Tag Archives: codependency

Dancing in a Minefield

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, parenting teens, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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Guest Blogger:  Lynne Oliver, LCSW Crossroads Programs for Women

I read somewhere that there is a delicate dance between parents and their emerging teens. Goody, goody gumdrops for that writer! My husband and I raised eight of them and our “delicate dance: was more like dancing in a minefield. We certainly were not “Dancing with the Stars” in our home. We were in a minefield and there were bombs exploding all around us. Sometimes we were throwing grenades as well. Although we were dancing as fast as we could, we were often running on empty.

For me, the first order of business was to clean up my own habits. Many of us have suitcases of guilt, bulging with unfinished business and rotten behaviors. For some reason we carry them around and even unpack them at times. How goofy is that? We sure can’t navigate through a minefield hauling that big bag of clunky junk around.

So what can we do?

Well, I live in Realville, so I chose to put my super hero cape away and join the race- the human race- and develop some survival skills. I also had to accept that I will never do the right thing all the time, but I will show up and love my child wherever they are at that moment. There is no magic formula and there is only one way out – through the minefield. . Parents need to redeem the time with their teens because life has no pause button. “Despite some adults’ negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what’s fair and right. So although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help them grow into the distinct individuals they will become.” (unknown)

Anger is normal and universal. It is at epic proportions in our country. Parents must confront it wisely and carefully. We don’t want our child’s anger to detonate, wounding her and others. We don’t want it delayed so that it strikes in the form of many explosions later and perhaps damages the child permanently. Instead we want to defuse the anger as it comes along carefully and gently. Growth is a process. Immature people express anger unpleasantly. (We need to make sure we aren’t the immature ones.)

Because we love our child, we want him to become a young adult of maturity, confidence and integrity. We are willing to pay whatever price is necessary to attain that goal. We may not be able to control the outside world, but we can change the inside world of your home. We must be intentional in creating an oasis at home where anyone is welcome anytime.

We all have a heritage and we all pass down a legacy to our children. We want to pass down a positive spiritual, emotional and social legacy. Separately, each strand of this cord cannot hold much weight, but when wrapped together they are strong. Parents need to evaluate what we are doing now that either contributes to or detracts from building that legacy. If I want my children to remember me as a constant safe place in their lives, I must make the conscious choice to be a safe place for them on a daily basis. If I’m too busy to calm their Big Feelings or listen to their hopes and dreams, then I am too busy.

At the root of much teenage misbehavior is an empty love tank. Parents need to keep their teens’ emotional tanks filled. Love is our greatest ally. If parents are running on empty, they need to fill their tanks first. For me that means doing some things that bring me joy and contentment .Everyone has her own pockets of joy. Often, the best place to start is with breathing. Breathe in, breathe out, and breathe often. If you have a teen, you appreciate what I am saying. If not, let me try to help you understand. 1) Your beautiful talented daughter nervously stands in the kitchen with tears in her eyes. When you ask her what is wrong, she announces she is pregnant. Breathe. 2) The high school principal phones and tells you that your son has been arrested for illegal drugs. Breathe.

Laugh. Try to find something to laugh about. Laughter is free and, like breathing, anyone can do it. You don’t need any special equipment and you can even do it sitting down. I don’t suggest laughing hysterically in the Walmart parking lot to fill your tank. This could make people parked near you a bit nervous. (Don’t ask how I know, but I know) Pick your time and place.

Our family values are the compass that guides our teens. They are yearning for boundaries and good directions. Unconditional love gives the teen a soft place to land when she falls. When we love one another, we find hope. I don’t have a magic wand, but I have learned that communicating unconditional love to our teens is a fine place to start. An acronym for Love is “Living our values everyday”.

My journey has taught me that some things just don’t matter. Blue hair, messy room, loud music- a few of the “don’t matters”. Pick your battles wisely. Finally, remember the Parent of Teen motto, “We’re going through this together, and we’ll come out of it- together.”

Lynne Oliver, MSW, LCSW,  describes herself as a not so perfect (NSP) Mother  to 8 NSP kids. She is a NSP Grandma to 17 NSP grands and wife to one very patient NSP man. She says, “My children have taken me on journeys where I did not want to go and down roads I did not want to travel. Along the way I have learned a few things and I am living proof that perfection is overrated.”  She currently works as a medical social worker for Methodist Hospital and is a workshop facilitator at Crossroads Programs for Women.

