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Category Archives: Substance Abuse

It Takes Courage to Change: Day 4

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#addictive disorders, #anorexia, #bulimia, #help for eating disorders, #therapy for eating disorders, eating disorders

Research Study on Mature Women and Eating Disorders
January 6, 2016 – Pekin Illinois

woman on scale stoopingHistorically, eating disorder research has always been about teens and young women, but a study published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders shows 13% of women ages 50 and older struggle with this problem and that 62% of those surveyed say their weight or shape has a negative impact on their lives.

There are 53 million women in the USA older than age 50. Cynthia Bulik, director of the eating disorders program at the University of North Carolina warns that the disorders have serious physical as well as emotional consequences.

Weight issues can impact life negatively. In this study, weight or shape affected self-perception in as many as 79%, 41% checked their body daily, and 36% spent at least half of their time in the last five years dieting. According to the author, these behaviors and attitudes put women at higher risk for full-blown eating disorders. Women with binge eating disorder battle feelings about food that are mixed with fear, anger, anxiety, loss or shame. As the binge eating cycle’s progress, her emotions become so complicated that she can’t even understand why she continues to binge. She faces an uphill battle as she seeks understanding in her relationship with food.

“I have been in the eating disorders field since 1987 and it has been a dream of mine to open a center in Central Illinois to serve women who suffer with eating disorders and other issues that interrupt and disrupt their lives,” says Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. “Since opening Crossroads in 2013, we offer intensive outpatient programs facilitated by a nationally known eating disorder expert, Mary Bellofatto, MA, LMHC, NCC, CEDS, TEP, F.iaedp, and Kellie Branch-Dircks, LCSW. Life and Recovery Coaching programs facilitated by Bonnie Harken, NCLC are also regularly offered in group and individual formats.

“America’s healthcare system has changed and the need for cost effective, intensely focused treatment has never been more important. There are many facilities that offer expensive long term inpatient treatment, but our four and five day treatment programs are unique. The philosophy of our approach is to provide programs by prominent clinicians offering focused and innovative care solutions.”

Contact: 800-348-0937
www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com
bresourceful@earthlink.net

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It Takes Courage to Change: Day 3

05 Tuesday Jan 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in addictive behaviors, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, recovery tools, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#codependency recovery, #life coaching, #relationship problems, anxiety

Relationships, Boundaries, and Breakups

bigstock-Businesswoman-covering-her-mou-32725112

Many seek help when they are going through difficulties in an important relationship. The emotional pain can be so intense that it hurts physically. Some have an authentic identity crisis. At the very least there is a fear of an uncertain future. The process of recovery and reflection can be agonizing but those who ignore this important work often repeat the same mistakes. Some of the contributing factors in unsuccessful relationships may include but are not limited to codependency, poor communication skills, and lack of healthy boundaries.

There are two types of boundaries: defining and protective. You determine your defining boundaries when you acknowledge your values and what needs come out of those values. Protective boundaries are often created through the treatment process.

Think of it in terms of your body. Your skin pretty much doesn’t change except for aging through the years. It’s the container that holds us together and by which people recognize us. When people see you, they identify you through your appearance.

Now think about your clothing. We wear clothing to protect us from the elements around us. We change our clothing according to seasonal weather and how casual or formal the circumstances and elements around us are.

Our defining boundaries might change a little but not that much through the years, like our skin. Our protective boundaries may change based on the elements around us, like our clothing. You adjust them based on how safe you are. In some relationships you may only need the emotional equivalency of shorts and a T shirt. In others you may need bomb squad gear.

Set and keep your defining boundaries—your skin—as a permanent part of who you are. But allow some adjustments in your protective boundaries based on the amount of safety you need in a relationship.

You have to understand that the other person has a choice. Anyone at any time can reject your boundaries. You have to accept that reality. Your choice to have a boundary must be protected and his/her choice to not agree with yours must also be protected.

