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Tag Archives: stress

Dancing in a Minefield

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in Anxiety, Codependence, parenting teens, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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Tags

#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #therapyforwomen, anger, codependency, relationship issues, stress

Guest Blogger:  Lynne Oliver, LCSW Crossroads Programs for Women

I read somewhere that there is a delicate dance between parents and their emerging teens. Goody, goody gumdrops for that writer! My husband and I raised eight of them and our “delicate dance: was more like dancing in a minefield. We certainly were not “Dancing with the Stars” in our home. We were in a minefield and there were bombs exploding all around us. Sometimes we were throwing grenades as well. Although we were dancing as fast as we could, we were often running on empty.

For me, the first order of business was to clean up my own habits. Many of us have suitcases of guilt, bulging with unfinished business and rotten behaviors. For some reason we carry them around and even unpack them at times. How goofy is that? We sure can’t navigate through a minefield hauling that big bag of clunky junk around.

So what can we do?

Well, I live in Realville, so I chose to put my super hero cape away and join the race- the human race- and develop some survival skills. I also had to accept that I will never do the right thing all the time, but I will show up and love my child wherever they are at that moment. There is no magic formula and there is only one way out – through the minefield. . Parents need to redeem the time with their teens because life has no pause button. “Despite some adults’ negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what’s fair and right. So although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help them grow into the distinct individuals they will become.” (unknown)

Anger is normal and universal. It is at epic proportions in our country. Parents must confront it wisely and carefully. We don’t want our child’s anger to detonate, wounding her and others. We don’t want it delayed so that it strikes in the form of many explosions later and perhaps damages the child permanently. Instead we want to defuse the anger as it comes along carefully and gently. Growth is a process. Immature people express anger unpleasantly. (We need to make sure we aren’t the immature ones.)

Because we love our child, we want him to become a young adult of maturity, confidence and integrity. We are willing to pay whatever price is necessary to attain that goal. We may not be able to control the outside world, but we can change the inside world of your home. We must be intentional in creating an oasis at home where anyone is welcome anytime.

We all have a heritage and we all pass down a legacy to our children. We want to pass down a positive spiritual, emotional and social legacy. Separately, each strand of this cord cannot hold much weight, but when wrapped together they are strong. Parents need to evaluate what we are doing now that either contributes to or detracts from building that legacy. If I want my children to remember me as a constant safe place in their lives, I must make the conscious choice to be a safe place for them on a daily basis. If I’m too busy to calm their Big Feelings or listen to their hopes and dreams, then I am too busy.

At the root of much teenage misbehavior is an empty love tank. Parents need to keep their teens’ emotional tanks filled. Love is our greatest ally. If parents are running on empty, they need to fill their tanks first. For me that means doing some things that bring me joy and contentment .Everyone has her own pockets of joy. Often, the best place to start is with breathing. Breathe in, breathe out, and breathe often. If you have a teen, you appreciate what I am saying. If not, let me try to help you understand. 1) Your beautiful talented daughter nervously stands in the kitchen with tears in her eyes. When you ask her what is wrong, she announces she is pregnant. Breathe. 2) The high school principal phones and tells you that your son has been arrested for illegal drugs. Breathe.

Laugh. Try to find something to laugh about. Laughter is free and, like breathing, anyone can do it. You don’t need any special equipment and you can even do it sitting down. I don’t suggest laughing hysterically in the Walmart parking lot to fill your tank. This could make people parked near you a bit nervous. (Don’t ask how I know, but I know) Pick your time and place.

Our family values are the compass that guides our teens. They are yearning for boundaries and good directions. Unconditional love gives the teen a soft place to land when she falls. When we love one another, we find hope. I don’t have a magic wand, but I have learned that communicating unconditional love to our teens is a fine place to start. An acronym for Love is “Living our values everyday”.

My journey has taught me that some things just don’t matter. Blue hair, messy room, loud music- a few of the “don’t matters”. Pick your battles wisely. Finally, remember the Parent of Teen motto, “We’re going through this together, and we’ll come out of it- together.”

Lynne Oliver, MSW, LCSW,  describes herself as a not so perfect (NSP) Mother  to 8 NSP kids. She is a NSP Grandma to 17 NSP grands and wife to one very patient NSP man. She says, “My children have taken me on journeys where I did not want to go and down roads I did not want to travel. Along the way I have learned a few things and I am living proof that perfection is overrated.”  She currently works as a medical social worker for Methodist Hospital and is a workshop facilitator at Crossroads Programs for Women.