April 2016 Programs for Moms and Daughters:

Putting the Sparkle Back in Your Daughter’s Crown:
ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAM FOR  TEEN GIRLS

Do any of these behaviors sound like your daughter?

  • Angry, irritable
  • Quick Temper
  • Easily annoyed, resentful
  • Defiant, Argumentative
  • Blames others for their mistakes

Outpatient Anger Management Groups Starts April 6th:

  • Six week program
  • Wednesday evenings beginning April 6, 2016
  • 7-8:30 pm
  • Girls ages 13 – 18 years old
  • Insurance accepted
  • $399
  • Call today! Group size is limited.
  • All calls are confidential
411:  Help for Mothers of Teens and Young Women 
This program is available in a four week coaching format. Scheduling is flexible to accommodate your schedule.  Sessions are 2.5 hours each.
Facilitator:  Bonnie Harken NCLC
Program Description:
Helping troubled kids or supporting young adults who are struggling is not for the faint hearted!  It is often a time when you feel alone and confused.  This coaching program is designed to offer support as you feel overwhelmed, disappointed, and isolated.  Helping your child and trying to keep up with your other responsibilities can be exhausting. It can also cause conflict in your relationships with others.  Learn how to restore balance to your life as you go through this challenging time!
Email or call for more information!
 
 
Call today.  No obligation.  All calls are confidential. Or email us here

                                  1-800-348-0937

What is life coaching?  Watch this video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonnie Answers Questions about Herself and Crossroads Programs

13 Sunday Sep 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, women and relationships

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In a recent radio interview I was asked a lot of questions about myself and Crossroads Programs for Women.  I am posting this article because it may answer some of the questions others have.

My background:

  • I have been in the eating disorders treatment field since 1987.
  • I was a founding officer of Remuda Ranch Centers for Anorexia and Bulimia Inc. in Arizona.  I worked during research and development and then serving as a Vice President until February 2002.
  • Since February 2002 I have served as the Managing Director of The International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals Foundation (iaedp).
  • I have served many major treatment facilities as a consultant.
  • In January 2012 I founded Crossroads Programs for Women, a division of Crossroads Programs Inc.   Crossroads is located in a historic, beautiful 1862’s home in Pekin, Illinois.
  • In 2014 I became a Nationally Certified Life Coach through the Addictions Academy. I offer recovery and life coaching at Crossroads, adding another component to our treatment continuum.

My past service and board memberships include

  • President of the Methodist Hospital Volunteers, Peoria IL
  • Vice President and Treasurer Pekin YWCA Board of Directors
  • Pekin Hospital Fundraising Ball Co-Chair
  • President of Scottsdale AZ Metropolitan Business and Professional Women’s Association,
  • President of the iaedp Board of Directors
  • I currently serve on Human Capital Executive Research Board (HCERB), which is the business intelligence arm of Diversity Executive and Talent Management magazines.
  • I was recently been named a VIP Woman of the Year for Illinois in the nonprofit sector by the National Association of Professional Women.
  • Member, Eating Disorders Non Profit Leadership Council

Why did you decide to start Crossroads Programs for Women at a time in your life when many women your age are retiring? 

  • Women helping women is not a new idea at all. Paul’s letter to Titus two thousand years ago spoke about older women mentoring and encouraging younger women as they struggle with situations and challenges in their lives.
  • Since I entered the mental health field as a business professional in the late 1980’s, I have witnessed firsthand how our modern culture and the woundedness of life has caused wonderful women to get stuck in their emotional pain.
  • And I have been blessed to watch as they heal those wounds and move on to live full, productive lives.
  • When this wonderful historic home went on the market, I knew it would be a wonderful, safe and secure environment for women to come and work on their issues.
  • With God’s help, I was able to purchase the property. With the help of my family and friends as we prepared the property, we now offer therapeutic programs, individual therapy, and life/recovery coaching for women there.

Why do you think God wants women to reach out to women?

  • Well, for one thing, we can do it better than anyone else. I say this without any apology whatsoever. Only a woman knows what it’s like to go through a difficult pregnancy. To suffer PMS or postpartum blues.
  • Most of us know what it is to work through the terrible fatigue that results from chasing toddlers for hours on end.
  • Most of us can relate to the boredom and isolation of speaking to children all day in monosyllables.
  • Only a woman understands the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) discrimination sometimes confronted both at work and at church.
  • Only a woman can really understand how another woman feels.
  • And only a woman can follow up properly. It’s easy for us to call each other and ask, “How did the talk with your husband go yesterday?” “Are you feeling better?” “Why don’t you come over for coffee? We can talk a little more and pray together.”
  • This type of loving concern and practical advice often will defuse conflicts before they reach a crisis stage that threatens the marriage or requires long-term professional counseling.