For example, if your partner is refuses to recognize that his/her actions are destructive to you, it is essential to set a boundary around that behavior. If it is angry outbursts against you, you will need to explain that when an angry outburst happens, you will leave the room and, if you have to, leave the house until your partner recognizes how deeply his/her actions are hurting you. Your partner may not accept that boundary and get angrier and meaner. Your partner may decide to leave the relationship rather than change.

So is it worth it to set those boundaries? In a case like this did the boundaries cause the breakup? The problem was not the boundaries. You didn’t leave your partner or your commitment to your partner. It was the partner who made the choice to leave; you did not force the partner out. Your partner’s dysfunctional behavior cannot be allowed to keep you from doing the right thing.

The point is this: your boundaries will create a space, a separation between you and someone in your life. That person will have the choice to bridge the separation by making changes and becoming more loving or to increase the distance by moving further away or even leaving the relationship. You can do everything you can to keep the relationship together but you can never make a person stay with you. Staying or going is always a choice every person has. Boundaries aren’t guarantees of responsibility or concern in another. They can, however, bring reality and clarity, protect you, and show someone the path to change. They can provide a foundation for a recommitted relationship.

Boundaries protect you even if the outcome is different than you hoped for because you get the information you need about the character of the other person and the problem you are experiencing. In the case of a broken relationship, if you have kept a journal through the process, you can now revisit those early entries before you set the boundary and focus on the peace in your life now without anger and blame. You can grieve the loss of your “dreams” for the relationship but understand that you are being re-created for a better future.

________________
Source:  Beyond Boundaries

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Call 800-348-0937 or visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com for more information. All inquiries are confidential.

 

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It Takes Courage to Change: Day 2

04 Monday Jan 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in addictive behaviors, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, recovery tools, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#coaching for happiness, #divorce recovery, #grief, #how to be happy, #overcoming unhappiness, #relationships

The Glass is Half Empty: Can You Learn to Be “Happy”?

bigstock-Happy-senior-woman-Isolated-o-38673904Happiness is probably a misunderstood emotion. For instance if you suffered from depression and through medication and therapy, the symptoms of depression were no longer present, it is not necessarily the same as being happy. Many believe that happiness has to do with a cheerful mood.   For purposes of this article let’s define happiness as the feelings of fulfillment based on the foundation of: positive emotions, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment. These elements, which we choose for their own sake in our efforts to flourish, are the rock-bottom fundamentals to human well-being. What is the good life? It is pleasant, engaged, meaningful, achieving, and connected.

We have a choice at every moment; we don’t have a choice about what happens but we do have a choice about what we are going to do about it. Depressive thoughts are magnets for other depressive thoughts. They are more powerful than positive thoughts. It takes approximately three positive thoughts to overcome a negative thought.

So in addition to the emotional well-being that optimism brings, what are the physical health benefits?

There is one trait similar to optimism that seems to protect against cardiovascular disease: ikigai. This Japanese concept means having something worth living for, and ikigai is intimately related to the meaning element of flourishing as well as to optimism. There are three prospective Japanese studies of ikigai, and all point to high levels of ikigai reducing the risk of death from cardiovascular disease, even when controlling for traditional risk factors and perceived stress. In one study, the mortality rate among men and women without ikigai was 160 percent higher than for increased cardiovascular disease mortality as compared to men and women with ikigai. In a second study, men with ikigai had only 86 percent of the risk of mortality from cardiovascular disease compared to men without ikigai; this was also true of women, but less robustly so. And in a third study, men with high ikigai had only 28 percent of the risk for death from stroke relative to their low-ikigai counterparts, but there was no association with heart disease.