April 2016 Programs for Moms and Daughters:

Putting the Sparkle Back in Your Daughter’s Crown:
ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAM FOR  TEEN GIRLS

Do any of these behaviors sound like your daughter?

  • Angry, irritable
  • Quick Temper
  • Easily annoyed, resentful
  • Defiant, Argumentative
  • Blames others for their mistakes

Outpatient Anger Management Groups Starts April 6th:

  • Six week program
  • Wednesday evenings beginning April 6, 2016
  • 7-8:30 pm
  • Girls ages 13 – 18 years old
  • Insurance accepted
  • $399
  • Call today! Group size is limited.
  • All calls are confidential
411:  Help for Mothers of Teens and Young Women 
This program is available in a four week coaching format. Scheduling is flexible to accommodate your schedule.  Sessions are 2.5 hours each.
Facilitator:  Bonnie Harken NCLC
Program Description:
Helping troubled kids or supporting young adults who are struggling is not for the faint hearted!  It is often a time when you feel alone and confused.  This coaching program is designed to offer support as you feel overwhelmed, disappointed, and isolated.  Helping your child and trying to keep up with your other responsibilities can be exhausting. It can also cause conflict in your relationships with others.  Learn how to restore balance to your life as you go through this challenging time!
Email or call for more information!
 
 
Call today.  No obligation.  All calls are confidential. Or email us here

                                  1-800-348-0937

What is life coaching?  Watch this video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How to Have More Satisfying Relationships: Examine Your Expectations

18 Monday Jan 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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Tags

#depression, #relationship problems, #therapyforwomen, relationship issues, stress

bigstock-painted-red-heart-in-the-palms-27807170What is the difference between expectations, needs, and desires? Expectations are hopes and beliefs that are focused on the future and may or may not be realistic. A need is something that is necessary for healthy relating and living. Do you know what is essential for you to have a healthy relationship (i.e. fidelity, kindness, lack of drug or alcohol addiction, etc.)? What are your deal breakers or non-negotiables? A desire is a preference about something you would like to have or receive.

If you are continuously disappointed by the people in your life, perhaps you are doing them a disservice by expecting what they cannot deliver. Unrealistic expectations can lead to anger, frustration and resentment. By rethinking your attitude toward others, you can be happier in your relationships and life.

  1. Why adjust your expectations? One reason to take unrealistic expectations seriously is that studies have shown that people who harbor these expectations are prone to anxiety, depression and unhappiness. Being more realistic may improve your contentment and emotional health.
  2. The habit of expecting too much from people often comes from childhood. Many of us think in terms of perfection when we are younger, but as adults we learn the perfect man, the perfect child, the perfect friend, the perfect job and the perfect body are impossible goals. Did you learn this habit when you were young? If so, try to give others approval, compliments and reassurance in place of expectations.
  3. Make a list of those who often disappoint you.  By acknowledging these disappointing feelings, you may see a pattern of people at work or home. (One caution here: if there is one area of your life where there are complex problems, you may not be able to have realistic expectations until other issues are resolved.)
  4. Understand expectations and dependence. We are often harder on the people who are close to us. When we depend upon someone, there are more personal consequences when they don’t come through. If your list is filled with people that you are close to, perhaps you rely too heavily on them. Not everyone has the same skill set. Reassess whether they have unreasonable responsibilities placed upon them.
  5. Make a list of the “good” qualities of the people you love. Perhaps a positive trait is connected to a negative trait that you did not see at the beginning of your relationship. (An honest person may wear their heart on their sleeve. An extrovert may be very opinionated. It is the old adage of a two edged sword!) It is easier to get a realistic view of someone’s personality than try to change a trait so that it is ideal in your eyes.
  6. Are you too focused on yourself? The psychotherapist Albert Ellis once said, “Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to. It may be preferable, but not necessary.” You might consider engaging in a sympathy or empathy-building activity. Attend a support group, volunteer at a shelter, help out at a hospital or any other activity where you are in a supporting role rather than an organizing role that gives you a chance to view real people and help them.
  7. Television and movies are not real life models! Hollywood depicts an unrealistic view of the world. Replace the “storybook ending” with time with people you love or choose options that depict people with both strengths and weaknesses. Caution: TV reality shows are not reality!
  8. What about self-help books? These books can be helpful for creating goals and positive thoughts but those goals can also be unrealistic. Take into account that those you interact with are often cycling through highs and lows and may not be their “best self” all the time.
  9. Don’t expect others to read your mind! Never expect someone to know how you’re feeling if you haven’t told them. Many times we expect people to understand how we feel just by looking or talking to us. People’s emotional mindsets may be entirely different, so they should not be held accountable for something they were unaware of.
  10. Consider realistic expectations a valuable skill set. As soon as you are able to redefine your expectations for people, you can use those skills in other areas of your life.