Why do you think women have so many struggles when we live in country where we are so blessed with so many opportunities?

  • Certainly in America women have more opportunities than women in many parts of the world. But with those opportunities come challenges.
  • With careers comes stress – trying to balance all responsibilities of career, home, children, relationships
  • Our culture sets a standard of beauty that very few woman meet – not even the models in magazines are real images – most are photoshopped to make them thinner, taller…perfect! Cindy Crawford, the famous model, is quoted as saying she wishes she looked like Cindy Crawford.
  • Divorce is rampant which leaves most women in a position where they have far less financial resources to care for their children and a great many of them have little or no support from extended family in caring for their children.
  • The world’s casual view of relationships and sex. With the loss of valuing purity and taking time to establish a relationship and a long term commitment, the consequences of these casual or non-committed relationships are often devastating to women.
  • Another result of casual sex is abortion. Many women carry emotional scars after abortion.
  • Everywhere I go, I hear the same cry from women—young and old, rich and poor, married and single. “I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m discouraged and depressed. My husband just doesn’t understand my needs. My mother isn’t there for me. Does anybody care? Will anybody help me, or even listen to me?”

The outcome is that women often lose their connections. Our Connections determine who we are.   Our ability to connect emotionally and spiritually determines the quality of our lives.

  • So loss of connection is caused by:
  • Emotional pain that can come from many causes but it is too difficult to face alone.
  • These causes may include but are not limited to: depression, codependency, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, relationship issues, abuse, trauma, grief and loss, and other situational stressors.

What are the symptoms of the loss of connections?

  • Diminished vitality, fatigue
  • Disempowerment
  • Confusion, lack of clarity
  • Diminished self-worth
  • Isolation (Turning away from relationships)

Women today are pushing themselves to a level of excellence that destroys:

  • Their creativity
  • Their spontaneity
  • Their connections

In pursuit of meaning, we take on roles that no longer work for us, we become exhausted and resentful and we disconnect as a means of survival.What do you mean by the “roles” we take on? 

It’s really about taking an unrealistic view of our identity and thereby guiding our actions, relationships, and life to fit into that identity.

  • Superwoman
  • Victim
  • Savior
  • Perfect wife and mother
  • Award winning successful career woman
  • I see many women trying to be super women pushing themselves to unrealistic expectations in what they can achieve
  • After a trauma we can assume a role of victim which can become our view of ourselves
  • Some of us try to be “different” than God created us to please another person.
  • Understand: The more fragile you are, the more rigid you become! You take a role and you hang on to it until you are locked into that role You are exhausted but don’t know how to move out of the role

So how do you break out of a destructive role?

  • There is a way out of unhealthy roles thru the power of connection
  • first to yourself,
  • finding out who you are
  • what are your needs?
  • what are your dreams

Your reality is:

  • your behaviors
  • your feelings
  • your thinking

Many of us have layers and layers of emotions and faulty thinking that are too complex to figure out on our own

  • A therapist can be very helpful, and in many cases, necessary to help us find our path forward.
  • After you start to reconnect with yourself, then reach out to others. The first step for most is to seek professional help to understand what has disconnected you from your sense of self. After you reconnect with yourself, you then reach out to others to connect or reconnect with them. 
  • Disconnection can affect our relationship with God because when we are locked in a rigid role it requires a lot of energy and self-focus to maintain. As we bring our life back into balance we can once again have the joy of a full connection to God.

What are the questions for women to ask themselves?

  • Have I shut down and lost connection to myself and others?
  • Am I locked in a “role” that no longer fits?
  • Do I need to change my thinking to change my live?
  • How do I do that?
  • If you have tried to make changes but have been unable to follow through and make those changes, you need additional help to commit to change, it is time to seek some professional help.

What happens when we begin to connect again?

  • Outcomes of Connection:
  • You feel a greater sense of “zest” (vitality, energy)
  • You feel more able to act and do act
  • You have a more accurate picture of yourself and the other person(s)
  • You feel a greater sense of worth
  • You feel more connected to the other person(s)
  • You have greater motivation for connections with other people beyond those in the specific relationship

Tell me about the programs you offer at Crossroads.