The Women’s Health Initiative has the largest study of the relationship between optimism and cardiovascular disease to date, ninety-seven thousand women, healthy at the outset of the study in 1994, were followed for eight years. As usual in careful studies, age, race, education, religious attendance, health, body mass, alcohol, smoking, blood pressure, and cholesterol were recorded at the start. Optimism was measured in yet another way by the well-validated Life Orientation Test, which poses ten statements such as: “In unclear times, I usually expect the best,” and “If something can go wrong for me, it will.” Importantly, depressive symptoms were also measured and their impact assessed separately. The optimists (the top quarter) had 30 percent fewer coronary deaths than the pessimists (bottom quarter). The trend of fewer deaths, both cardiac and deaths from all causes, held across the entire distribution of optimism, indicating again that optimism protected women and pessimism hurt them relative to the average. This was true holding constant all the other risk factors—including depressive symptoms.

So are there magic bullets to overcome pessimism? In this writer’s opinion, there are. By working with women to measure the balance in specific areas of their lives, they can identify goals and determine the ways to achieve them in order to live a more fulfilled life.   Beyond those practical approaches to the obvious needs in their life, we recommend the practice of gratitude, meditative reflection, creativity, and exercise. Gratitude has the power to walk time. Yesterday was yesterday. Our memory is an image that comes from the original. When we look at it and highlight the good, it changes the memory. It doesn’t distort it; it highlights it. Just by doing it research says that your sense of optimism will go up for the next two weeks.

It takes awareness, training, and practice to begin to change your negative thinking. I use a Gratitude Journal template with my coaching clients to reflect on their day which helps them highlight the positive things that happened (even on otherwise dark days). I have observed that at first it might be difficult for clients to fill it out completely, but with consistency of completing the journaling exercise daily, they are soon finding more and more things in their everyday life for which to be grateful. So rather than determining if a glass is half empty or half full, be grateful that you have a glass! Optimism is a learned skill and practicing gratitude is an important tool which will help you change your thinking and change your life!
___________________

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.  All calls are confidential and there is no obligation.

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It Takes Courage to Change…

03 Sunday Jan 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, recovery tools, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#a happy 2016, #how do I change, #how to be happy, #responding to emotional crisis, anxiety, compulsive behaviors, panic attacks, relationship issues

Pursuit of Happiness: Transform Your Negative Thoughts and Feelings

bigstock-Beautiful-Young-Woman-Outdoors-45653104Positive psychology addresses important questions about how we lead our lives, find happiness, experience satisfaction, and deal with life’s challenges. Over the past decade researchers and practitioners from around the world have studied happiness and wellbeing. As a result a variety of techniques and practices have evolved that offer more than simply some relief from depression, anxiety, and stress. These are proven ways to be more positive and joyful in life with long-term and significant benefits.

We have a choice at every moment; we don’t have a choice about what happens but we do have a choice about what we are going to do about it. Depressive thoughts are magnets for other depressive thoughts. It takes 3 positive feelings to overcome a negative thought. So how do we begin to transform our negative thoughts into positive thoughts and feelings?

Gratitude has the power to walk time. Yesterday was yesterday. Our memory is an image that comes from the original so when we look at it and highlight the good it changes the memory. It doesn’t distort it but rather it highlights it.

How do we begin to look at every day with a sense of gratitude? Try ending each day by writing a few lines of gratitude. Here are some ideas to help you get started. What things did you have success in or made progress with today? What did you do that was a positive choice consistent with who you want to become? What did you learn about yourself today? What did actions did you do that take you closer to your goals? What about things to be grateful for and what did you do for self-care?

Daniel Kahneman is a Nobel Prize winning psychologist studying how people chose to be happy. He has proposed that humans have two versions of themselves: the experiential self and the remembering self. Though our remembering selves tend to dominate, there can be great benefits in nurturing our experiential self, for recognizing and appreciating the many moments that make up a day. By Kahneman’s calculation, a moment is about 3 seconds. Given that our lives are nothing more than a string of moments coming one after another, the average person has about 20,000 moments in the course of a day. Think back on your day yesterday. How many of your 20,000 moments do you remember? Odds are, it’s not very many. We tend to rush through our lives without thinking.