Unrealistic expectations can deprive you of a full, interesting, and satisfying life. They can form a set of limiting beliefs that get in the way of making meaningful changes. The good news is that you can reframe your expectations and have more satisfying relationships.

__________________ Sources available upon request.

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum in four and five day intensive outpatient formats.   We also offer group and individual life coaching. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

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Now is the time to Make 2015 Your Best Year Ever!

03 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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Tags

#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, addictive behaviors, anxiety, codependency, depression, eating disorders, relationship issues, stress

Make 2015 Your Masterpiece

We have a program this weekend!  Our schedule for November and December here:
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/Workshop%20Schedule.htm
Special pricing during the holidays. Celebrate the New Year with knowledge on how to change your life!  Call us at 800-348-0937 or use the contact form below!

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Thought for the Day: If You Can’t Change the Situation, Change Yourself!

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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#depression, #eating disorders #crossroads programs for women #diet help, #panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, addictive behaviors, binge eating, codependency, recovery, stress

The High Cost of Unresolved Issues

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Pain is Inevitable: Suffering is Optional?

17 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Tags

addictive behaviors, anxiety, binge eating, codependency, depression, eating disorders, grief and loss, panic, stress

It is true that pain and sadness are part of the journey of life. I recently read this: “There is sadness but there is no suffering.” It was a statement meant to challenge most individuals’ belief about pain and suffering. The writer went on to say that pain and sadness are part of life but it is only when we resist our feelings that suffering happens.

When pain happens our natural tendency is to resist and deny the feelings. But…are we really denying ourselves when we resist our feelings? A second response is to run away from the feelings in a panic. But running away is followed by running after the feelings in order to control them. These actions actually reinforce the feelings as they subconsciously demand that we face them.

How can we break the cycle and avoid needless suffering? We must allow ourselves to be aware of the feeling. Then we need to acknowledge the feeling. The final step is to accept the feeling. So the thoughts change from I have lost that person/thing and I can’t go on (resistance) to I have lost that person/thing and I am sad.

The suffering lessens as we accept our sadness as a normal response to the loss. Then the process of healing can begin. Thus the writer’s statement: There is sadness but no suffering. Change is inevitable in life and often causes pain. If we can learn to face our feelings, we can accept their legitimacy in our journey.

We get stuck in our lives due to many factors: wounds of the past, conflicts of the present, and fears of the future. At Crossroads, we help women identify and accept their own definition of normal as part of their journey to happiness.  We provide a therapeutic setting free of judgment or shame to allow women to explore their needs and recognize how to achieve their goals. With expert guidance and a supportive environment of women who share your struggles, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you.

Our next program:
Learning to Love Yourself
Saturday October 25th – Tuesday October 28th! 

There is still time to be part of this compassionate journey to self-acceptance and healing pathway to self-fulfillment, a Four Day Intensive Outpatient Program.  Call us for more information 800-348-0937.  All inquiries are confidential  Or click on this link or copy and paste into your browser for more information!http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/WellsofChangeProgram.html
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

 

 


[1] Article references available upon request

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The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists

16 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Women and relationships

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#depression, #relationship problems, anxiety, codependency, compulsive behaviors, stress, therapy for women

The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists

Have you assessed the relationships in your life, both past and present, and wondered why you attract the same type of man or woman over and over?  There has been a lot written in the field of psychology about the attraction between codependents and narcissists.

Basically, narcissists focus on themselves; codependents focus on others.  For purposes of definition, a narcissist is a person who displays abnormal self-love with an exaggerated sense of superiority. They often seek attention and admiration from others and believe that they are better than others and are therefore entitled to special treatment. A narcissist is very charming in order to seduce people into liking them.  Their ability to seduce is amazing.  They want you to fall in love and bond with them so they can finally emerge as their true selves without being abandoned. The narcissist is attracted to the codependent who feels perfect to them because they are allowed to take the lead which makes them feel powerful, competent, and appreciated.  Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD) is a personality disorder which can be diagnosed and treated by a mental health professional.

