are considering leaving, especially if you have children, see a lawyer. Abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave.

Counseling can help you identify and accept your own definition of normal as part of your journey to happiness.  You need to explore your values and needs and recognize how to achieve your goals. With expert guidance and a supportive environment, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.

_____________________________

Sources available upon request

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO, of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Learning to Love and Accept Yourself is a Key to Embracing Life!

06 Friday Feb 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Codependence, Depression, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Elements of learning to love and accept yourself are:  self care, self compassion, self kindness, and accepting love from others.  Our self image drives how we relate to others and the choices we make in life.  This self care quiz will help you look at how well you are doing on the first element–self care.

Self Care Quiz Instructions:

  • How good are you to yourself?
  • There are no right or wrong answers, just answer however seems appropriate for you right now – and see what you learn about yourself!
  • Score 2 points for each Yes, 1 point for each Sometimes and 0 points for No’s.
    Yes Sometimes No
1. I am up-to-date with my optician, dentist and other health check-ups
2. I am happy with my physical fitness & energy levels
3. I eat well nutritionally most of the time and do not abuse my body with caffeine, alcohol or similar
4. I have plenty of sleep so I always feel well rested
5. I take regular breaks from my work during the day, at weekends and use my holidays for enjoyment & relaxation
6. I like how my hair is at the moment, I am happy with my wardrobe and my ‘style’
7. I meditate, journal, quietly relax or have alone-time with myself regularly (where I am not doing anything e.g.. chores or doing things for others
8. I prioritize how I spend my time and important things always get done in plenty of time
10. I say “No” to myself and others when I need to
12. My home is cleaned regularly to a standard I am happy with
11. My home is organized and tidy and somewhere I love to be
13. My home is a calm haven (or has a place within it) that takes me away from the stresses of the world
9. I recognize my stress signals and know when to take a break
14. I have enough people in my life who love and support me
15. Apart from exceptional situations, I only spend time with people who support, energize and inspire me
16. I listen to and trust my intuition when it comes to looking after me
17. I have a mentor/s that support and encourage me in life
18. I have no regrets and have forgiven myself my past mistakes
19. I have let go of any past resentments towards others
20. I have reserves of things that are important to me or help my life run smoothly (anything from contact lens solution to pens, paper, vitamins or bathroom tissue!)
21. I have things to look forward to in my life
TOTAL NUMBER of Yes’s, Sometimes, and No’s.

The maximum possible total is 42. Write your score here ______

What did you learn about yourself?

Due to the demands and judgments of today’s lifestyle many women have forgotten to love themselves and as a consequence feel dissatisfied and unhappy. Crossroads’ Learning to Love Yourself program is for the woman who wants to believe and achieve new happiness and self-fulfillment.  We help women identify and accept their own definition of normal as part of their journey to happiness.  We provide a therapeutic setting free of judgment or shame to allow women to explore their needs and recognize how to achieve their goals.   Call for details 800-348-0937 or visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com.

Buttercups and Porcupine Quills: Women, Anger, and Aggression

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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I addressed what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day in my previous blog and how our gender socialization impacts how we view and express anger as women. (In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.)

Many of the long term consequences of anger are negative. Yet, anger is part of our biological makeup for both genders. It is part of the fight-or-flight reaction. It had survival value in the past and it has some positives in the present including but not limited to the following:

  1. It can be an appropriate response to injustice (anger may have played a role in social movements that led to equality for women, the elderly, blacks, the disabled, protection of helpless animals, Mothers Against Drunk Driving to name a few)
  2. It is an alerting function that may help us become aware of situations in our life that we need to address directly which may lead to problem solving
  3. It may present an increased motivation to right the wrongs we see in the world as well as in our individual lives

Verbal expressions of anger may include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm. Anger can also be expressed physically by raising a clenched fist, throwing a book on the floor, breaking a pencil or hitting a wall.

Anger crosses the line when it becomes aggression. Aggression has a determined intention to harm another person. Often, it reflects a desire for dominance and control. Weapons are often involved. Aggression can be shown by punching, shoving, hitting or even maiming another person, and it can occur in marital violence, child or elder abuse, bullying, or gang and criminal activities. Research shows that 90% of the time, it is acts of aggression arising from anger that wind up in the criminal justice system. But only 10 percent of anger experiences are actually followed by aggression. People often want to act aggressively when angry but most do not actually take aggressive actions. This is not to say that anger may not have negative and long lasting effects on a marriage or other significant relationships.

Facts about anger:

  • Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives.
  • When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed
  • In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution.
  • Taking a breather using simple tools, such as relaxation techniques and visual imagery, can help soothe angry feelings and may be a good first step before talking to person with whom you are angry.

When is more intensive professional help necessary? There is cause for alarm if:

  • your anger is moderate to intense
  • experienced frequently
  • endures to the point where you are holding a grudge
  • you have plans for revenge and getting even
  • is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions

When you experience anger as outlined above, you are likely at risk for the negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression. There can be a very high cost to anger. The good news is that mental health professionals can help you understand the triggers for your anger and help you develop strategies to control your anger and improve your life. _____________________

The relaxation techniques used to reduce stress can be very helpful in coping with anger and expressing it appropriately. Crossroads Programs for Women offers on demand video psycho-educational lectures which include resource materials and exercises for relaxation. Check them out here: https://crossroadsprogramsforwomenvide.pivotshare.com/

If you believe your anger has become aggression, please call Crossroads for information on how our programs can help. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937