An “attitude of gratitude” may be a cliché that some automatically disregard, but I have watched clients keep a gratitude journal for 30 days and witnessed the difference it makes in how they frame their thinking.   Positive psychology teaches that there are three magic bullets for depression: gratitude, meditation, and exercise.   For severe depression these are valuable enhancements to traditional therapy and medication. I would be happy to send you a template for a Gratitude Journal, just email your request to me at bresourceful@earthlink.net.  The first few days it may be difficult to answer all the questions in the Gratitude Journal Plan but with each passing day it gets easier as you begin to replace your negative thoughts with thoughts of gratitude. After all, 20,000 moments each day equals 20,000 opportunities!

__________________

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO, of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.  All calls are confidential and there is no obligation.

 

 

 

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Keys to Recovery: Accepting Personal Responsibility for Our Actions

02 Saturday Jan 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in addictive behaviors, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, recovery tools, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#change your life, #change your thinking, #new beginning, #new year; new you, #recovery help, #relationship problems, addictive behaviors, panic attacks, therapy for women

foodphoto003One component of being emotional healthy is accepting reality as it is—not as we would like it to be or the lies we tell ourselves.   False perceptions or false beliefs can lead to a lot of what the mental health field calls “stinkin thinkin”. It lies at the heart of destructive behaviors which cause us and those around us a lot of pain. “Stinkin thinkin” sabotages our ability to be happy and find peace in our lives.

Denial, projecting blame on others, or just telling outright lies to avoid responsibility are some of the ways we avoid facing reality. Have you ever heard anyone say “I have been married four times; I have really bad luck with men (or women).” Hmmmmmmmmmm… The person who makes this statement fails to recognize that there is a common denominator in that equation. So what is the shared “distinctive” in those marriages? The person who married four different people and had all end in divorce is the common denominator.

There may be no more impactful thing you can do for yourself than to take responsibility for your life. There are all sorts of benefits. Say you make a mistake on a project at work. If you admit your mistake, people are more likely to believe you about other things you do. Your word has more meaning to other people when you take responsibility. But it’s not just a matter of trust. You also earn lots of respect when you take responsibility for your actions. If you develop a reputation for being the person who accepts responsibility for his actions, people will often simply ignore the fact that you made a mistake altogether.

There are negative emotions that come with not accepting personal responsibility. When you blame others, you may feel anger or resentment towards that person. You will almost invariably feel guilty or ashamed. The worst part about denying responsibility is an overall sense of powerlessness. When you feel like you don’t have control over your life, you can easily become depressed or relapse back into unhealthy behaviors.

Some of the defense mechanisms we use to avoid taking personal responsibility are:

  1. Blaming others
  2. Making excuses
  3. Complaining
  4. Playing the “victim”

Make the conscious choice to break the habit of surrendering your responsibility by:

  1. Recognize that you always have a choice of how to respond regardless of your circumstances.
  2. When something goes wrong, openly acknowledge it as your fault, even if you feel there were external circumstances that contributed.
  3. When there is a problem, don’t ask yourself who is to blame. Instead, ask yourself: “What could I have done differently?”
  4. Accept yourself and your circumstances. It’s not other people who made you the way you are, but only your own thoughts and actions.
  5. Don’t depend on other people to feel good about yourself. If you need external validation to be happy, you surrender personal responsibility for making yourself happy.
  6. You should be constantly challenging your own beliefs and filters through which you view the world. Your limiting beliefs make it significantly more challenging to take personal responsibility.
  7. If you mess up, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just take responsibility and move on. When someone else messes up, don’t hold it against them. If you cling to a desire to blame them, then you are shifting the focus away from your own personal responsibility for your life.
  8. Accepting personal responsibility involves letting go of the need to feel responsible for others. Everybody is responsible for themselves, whether they realize it or not.

When you admit to yourself that you are solely responsible for your life, you immediately recognize how much control you really do have. Any goal that you want to achieve is within your control and external circumstances don’t control your fate. Personal responsibility is also the foundation for personal development. By acknowledging your role in the process, you give yourself the opportunity to improve. In recovery accepting responsibility shifts the focus onto your control of the situation instead of feeling like a victim. By accepting personal responsibility, you gain the freedom to create your own life, any way you want it. You are fully in charge of your recovery!