Codependency is a learned behavior in which a person enters a relationship with another person and becomes emotionally dependent on him or her. Codependent people maintain an exaggerated sense of responsibility toward the other people in their relationships. They tend to do more than their share in their relationships and are hurt when they do not get recognition for it. Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.  They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated.  They often are sensitive to criticism, are inflexible to change and have problems with intimacy.

Codependency is not considered a mental disorder.  However, it is a set of unhealthy behaviors which can cripple and sabotage the lives we desire because it involves manipulation, decision making and confrontation avoidance, over controlling, lack of trust, and perfectionism.

Codependents find narcissistic partners deeply appealing.  They are attracted to their charm, boldness, and confident personality.  When the narcissist and the codependent become partners, the romance sizzles with excitement in the beginning.  But the narcissist fears a loss of identity and is sensitive to everything that leads to bonding.  They might pick fights and uproars to avoid bonding, use seduce and withhold behaviors, and many other ways to sabotage intimacy and bonding.   Eventually the thrilling romance transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and feeling trapped.

Codependents confuse care taking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.  They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated. Codependents desire harmony and balance but they consistently chose a partner to whom they are initially attracted but will eventually resent.  They are resistant to leaving their partner because of their lack of self esteem and self respect.  What they fail to realize is that without self esteem or self respect, they are  incapable of choosing a mutually giving and unconditionally loving partner.  Their fear of being alone, compulsion to fix the relationship at any cost, and comfort with the martyr role is often an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child. Although codependents dream of an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to pick narcissistic partners.

Both forms of dysfunction are often the result of childhood experiences.  The narcissist has often experienced excessive pampering, neglect, or abuse.  The codependent has usually learned the behavior from other family members. It is important to note neither condition is gender specific. A narcissist can be a man or woman and likewise a codependent can be a man or woman. Narcissists are often sex addicts or love addicts.   In the past male narcissistic sex addicts have been referred to as “Don Juan or Casanova” and females as “black widow spiders”.

In psychotherapy narcissists are encouraged to develop more realistic self-esteem and expectations for other people. Codependents benefit from group therapy to help them rediscover their identity and stop self-defeating behavior.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you.

Our next program:  Learning to Love Yourself, Saturday October 25th – Tuesday October 28th!  There is still time to be part of this compassionate journey to self-acceptance and a healing pathway to self-fulfillment, a Four Day Intensive Outpatient Program.  Click on this link or copy and paste into your browser for more information!http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/WellsofChangeProgram.html
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

800-348-0937

 


[1] Article references available upon request

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Crossroads Includes Hormone and Neurotransmitter Testing to Support Patients in Therapy

26 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

#depression, #eating disorders #crossroads programs for women #diet help, #relationship problems, addictive behaviors, anxiety, stress, therapy for women

Our 5 day outpatient program-Reclaim Your Hope- and our 4 day outpatient program-Learning to Love Yourself- now include this testing free of charge to you to help detect the physiological issues complicating your emotional wellbeing. These tests will provide additional information that may be very helpful in your recovery. Therapy is directly supported when the biochemistry of the body is addressed.

What Are These Tests?

  • Two noninvasive, simple-to-take tests
  • They are based on samples of saliva and urine that are sent to a lab for analysis to test neurotransmitter and hormone levels.
  • Providing comprehensive, important information on how the systems of your body are working and how they affect your emotional well-being.
  • We have a special expert guest speaker during the program who will answer any questions you may have

Are you on anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication? You can take the lab results from these tests to your physician to see if another medication may be more helpful or you may choose a more natural, holistic path. That is your choice! The test results will also include specific nutritional recommendations to assist in the restoration and resetting of the nervous system.

An emotion is the psychophysiological response to the interactions between biochemical and environmental stimuli. Many expressed emotions have been shown to stimulate specific brain regions. It is directly and indirectly influenced by the immune system, chronic inflammation, and mental thoughts.  Mental and emotional therapies for behavioral modifications are directly supported when biochemistry is also addressed. Assessment of neurotransmitter levels can provide valuable information about the status of the nervous system and its interaction with other systems in the body.

How Can These Tests Help?

Depression: It is very common for women with depression to take antidepressant therapies recommended by their doctor.  Commonly prescribed medications for depression work by altering brain signaling via neurotransmitter modulation. Assessment of neurotransmitters involved in depression can be helpful in selecting the best class of medication, tracking the medication’s effects, and determining the success of the medication.