  • We offer intensive outpatient programs. We concentrate a small group therapy experience into an intensive format. We have a daily program that is 8 hrs long and is presented in a lecture, an experiential, and a group therapy schedule. So a 5 day program is 40 hrs of therapy over a 5 day period. A 4 day program is 32 hrs of therapy over a 4 day period.  Since most group therapy session are approximately 1 hour long, this 5 day format is the equivalent to many months of weekly group sessions.
  • Also working in a group with other women, is considered one of the fastest vehicles for self discovery as we relate to the experience of others in a safe and secure environment. 

Psychodrama is part of our treatment process. What is psychodrama?  Psychodrama is a:

  • holistic, strengths‐based method of psychotherapy
  • people are helped to enact and explore situations from their own life ‐ past, present and future.

The scenes enacted may be based on

  • specific events in a person’s life,
  • their current or past relationships,
  • unresolved situations,
  • desired roles or inner thoughts and conflicts.
  • The method is typically used in group settings, with group members taking on the various roles in the drama as needed.
  • Witnessing and participating in each others’ personal stories can generate feelings of deep understanding and trust amongst group members.

What kind of emotional issues does psychodrama help? 

  • Psychodrama allows for the safe expression of strong feelings and, for those who need it, the practice of containing emotions.
  • As participants move from ‘talking about’ into action, opportunities arise to heal the past, clarify the present and imagine the future.
  • Psychodrama can offer a wider perspective on individual and social problems and an opportunity to try out new behaviours.

Psychodrama can, for example:

  • help people to better understand themselves and their history,
  • resolve loss and trauma,
  • overcome fears,
  • improve their intimate and social relationships,
  • express and integrate blocked thoughts and emotions,
  • practice new skills or prepare for the future (aftercare plan)

Each psychodrama addresses the concerns of the person who is in focus. The range of issues may be wide. The person who shares their work is chosen sociometrically by the group, highlighting the group concern. Hence all members of the group also share in the work in a personal way.

Do therapists have to have special training to use psychodrama?

  • Yes, there is a certification process for clinicians who want to utilize this method to enhance their clients’ treatment.
  • Mary Bellofatto, a masters prepared therapist from Naples FL, is the psychodrama clinician at Crossroads. She is certified and a certified trainer of psychodrama for other clinicians. She is also a Certified Eating Disorders Specialist and she treats a wide range of emotional issues. She has been a clinician for over 35 years and brings an extensive wisdom and knowledge to her treatment process. We are thrilled to have Mary as one of our workshop facilitators at Crossroads Programs for Women. She is nationally recognized as an expert in her field.

What about the spiritual aspects of healing? How do you address those at Crossroads?

  • We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective. It is widely recognized that all healing has a spiritual dimension. Ours is defined so that women coming to our programs know the values and focus of our therapy.

What is life and recovery coaching?

  • Life coaching is a wonderful enhancement to the therapy process. A therapist will help you understand the behavioral blocks that are affecting you. Coaching is about helping you set goals, determining the steps to attaining them, and during the process.
  • Recovery coaching includes life coaching techniques but is also focused on sustaining recovery.
  • Who benefits from coaching? If a woman is going through a situation in life and needs support in setting her goals to obtain a desired outcome, then coaching may be the answer. Many of the issues we work on together include relationship problems, anxiety, codependency, loss, letting go, and life transitions.
  • In coaching we look at life balance and how to live a more satisfied life. What are your closing thoughts you would like share?

Does a person have to be in therapy to participate in your coaching programs?

  • No, it is available as a stand alone program for those who do not have more complex problems.  However, for those with more complex situations, it is a very helpful enhancement to their journey of healing.

What other things would you like people to know?

  • Life is complicated and women face many complex issues and difficult situations throughout their lives. Crossroads is dedicated to helping women who struggle with depression, codependency, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, relationship issues, grief and loss, and other situational stressors that interrupt and disrupt their lives.
  • Crossroads provides programs by prominent clinicians, chosen for their clinical expertise in well-defined treatment topics, offering focused and innovative care solutions.
  • Our programs are cost effective. We will check your insurance benefits. We also accept all major credit cards, accept checks, and have a payment plan through Paypal Credit that offers 0% interest on 6 months financing.

But most importantly I want women to know:

  • Our past doesn’t have to define our future. Our woundedness can be a foundation for our future strengths. At Crossroads with expert guidance and a supportive environment of women who share your struggles, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.
  • Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. There is hope. We can help you.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

“NO” is a Complete Sentence

07 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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There are only two words that will always lead you to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, you’ve mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no. Your goals depend on it!  (Jack Canfield)

Looking at the root issues of over commitment whether it is the result of codependency or lack of good boundaries over commitment is something that we often struggle with in our busy world.