____________

Sources available upon request

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO, of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Single Again: Mourning, Surviving, and Thriving

29 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by crossroads420 in Anxiety, Depression, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#divorce recovery, #relationship problems, #starting a new life, #women in bad relationships, therapy for women

bigstock-Happy-senior-woman-Isolated-o-38673904

In her book, On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kubler Ross explained there are five distinct stages people go through when something meaningful ends. These stages are not limited to the experience of physical death; but also apply to divorce, breakups and other significant losses, as well.

When a couple ends their relationship, a death of sorts happens. The “us” you once were is gone.  The life story you spent all that time and energy co-creating together is over. Facing this death is similar to how we typically handle all deaths — with an onslaught of sadness, anger, fear, guilt, shame, and a profound sense of feeling lost, like taking a trip without a road map.

The emotional pain can be so intense that it hurts physically. Many have an authentic identity crisis. At the very least there is a fear of the unknown future. The process of recovery and reflection can be agonizing but those who ignore this important work often repeat the same mistakes. Some of the contributing factors in unsuccessful relationships often are codependency, poor communication skills, and lack of boundaries.

Other feelings common to a breakup are regret and guilt. Regardless of who initiates the breakup, relationships ultimately end because of the actions and choices of two people. Even if you’re the one who ended it and devastated your partner in the process, there comes a reasonable time to let go of those self-inflicting feelings of guilt and move on. You’re not alone in your breakup, even if it feels that way sometimes. If guilt is influencing your thoughts too much, it’s time to move past those feelings and start living your new life with a positive outlook. Make your amends and move on.

For me it was a time of lost identity. There were many losses to grieve: lost dreams, lost social status, and lost economic status. A single parent in the midst of a contentious divorce with two young children also suffering losses, I made many mistakes as I desperately tried to fill the void with new people and new experiences. Later came a second traumatic grief period when I realized that I had also lost myself and the things I was doing were not bringing peace or happiness into my life. How could I possibly have been successful when I didn’t understand my own values and needs? I was looking for another person to make me happy—classic codependent thinking.

Over the years through counseling, education, and coming to a place of understanding, I bring what I have learned into my life coaching practice where many of the women I coach are contemplating or transitioning through the end of a meaningful relationship or other significant losses. It is said that time heals all wounds but it is what you do with that time that helps you heal and move on.   The coaching process helps you look at balance in your life. You set goals in those areas that do not meet your expectations. And together we provide accountability for the steps it takes to achieve your goals. We explore the concepts of codependency, healthy communication, limiting self-beliefs, boundaries, negative behaviors that lead to poor self-esteem, relationship skills, anxiety, and other areas depending on the issues being faced. Coaching is a valuable support for women in transition. At the end of a coaching program, clients have a resource file filled with tools and education to help them continue their journey and their new life.

Life is full of compromises. Perhaps you can relate to “this is not exactly what I would have chosen for me, but I love my husband (or significant other) and I can make this work for him and us and I believe we can be happy”. But after the end of a relationship, that “old” you is gone forever, the “now” you is emerging, and the “potential” you is yet to become reality. Awakening your dreams from the past or exploring new dreams may be helpful as you begin a journey to the “potential” you.   As a life coach, my job is to facilitate your discovery process and support you as you progress towards your goals!

__________________

Sources Available Upon Request

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. She is a Nationally Certified Life Coach through the Addictions Academy. Crossroads offers therapy and life coaching programs.  Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each intensive outpatient program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Call 800-348-0937 or visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com for more information. All inquiries are confidential.

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“NO” is a Complete Sentence

07 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by crossroads420 in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #relationship problems, #therapyforwomen, codependency, depression

There are only two words that will always lead you to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, you’ve mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no. Your goals depend on it!  (Jack Canfield)

Looking at the root issues of over commitment whether it is the result of codependency or lack of good boundaries over commitment is something that we often struggle with in our busy world.