Anxiety: Anxiety disorders can vary greatly in severity and duration, and accordingly, a variety of treatment plans are available. Assessment of neurotransmitter levels can provide valuable information about the status of the nervous system and its interaction with other systems in the body. The immune system can be evaluated in a number of ways to identify the presence and cause of inflammation or other root causes of anxiety. Once the biochemical abnormalities contributing to anxiety are identified, a personalized treatment approach to depression can be undertaken.

Stress: The way in which you manage stress throughout your life can have a substantial impact on your health and wellbeing. Modern living has created unnatural stress that the body can no longer adapt to at a certain point. In individuals with trouble coping, this can potentially lead to issues such as inflammatory or immune problems, in addition to neurotransmitter imbalances. Looking in to the potential cause of stress is essential in resolving the associated symptoms. Making an effort to reduce the stressors commonly present in everyday life is important, as well as providing support to help your body better deal with stress. Laboratory evaluation of neurotransmitter levels can lead your healthcare practitioner to suggest targeted amino acid therapy customized to your test results as well as your symptoms.

Hormone issues can lead to a variety of clinical symptoms. Often these issues are addressed as only a hormone problem. It is also important to consider the possible involvement of nervous, endocrine, and immune systems. The nervous system is the central regulator of the endocrine system. The immune system can override both. Evaluation of all three of these systems is needed in order to arrive at the correct diagnosis and treatment plan. Hormones and neurotransmitters can become imbalanced due to stressors on the body such as chronic inflammation, immune issues, anxiety, or depression.

What Do These Tests Cost?

These tests are expensive and only partially covered by most insurance plans.  At Crossroads we are women helping women. We know from personal experience the physical changes in our bodies throughout our lives. We understand that emotions are complex and believe that finding the right solutions based on a body, mind and spirit approach is an important component of healing. It is for this reason that this testing and education is being added to our program WITHOUT ANY ADDITIONAL COST TO YOU!

We limit the size of our groups in order to provide the most intensive therapeutic experience in a condensed format! Now these expensive tests as part of our treatment protocol in order to provide the best possible quality of care we can provide. Don’t miss out on this opportunity!

There is Still Time to Register for Our Upcoming October Program
Learning to Love Yourself – October 24-27, 2014

Questions?  Call 800-348-0937 or email me! bresourceful@earthlink.net
More information also at www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

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The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists

10 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in therapy for women

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

addictive behaviors, anxiety, binge eating, codependency, depression, eating disorders, panic, stress

The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists

Have you assessed the relationships in your life, both past and present, and wondered why you attract the same type of man or woman over and over?  There has been a lot written in the field of psychology about the attraction between codependents and narcissists.

Basically, narcissists focus on themselves; codependents focus on others.  For purposes of definition, a narcissist is a person who displays abnormal self-love with an exaggerated sense of superiority. They often seek attention and admiration from others and believe that they are better than others and are therefore entitled to special treatment. A narcissist is very charming in order to seduce people into liking them.  Their ability to seduce is amazing.  They want you to fall in love and bond with them so they can finally emerge as their true selves without being abandoned. The narcissist is attracted to the codependent who feels perfect to them because they are allowed to take the lead which makes them feel powerful, competent, and appreciated.  Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD) is a personality disorder which can be diagnosed and treated by a mental health professional.

Codependency is a learned behavior in which a person enters a relationship with another person and becomes emotionally dependent on him or her. Codependent people maintain an exaggerated sense of responsibility toward the other people in their relationships. They tend to do more than their share in their relationships and are hurt when they do not get recognition for it. Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.  They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated.  They often are sensitive to criticism, are inflexible to change and have problems with intimacy.

Codependency is not considered a mental disorder.  However, it is a set of unhealthy behaviors which can cripple and sabotage the lives we desire because it involves manipulation, decision making and confrontation avoidance, over controlling, lack of trust, and perfectionism.

Codependents find narcissistic partners deeply appealing.  They are attracted to their charm, boldness, and confident personality.  When the narcissist and the codependent become partners, the romance sizzles with excitement in the beginning.  But the narcissist fears a loss of identity and is sensitive to everything that leads to bonding.  They might pick fights and uproars to avoid bonding, use seduce and withhold behaviors, and many other ways to sabotage intimacy and bonding.   Eventually the thrilling romance transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and feeling trapped.