No is a power word. It gives a definite sense of self. Children recognize its power very early and go through a stage where it is their favorite word. However, unless we learn to say no we will continue to be stressed and have too much to do and not enough time. And generally it is our ideas, our health, and quality time with our family or our self that suffer. Learning to say NO will release you from the burden of always pleasing others and give you more time and freedom to do what you want and need to do.

Ironically as we learn to say no more, we more than likely feel guilty. Choose to see this as a sign that you are making changes in your life.

You ALWAYS HAVE A RIGHT to Say “No”:

  • When it’s someone else’s issue
  • When it’s something you don’t want to do
  • When there’s something you’d MUCH rather do
  • When it takes away from your values and wishes
  • When you think you’re taken for granted
  • When you deserve or need some time to yourself

You ABSOLUTELY MUST Say “No”:

  • When you’re stressed or overwhelmed
  • When you’re already doing too much
  • When you’re tired or sick, ask yourself: what things in your life do you need to say no to? Don’t overthink it, just write down whatever pops into your heads right now!
  1. ______________________________
  2. ______________________________
  3. ______________________________
  4. ______________________________
  5. ______________________________

What currently stops you from saying “no” to these things? What are your beliefs about saying “no” and what are your beliefs about saying “yes”? Why do you say “Yes” when you’d rather be saying No? How do you BENEFIT by saying “Yes”? Understanding this is an essential step to saying “No” – and valuing your goals, needs and time!

  • When I say “Yes” I feel ­­­­____________________
  • When I say “Yes” I want other people to think I am   ______________________
  • By saying “Yes”, what am I saying “No” to in my own life? _____________________
  • Remember: Whenever we say “Yes” to something, we are saying “No” to something else – even if that something is simply relaxing!
  • When I say “No” I feel ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_______________________
  • When I say “No” I worry other people will think I am _________________
  • By saying “No”, I could say “Yes” to these things in my life ______________________
  • Lastly, when I say “Yes”, but I really want to say “No” I feel ________________
  • My biggest fears about saying “No” are ________________________

When we say “No” to something, it’s an opportunity to make room for something else that is truly important to us. In order to say “No” effectively you need to be in touch with what’s important to YOU – to know YOUR priorities in life. It’s then much easier to say “No” because we’re clear on what we want and need instead. Ask yourself:

    • What is MOST important to ME in life
    • How would I like to spend MORE time?
    • Where would I like to spend LESS time?
    • What is my top priority this year?
    • What is my top priority this month?
    • What is my top priority this week
    • If I had a magic wand I would ….

As with most things in life, there is no one size fits all answer. Everything depends on the relative importance of the situation, people affected, what’s going on in your life at the time, the person asking, your history with them etc. Changing gradually is just fine: If, in the past you have been a “Yes” person, you may want to gradually become a person who says “No”. You may want to take your time and practice on small things, working up. When “No” is the right answer for you, say it pleasantly, assertively and with conviction. If it leaves you feeling strong and good in yourself (even if there is a small amount of guilt) then you have made the right choice for you!

Beyond Boundaries

20 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, therapy for women, women and relationships

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I have been reading the book Beyond Boundaries by John Townsend.  He and Henry Cloud wrote the original Boundaries books with all the affiliated products.  Understanding boundaries is key in healthy relationships.

When I am involved with a client as a recovery coach, I help the client identify their core values and what needs come from those values.  Here is a synopsis of what Dr Townsend has to say in Beyond Boundaries as well as some of my thoughts for my clients.   I hope it is helpful!

There are two types of boundaries: 1) defining and 2) protective.

You recognized your defining boundaries when you acknowledged your values and what needs come out of those values.   There is as a general rule very little variation or change in those defining boundaries.

Protective boundaries are part of the work you did on codependency as well as identifying (and being) “a safe person” as well as the toxic relationships you identified and created action plans around.

Think of it in terms of your body. Your skin pretty much doesn’t change except for aging through the years. It’s the container that holds us together and by which people recognize us. When people see you, they identify you through your appearance.

Now think about your clothing. We wear clothing to protect us from the elements around us. We change our clothing according to how cold, warm, casual, or formal the circumstances and elements around us are.

Our defining boundaries might change a little but not that much through the years, like our skin. Our protective boundaries may change based on the elements around us, like our clothing. You adjust them based on how safe you are. In some relationships you may only need the emotional equivalency of shorts and a T shirt. In others you may need bomb squad gear.