No is a power word. It gives a definite sense of self. Children recognize its power very early and go through a stage where it is their favorite word. However, unless we learn to say no we will continue to be stressed and have too much to do and not enough time. And generally it is our ideas, our health, and quality time with our family or our self that suffer. Learning to say NO will release you from the burden of always pleasing others and give you more time and freedom to do what you want and need to do.

Ironically as we learn to say no more, we more than likely feel guilty. Choose to see this as a sign that you are making changes in your life.

You ALWAYS HAVE A RIGHT to Say “No”:

  • When it’s someone else’s issue
  • When it’s something you don’t want to do
  • When there’s something you’d MUCH rather do
  • When it takes away from your values and wishes
  • When you think you’re taken for granted
  • When you deserve or need some time to yourself

You ABSOLUTELY MUST Say “No”:

  • When you’re stressed or overwhelmed
  • When you’re already doing too much
  • When you’re tired or sick, ask yourself: what things in your life do you need to say no to? Don’t overthink it, just write down whatever pops into your heads right now!
  1. ______________________________
  2. ______________________________
  3. ______________________________
  4. ______________________________
  5. ______________________________

What currently stops you from saying “no” to these things? What are your beliefs about saying “no” and what are your beliefs about saying “yes”? Why do you say “Yes” when you’d rather be saying No? How do you BENEFIT by saying “Yes”? Understanding this is an essential step to saying “No” – and valuing your goals, needs and time!

  • When I say “Yes” I feel ­­­­____________________
  • When I say “Yes” I want other people to think I am   ______________________
  • By saying “Yes”, what am I saying “No” to in my own life? _____________________
  • Remember: Whenever we say “Yes” to something, we are saying “No” to something else – even if that something is simply relaxing!
  • When I say “No” I feel ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_______________________
  • When I say “No” I worry other people will think I am _________________
  • By saying “No”, I could say “Yes” to these things in my life ______________________
  • Lastly, when I say “Yes”, but I really want to say “No” I feel ________________
  • My biggest fears about saying “No” are ________________________

When we say “No” to something, it’s an opportunity to make room for something else that is truly important to us. In order to say “No” effectively you need to be in touch with what’s important to YOU – to know YOUR priorities in life. It’s then much easier to say “No” because we’re clear on what we want and need instead. Ask yourself:

    • What is MOST important to ME in life
    • How would I like to spend MORE time?
    • Where would I like to spend LESS time?
    • What is my top priority this year?
    • What is my top priority this month?
    • What is my top priority this week
    • If I had a magic wand I would ….

As with most things in life, there is no one size fits all answer. Everything depends on the relative importance of the situation, people affected, what’s going on in your life at the time, the person asking, your history with them etc. Changing gradually is just fine: If, in the past you have been a “Yes” person, you may want to gradually become a person who says “No”. You may want to take your time and practice on small things, working up. When “No” is the right answer for you, say it pleasantly, assertively and with conviction. If it leaves you feeling strong and good in yourself (even if there is a small amount of guilt) then you have made the right choice for you!

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Belief Limiting Labels Influence Our Lives: How to Challenge Them

14 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by crossroads420 in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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#depression, #eating disorders #crossroads programs for women #diet help, #panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #relationship problems, #therapyforwomen, addictive behaviors, anger, compulsive behaviors

What do I mean by labels? They are simply descriptive terms used to describe us and usually have judgments associated with them. For example they can be ‘negative’ (I’m the Office Witch) or more ‘positive’ (I’m the Office Mom). A frequent one today is “I’m fat” whether it is true or not.