Codependents confuse care taking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.  They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated. Codependents desire harmony and balance but they consistently chose a partner to whom they are initially attracted but will eventually resent.  They are resistant to leaving their partner because of their lack of self esteem and self respect.  What they fail to realize is that without self esteem or self respect, they are  incapable of choosing a mutually giving and unconditionally loving partner.  Their fear of being alone, compulsion to fix the relationship at any cost, and comfort with the martyr role is often an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child. Although codependents dream of an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to pick narcissistic partners.

Both forms of dysfunction are often the result of childhood experiences.  The narcissist has often experienced excessive pampering, neglect, or abuse.  The codependent has usually learned the behavior from other family members. It is important to note neither condition is gender specific. A narcissist can be a man or woman and likewise a codependent can be a man or woman. Narcissists are often sex addicts or love addicts.   In the past male narcissistic sex addicts have been referred to as “Don Juan or Casanova” and females as “black widow spiders”.

In psychotherapy narcissists are encouraged to develop more realistic self-esteem and expectations for other people. Codependents benefit from group therapy to help them rediscover their identity and stop self-defeating behavior.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you.

Our next program:  Learning to Love Yourself, Saturday October 25th – Tuesday October 28th!  There is still time to be part of this compassionate journey to self-acceptance and healing pathway to self-fulfillment, a Four Day Intensive Outpatient Program.  Click on this link or copy and paste into your browser for more information!http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/WellsofChangeProgram.html
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

800-348-0937

 


[1] Article references available upon request

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Body Image: The Problem and The Difficult Solutions

25 Friday Oct 2013

Posted by crossroads420 in Uncategorized

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Men and women often struggle with body image issues, now called body dysmorphic disorder.  If you have an eating disorder you more than likely will struggle with issues related to body image, but you can struggle with body issues and not have an eating disorder.  The definition of body image is our mental representation of us.  It is influenced by our feeling, which influences our behavior, thinking and self-esteem.  These body perceptions, feelings, and beliefs govern our life plan, who we meet, who we marry, the nature of our interactions, day-to-day comfort level, and the tendency toward psychological disorders.  Many issues are involved in assessing your body image.  They include your weight and diet history, your parents’ perception of your birth, the story of your birth, your name, and your parents nurturing style.  Also if you had any medical interventions as a child, peer acceptance, and sexual identification.

In each family we learned how to be male and female and all the implications and factors involved with this affects how we feel about our bodies.  Some of these would be our ego ideals, menstruation, developing bodies, pregnancy, menopause and aging are just a few.  The biggest influence in our society today on young boys and girls is the media where children are being influenced by what they see, which is an illusion. Considering their steady diet of observing children being sexualized, perfect bodies created by computer programs designed to remove any flaws and remove the normal curves of a body, is it any wonder that our children learn to distain their bodies and strive for the perfection that is impossible.  Our youth are selling their souls to buy the right products, get the necessary surgery, and in the process, they disconnect from their bodies and spend the rest of their lives trying to find the answers.  The sadness to me is to observe our youth living their lives as copies and some never find the awesomeness of how they were created to be unique and original.

 To determine how you feel about your body I recommend you write a letter to your body and fill in the blanks, 

 Dear Body:

I hate it when______________.

I do not like it when__________.

I am fed up with____________.

I love you because___________.

Thank you for ______________.

I appreciate you when________.

I want_____________________.

I’m afraid__________________.

I feel scared because__________.

I am guilty for _______________.

I am sorry that_______________.

Please forgive me for _________.

 Once you recognize and accept what you feel toward your body you can begin to make changes: Here are some suggestions:

  1. Develop criteria for self-esteem that go beyond appearance.
  2. Learn to appreciate how your body functions.
  3. Engage in behaviors that make you feel good about yourself.
  4. Reduce exposure to negative media images.
  5. Exercise for strength, fitness, and health, not just for weight control.
  6. Seek out others who respect and care about your body.
  7. Get out of abusive relationships.
  8. Identify and change habitual negative thoughts about your body.
  9. If you are stuck, seek help.
  10. Work on what you can change and accept what you can’t

You have been given your body by God.  No, it is not perfect.  But learning to love it, take care of it and changing your negative views can bring incredible joy as you connect and accept your body and learn gratitude and acceptance.  What a Gift! 

Mary Bellofatto MA, LMHC, NCC, CEDS, TEP, has spent the last 35 years assisting individuals in their journey of healing. Look for up and coming workshops with Mary at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin, where you can begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  It’s called finding the real me.  God made you an original, stop trying to be a copy.

Upcoming Workshops with Mary at Crossroads:

Reclaim Your Hope!

November 15-17, 2013

www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

 

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