Set and keep your defining boundaries—your skin—as a permanent part of who you are. But allow some wiggle room in your protective boundaries based on the amount of safety you need in a relationship.

You have to understand that the other person has a choice. Anyone at any time can reject your boundaries. It is the tough reality. You have to accept that reality. Your choice to have a boundary must be protected and his/her choice to not agree with yours must also be protected.

For example, if your partner is refuses to recognize that his/her actions are destructive to you, it is essential to set a boundary around that behavior. If it is angry outbursts against you, you will need to explain you will leave the room and, if you have to, the house until your partner recognizes how deeply his/her anger is hurting you. Your partner may not accept that boundary and get angrier and meaner. Your partner may decide to leave the relationship rather than change.

So is it worth it to set those boundaries? In a case like this did the boundaries cause the breakup? The problem was not the boundaries. You didn’t leave your partner or your commitment to your partner. It was the partner who made the choice to leave; you did not force the partner out. Your partner’s relational terrorism cannot be allowed to keep you from doing the right thing.

The point is this: your boundaries will create a space, a separation between you and someone in your life. That person will have the choice to bridge the separation by making changes and becoming more loving or to increase the distance by moving further away or even leaving the relationship.

You can do everything you can to keep the relationship together but you can never, in your own power, make a person stay with you. Staying or going is always a choice, one that every person has.

So did the boundaries work? They were set as a protective limit. Boundaries aren’t guarantees of responsibility or concern in someone. But they can:

  1. Bring reality and clarity
  2. Protect you
  3. Show someone the path to change

But boundaries do not remove the other person’s choice. So from this perspective, they do work. They protect you even if the outcome is different than you hoped for. You have to understand that this is still good news. It is diagnostic. It gives you the information you need about the character of the other person and the problem you are experiencing. Better to have a doctor’s diagnosis for a problem than to avoid making the appointment and allow the problem to do more damage.

If you have kept a journal through the process, you can now revisit those early entries before you set the boundary and focus on the peace in your life without anger and blame.

You can grieve the loss of your “dreams” for the relationship but understand that you are being re-created for a better future.

Sticks and Stones: The Truth is that Words Really Can Hurt You!

12 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, therapy for women, women and relationships

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You can’t see bruises or broken bones. So you wonder if it is really a serious problem. Emotionally abused women state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. But there are invisible scars that destroy your sense of self and often lead to faulty thinking which negatively impacts your decisions and your life.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

  1. Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but can’t describe it?
  2. Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
  3. Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
  4. Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
  5. Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else or accuse you of having affairs?
  6. Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner’s eyes?
  7. Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
  8. Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
  9. Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
  10. When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
  11. Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from talking to others about how you feel?
  12. If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don’t deserve anything?
  13. After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
  14. Does he use the children against you in arguments?  Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
  15. Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?

    Emotional abuse is a choice and a learned behavior so it is difficult to say that emotional abuse is caused by any one single factor. It is not gender specific. Women can also emotionally abuse their partners. The following beliefs and attitudes are common for abusers:

  • Sense of entitlement
  • A belief they should have power and control over their partner
  • Belief that they can get away with it
  • Learned experience that being abusive gets them what they want
  • Belief that their lives should take priority

The effects of emotional abuse:

  •  Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
  • Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
  • Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior?
  • Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
  • Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
  • Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
  • Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
  • Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbors?
  • Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?

What can you do about it?

  • Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and get help.
  • Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad as or worse than physical abuse.
  • Take your safety and the safety of your children seriously.
  • Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
  • Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
  • Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
  • Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
  • Recognize you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
  • Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.

My final thoughts focus on your safety if you decide to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Shelters do accept those who are emotionally abused and have not been physically abused. If you have been threatened with harm or death, or are being stalked (followed and harassed) by your partner or ex-partner, you can call the police. Dial 911. If you are considering leaving, especially if you have children, see a lawyer. Abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave.

Counseling can help you identify and accept your own definition of normal as part of your journey to happiness.  You need to explore your values and needs and recognize how to achieve your goals. With expert guidance and a supportive environment, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.

_____________________________

Sources available upon request

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO, of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Buttercups and Porcupine Quills: Women, Anger, and Aggression

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

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I addressed what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day in my previous blog and how our gender socialization impacts how we view and express anger as women. (In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.)