We may or may not agree with our labels and they can also be things we feel we’ve grown out of (I’m a typical teenager). And perhaps we think they’re true (I’m Very Reliable or I’m Forgetful). They can also be appearance related –“I’m a Blonde” which conjures up all the dumb blonde jokes. I have a brilliant psychologist friend who was raised in a very judgmental, critical home. He says that even today with all his successes if he opens the refrigerator and the catsup bottle falls out making a mess, he hears that voice from his childhood telling him he is dumb and clumsy.

In therapy our behaviors are “labeled” or diagnosed. Groups of behaviors have been given labels and are outlined in a Diagnostic Statistical Manual used by the behavioral health field. These labels are helpful in knowing how to treat a patient effectively. They are also necessary for insurance payment. It is important to remember that they may not be a lifelong label. If you and your therapist work together to reframe and change your thinking and subsequently change your behaviors on a long term basis, the diagnosis may no longer apply.

It is a complex, remarkable journey to the inner self: to the body, to the soul, to the spirit. In our pursuit of meaning, we often take on roles and define ourselves with labels that no longer work for us and we get exhausted, resentful, and disconnect as a means of survival. There is a way back and there is no substitute for professional therapy in that process.

In recovery and life coaching, challenging our limiting beliefs is a tool used to assist clients who are struggling in attaining or even setting their life goals. So, here is a simple limiting beliefs exercise using labels:

  1. List the labels you have been given in your life – aim for 10 and hopefully you will get at least 4 or 5 solid labels to work with.
  2. For each label, ask yourself if you see the label as positive or negative. Next ask yourself where you think the label came from – for example society (media, TV, books and magazines) and people (our parents, peers, and teachers). Be as specific as possible and name a specific person if you can.
  3. Then ask, “Do you agree with the label?” Explore what advantages and disadvantages each label has. How does the label HELP you and how does it HINDER or LIMIT you?
  4. You can give this exercise extra meaning by also asking yourself where you think your labels are getting in the way of achieving your goals.
  5. Ask yourself which labels you would like to keep and which you would like to ‘lose’? To do this, explore specific situations where the label comes up and make sure to ask yourself when and who you’re with when you behave like the label.
  6. Develop an action plan to overcome the negative label. Ask what could you do/how could you behave differently to make the label irrelevant or inappropriate?
LABEL ORIGIN AGREE/DISAGREE HELP/HINDER + or – Goals

This limiting beliefs exercise is a great way to raise awareness as well as stimulate and reframe your beliefs about yourself. It also has a broader societal impact because once you connect with how you feel about your labels you will have more empathy for others. Thoughtless words can impact us and the words we use can impact others negatively.
____________________

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

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ANXIETY

13 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by crossroads420 in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Tags

#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #relationship problems, #therapyforwomen, addictive behaviors, anxiety

Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person’s ability to lead a normal life. Let’s look at two types of anxiety disorders:

Social Anxiety Disorder is the extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations. It is not simply shyness. People with this disorder may have few or no social or romantic relationships, making them feel powerless, alone, or even ashamed.

  • About 15 million American adults have social anxiety disorder
  • Typical age of onset: 13 years old
  • 36 percent of people with social anxiety disorder report symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help
  • Usually begins in childhood or adolescence

Although they recognize that the fear is excessive and unreasonable, people with this disorder feel powerless against their anxiety. They are terrified they will humiliate or embarrass themselves. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things, often expecting the worst, even when there is no apparent reason for concern. Sufferers anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.

  • Affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year
  • Women are twice as likely to be affected
  • Disorder comes on gradually and can begin across the life cycle, though the risk is highest between childhood and middle age
  • Although the exact cause is unknown, there is evidence that biological factors, family background, and life experiences, particularly stressful ones, play a role.

If you suffer from anxiety, research suggests that you may run a higher risk of experiencing physical health problems. In the past 30 years, there has been considerable interest in the relaxation response and how inducing this state may benefit health. Currently, there is some evidence that relaxation techniques may be an effective part of an overall treatment plan to relieve anxiety.