Many of the long term consequences of anger are negative. Yet, anger is part of our biological makeup for both genders. It is part of the fight-or-flight reaction. It had survival value in the past and it has some positives in the present including but not limited to the following:

  1. It can be an appropriate response to injustice (anger may have played a role in social movements that led to equality for women, the elderly, blacks, the disabled, protection of helpless animals, Mothers Against Drunk Driving to name a few)
  2. It is an alerting function that may help us become aware of situations in our life that we need to address directly which may lead to problem solving
  3. It may present an increased motivation to right the wrongs we see in the world as well as in our individual lives

Verbal expressions of anger may include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm. Anger can also be expressed physically by raising a clenched fist, throwing a book on the floor, breaking a pencil or hitting a wall.

Anger crosses the line when it becomes aggression. Aggression has a determined intention to harm another person. Often, it reflects a desire for dominance and control. Weapons are often involved. Aggression can be shown by punching, shoving, hitting or even maiming another person, and it can occur in marital violence, child or elder abuse, bullying, or gang and criminal activities. Research shows that 90% of the time, it is acts of aggression arising from anger that wind up in the criminal justice system. But only 10 percent of anger experiences are actually followed by aggression. People often want to act aggressively when angry but most do not actually take aggressive actions. This is not to say that anger may not have negative and long lasting effects on a marriage or other significant relationships.

Facts about anger:

  • Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives.
  • When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed
  • In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution.
  • Taking a breather using simple tools, such as relaxation techniques and visual imagery, can help soothe angry feelings and may be a good first step before talking to person with whom you are angry.

When is more intensive professional help necessary? There is cause for alarm if:

  • your anger is moderate to intense
  • experienced frequently
  • endures to the point where you are holding a grudge
  • you have plans for revenge and getting even
  • is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions

When you experience anger as outlined above, you are likely at risk for the negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression. There can be a very high cost to anger. The good news is that mental health professionals can help you understand the triggers for your anger and help you develop strategies to control your anger and improve your life. _____________________

The relaxation techniques used to reduce stress can be very helpful in coping with anger and expressing it appropriately. Crossroads Programs for Women offers on demand video psycho-educational lectures which include resource materials and exercises for relaxation. Check them out here: https://crossroadsprogramsforwomenvide.pivotshare.com/

If you believe your anger has become aggression, please call Crossroads for information on how our programs can help. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

Freedom from Codependency: Are You Surviving or Really Living Life?

04 Sunday Jan 2015

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Each life is a tapestry of the individual’s experiences from birth until death. At one time codependency was used to describe the spouse or significant others of people who were chemically dependent. We now know that others, such as adult children of alcoholics, people involved in relationships with the emotionally dysfunctional, and adults who suffered abuse in childhood often have codependent behaviors. It could be someone who spends more time living their lives for others, than for themselves. It could be someone who lets the feelings and actions of others affect them to the point they lose control of their own lives.

Codependence is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior and it is born out of dysfunctional family systems (sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely). As an adult one experiences the painful trauma of the emptiness of one’s childhood and one’s relationships throughout life.

Some attempt to use others (mates, friends, and their children) as their sole source of identity, value and wellbeing, and as a way of trying to restore within one’s self the emotional losses from childhood. Their histories may include other powerful addictions which at times they used to cope with their codependence.

Melody Beattie describes in her book “Codependent No More”, codependents as hostile, controlling, manipulative and crazy. She says they are hostile because they are chronically hurt: they try to control others in a misguided attempt to regain control of themselves: they use manipulation because they believe it is the only way to get things done: and they feel crazy because of living this way. Fortunately, codependency can be overcome, but it takes a strong desire to change and usually requires some kind of therapy.

If one were to try to sum up the vast behaviors it would fit into these few characteristics:

  • Excessive caretaking (with the result being: I take such good care of you, why don’t you anticipate my needs and take care of me sometimes.) BECAUSE: You have trained them to believe you do not need anything
  • Low self-esteem (with the end result being: I only feel good about me when I help others, and if something goes wrong it must be my fault.) BECAUSE: You have accepted you will never be enough and need to feel like a victim, besides I can blame others and that makes me feel better about myself.
  • Denial (codependents ignore, minimize, or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing “things will get better when…” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings; beside it’s really not that bad.”) BECAUSE: If you accept your feelings, you will have to find healthy ways to cope.
  • Fear of anger (codependents are afraid of both own and their loved one’s anger.) BECAUSE: If you accept your feelings you might have the make changes in the relationship.
  • Health Problems (The stress of codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma, high blood pressure, and many other medical, physical, and emotional issues. BECAUSE: The body is trying to send a message. A quote I heard many years ago” If one does not grieve their losses the organs will.” Often trying to deal with the family of origin mandates: Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, and Don’t Trust
  • Addictive Behaviors (Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration) BECAUSE: Addictions numb the psychic, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • If you identify with these behaviors, you can experience a new freedom from your self-defeating lifestyle. The good news is that you are changeable, valuable, loveable, and forgivable. There are many healthy steps of change, the first being able and willing to ask for help. We are all better together–especially in a journey of healing. ______________________