Women who use yoga to relax during pregnancy reduce their risk of developing anxiety and depression. Stress during pregnancy has been linked to premature birth, low birth weight and increased developmental and behavioral problems in children.  A University of Manchester research study shows that women who attend one yoga class a week for eight weeks had decreased anxiety scores compared to those who received normal antenatal treatment.  A single session of yoga was found to reduce anxiety by one third and stress hormone levels by 14 per cent.

Coping Strategies for Stress and Anxiety

  • Take a time-out. Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, or learn relaxation techniques.
  • Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip meals; keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand.
  • Limit alcohol and caffeine, Aggravates anxiety
  • Get enough sleep. When stressed, your body needs additional sleep and rest.
  • Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health.
  • Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.
  • Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary.
  • Do your best. Don’t aim for perfection, which isn’t possible, be proud of how close you get.
  • Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?
  • Welcome humor. A good laugh goes a long way.
  • Maintain a positive attitude. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
  • Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community creating a support network and a break from everyday stress.
  • Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school, or something else you can identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed or anxious, and look for a pattern.
  • Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let them know how they can help you. Talk to a therapist for professional help.For some medications are a necessary part of treatment. Most people with anxiety who seek treatment, experience significant improvement and enjoy an improved quality of life.
    __________________________
    Sources Available Upon Request
    Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.
  •  
  • __________________________________

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Buttercups and Porcupine Quills: Women, Anger, and Aggression

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Tags

#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #relationship problems, #therapyforwomen, addictive behaviors, anger, codependency, Cognitive behavioral therapy, depression, eating disorders

I addressed what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day in my previous blog and how our gender socialization impacts how we view and express anger as women. (In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.)

Many of the long term consequences of anger are negative. Yet, anger is part of our biological makeup for both genders. It is part of the fight-or-flight reaction. It had survival value in the past and it has some positives in the present including but not limited to the following:

  1. It can be an appropriate response to injustice (anger may have played a role in social movements that led to equality for women, the elderly, blacks, the disabled, protection of helpless animals, Mothers Against Drunk Driving to name a few)
  2. It is an alerting function that may help us become aware of situations in our life that we need to address directly which may lead to problem solving
  3. It may present an increased motivation to right the wrongs we see in the world as well as in our individual lives

Verbal expressions of anger may include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm. Anger can also be expressed physically by raising a clenched fist, throwing a book on the floor, breaking a pencil or hitting a wall.

Anger crosses the line when it becomes aggression. Aggression has a determined intention to harm another person. Often, it reflects a desire for dominance and control. Weapons are often involved. Aggression can be shown by punching, shoving, hitting or even maiming another person, and it can occur in marital violence, child or elder abuse, bullying, or gang and criminal activities. Research shows that 90% of the time, it is acts of aggression arising from anger that wind up in the criminal justice system. But only 10 percent of anger experiences are actually followed by aggression. People often want to act aggressively when angry but most do not actually take aggressive actions. This is not to say that anger may not have negative and long lasting effects on a marriage or other significant relationships.

Facts about anger:

  • Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives.
  • When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed
  • In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution.
  • Taking a breather using simple tools, such as relaxation techniques and visual imagery, can help soothe angry feelings and may be a good first step before talking to person with whom you are angry.

When is more intensive professional help necessary? There is cause for alarm if:

  • your anger is moderate to intense
  • experienced frequently
  • endures to the point where you are holding a grudge
  • you have plans for revenge and getting even
  • is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions

When you experience anger as outlined above, you are likely at risk for the negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression. There can be a very high cost to anger. The good news is that mental health professionals can help you understand the triggers for your anger and help you develop strategies to control your anger and improve your life. _____________________

The relaxation techniques used to reduce stress can be very helpful in coping with anger and expressing it appropriately. Crossroads Programs for Women offers on demand video psycho-educational lectures which include resource materials and exercises for relaxation. Check them out here: https://crossroadsprogramsforwomenvide.pivotshare.com/

If you believe your anger has become aggression, please call Crossroads for information on how our programs can help. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

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