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, is CEO and Founder of Crossroads Programs for Women which offers intensive outpatient programs, online psychoeducational programming, life style and recovery coaching, and individual therapy for women. She serves as the Executive Director of The International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals Foundation Inc. (iaedp), an 800 member professional organization that trains and certifies professionals to treat eating disorders. She has been in the mental health field since 1987.   www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

Three Year Olds Have a Lot to Teach Adults: The Power of Why Questions

06 Thursday Nov 2014

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Being around a three year old teaches us—as adults—the power of questions.   Ever spent time with a child asking an unending barrage of “why” questions? How many times do adults in frustration say “because I said so—that’s why”? Yet out of the mouths of babes comes a technique that when implemented by an adult as a problem solving tool is a powerful exercise for understanding. In many situations the real problem and its solution are obscured by the apparent problem because we don’t go far enough to identify the actual problem.

The 5 Whys technique was originally developed by Sakichi Toyoda and later used by Toyota Motor Corporation during the evolution of their manufacturing methodologies. Essentially by repeating why five times, the nature of the problem as well as its solution becomes clearer. This process gets people involved using their brains and challenging the status quo.

The power of asking why five times can be implemented in our personal lives very usefully and is often used by life coaches with their clients. How would this work? First, state the problem as you understand it today: “I am feeling very tired and anxious today.”

  • Why are you tired and anxious?  I didn’t sleep well last night. I stayed up too late working on a project that had to be completed by this morning even though I knew that I needed to be rested and at work early today for an important meeting.
  • Why did you wait until the last night to work on the project?  I had intended to do it on Saturday but decided to go shopping and out to dinner instead so I had to finish it last night.
  • Why did you choose to go shopping and out to dinner rather than take care of the project as you planned?  I didn’t want to do the project at all really. I reluctantly offered to help a friend with it when she asked and I instantly regretted it.
  • Why did you offer to do it when you really didn’t want to?  I have a difficult time saying “no” even when I don’t want to do something. When I know how to do something that someone else needs, I feel guilty when I say “no”.
  • Why do you have difficulty saying “no” and meaning it? Everyone counts on me. I want them to like and admire me. I enjoy being viewed as a very capable person. I feel bad about myself when I don’t help out.

 

Can you see that the actual problem isn’t really the late night causing the lack of energy to meet her responsibilities which results in anxiety about the important meeting? The late night and project deadline are the apparent problems. The apparent solution would be not to wait until the last minute to work on a project. Although procrastination and time management are elements of this situation and may need further exploration, focusing on those issues would be working on the symptoms–not the actual problem. The actual problem here is client’s lack of boundaries (#3/4) and issues with codependency (#4/5).

A boundary is always about you. You are not demanding what anyone else must do. You are only setting your own limits on what you are willing to do or not do. Do you have trouble saying no and meaning it? Boundaries help you take control of your life. But many people don’t know where to start.

 

Codependency can cripple and sabotage your life. It involves manipulation, decision making and confrontation avoidance, over controlling, lack of trust, and perfectionism. Most codependents don’t recognize the dysfunction it brings to their lives.

Therapists work with patients to identify and understand the roots of these unhealthy behaviors, the consequences in their lives today from those behaviors, and teach them how to overcome them for healthier future relationships. In life coaching the focus is on the future goal(s) as determined by the client using tools of action plans and accountability. The 5 Why Questions help clarify the real challenges and enhance development of effective solutions to the real problem—not the symptoms.

______________________

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Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Now is the time to Make 2015 Your Best Year Ever!

03 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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Make 2015 Your Masterpiece

We have a program this weekend!  Our schedule for November and December here:
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/Workshop%20Schedule.htm
Special pricing during the holidays. Celebrate the New Year with knowledge on how to change your life!  Call us at 800-348-0937 or use the contact form below!

Thought for the Day: If You Can’t Change the Situation, Change Yourself!

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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The High Cost of Unresolved Issues