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Bonnie Answers Questions about Herself and Crossroads Programs

13 Sunday Sep 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, women and relationships

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In a recent radio interview I was asked a lot of questions about myself and Crossroads Programs for Women.  I am posting this article because it may answer some of the questions others have.

My background:

  • I have been in the eating disorders treatment field since 1987.
  • I was a founding officer of Remuda Ranch Centers for Anorexia and Bulimia Inc. in Arizona.  I worked during research and development and then serving as a Vice President until February 2002.
  • Since February 2002 I have served as the Managing Director of The International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals Foundation (iaedp).
  • I have served many major treatment facilities as a consultant.
  • In January 2012 I founded Crossroads Programs for Women, a division of Crossroads Programs Inc.   Crossroads is located in a historic, beautiful 1862’s home in Pekin, Illinois.
  • In 2014 I became a Nationally Certified Life Coach through the Addictions Academy. I offer recovery and life coaching at Crossroads, adding another component to our treatment continuum.

My past service and board memberships include

  • President of the Methodist Hospital Volunteers, Peoria IL
  • Vice President and Treasurer Pekin YWCA Board of Directors
  • Pekin Hospital Fundraising Ball Co-Chair
  • President of Scottsdale AZ Metropolitan Business and Professional Women’s Association,
  • President of the iaedp Board of Directors
  • I currently serve on Human Capital Executive Research Board (HCERB), which is the business intelligence arm of Diversity Executive and Talent Management magazines.
  • I was recently been named a VIP Woman of the Year for Illinois in the nonprofit sector by the National Association of Professional Women.
  • Member, Eating Disorders Non Profit Leadership Council

Why did you decide to start Crossroads Programs for Women at a time in your life when many women your age are retiring? 

  • Women helping women is not a new idea at all. Paul’s letter to Titus two thousand years ago spoke about older women mentoring and encouraging younger women as they struggle with situations and challenges in their lives.
  • Since I entered the mental health field as a business professional in the late 1980’s, I have witnessed firsthand how our modern culture and the woundedness of life has caused wonderful women to get stuck in their emotional pain.
  • And I have been blessed to watch as they heal those wounds and move on to live full, productive lives.
  • When this wonderful historic home went on the market, I knew it would be a wonderful, safe and secure environment for women to come and work on their issues.
  • With God’s help, I was able to purchase the property. With the help of my family and friends as we prepared the property, we now offer therapeutic programs, individual therapy, and life/recovery coaching for women there.

Why do you think God wants women to reach out to women?

  • Well, for one thing, we can do it better than anyone else. I say this without any apology whatsoever. Only a woman knows what it’s like to go through a difficult pregnancy. To suffer PMS or postpartum blues.
  • Most of us know what it is to work through the terrible fatigue that results from chasing toddlers for hours on end.
  • Most of us can relate to the boredom and isolation of speaking to children all day in monosyllables.
  • Only a woman understands the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) discrimination sometimes confronted both at work and at church.
  • Only a woman can really understand how another woman feels.
  • And only a woman can follow up properly. It’s easy for us to call each other and ask, “How did the talk with your husband go yesterday?” “Are you feeling better?” “Why don’t you come over for coffee? We can talk a little more and pray together.”
  • This type of loving concern and practical advice often will defuse conflicts before they reach a crisis stage that threatens the marriage or requires long-term professional counseling.

Why do you think women have so many struggles when we live in country where we are so blessed with so many opportunities?

  • Certainly in America women have more opportunities than women in many parts of the world. But with those opportunities come challenges.
  • With careers comes stress – trying to balance all responsibilities of career, home, children, relationships
  • Our culture sets a standard of beauty that very few woman meet – not even the models in magazines are real images – most are photoshopped to make them thinner, taller…perfect! Cindy Crawford, the famous model, is quoted as saying she wishes she looked like Cindy Crawford.
  • Divorce is rampant which leaves most women in a position where they have far less financial resources to care for their children and a great many of them have little or no support from extended family in caring for their children.
  • The world’s casual view of relationships and sex. With the loss of valuing purity and taking time to establish a relationship and a long term commitment, the consequences of these casual or non-committed relationships are often devastating to women.
  • Another result of casual sex is abortion. Many women carry emotional scars after abortion.
  • Everywhere I go, I hear the same cry from women—young and old, rich and poor, married and single. “I’m lonely. I’m tired. I’m discouraged and depressed. My husband just doesn’t understand my needs. My mother isn’t there for me. Does anybody care? Will anybody help me, or even listen to me?”

The outcome is that women often lose their connections. Our Connections determine who we are.   Our ability to connect emotionally and spiritually determines the quality of our lives.

  • So loss of connection is caused by:
  • Emotional pain that can come from many causes but it is too difficult to face alone.
  • These causes may include but are not limited to: depression, codependency, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, relationship issues, abuse, trauma, grief and loss, and other situational stressors.

What are the symptoms of the loss of connections?

  • Diminished vitality, fatigue
  • Disempowerment
  • Confusion, lack of clarity
  • Diminished self-worth
  • Isolation (Turning away from relationships)

Women today are pushing themselves to a level of excellence that destroys:

  • Their creativity
  • Their spontaneity
  • Their connections

In pursuit of meaning, we take on roles that no longer work for us, we become exhausted and resentful and we disconnect as a means of survival.What do you mean by the “roles” we take on? 

It’s really about taking an unrealistic view of our identity and thereby guiding our actions, relationships, and life to fit into that identity.

  • Superwoman
  • Victim
  • Savior
  • Perfect wife and mother
  • Award winning successful career woman
  • I see many women trying to be super women pushing themselves to unrealistic expectations in what they can achieve
  • After a trauma we can assume a role of victim which can become our view of ourselves
  • Some of us try to be “different” than God created us to please another person.
  • Understand: The more fragile you are, the more rigid you become! You take a role and you hang on to it until you are locked into that role You are exhausted but don’t know how to move out of the role

So how do you break out of a destructive role?

  • There is a way out of unhealthy roles thru the power of connection
  • first to yourself,
  • finding out who you are
  • what are your needs?
  • what are your dreams

Your reality is:

  • your behaviors
  • your feelings
  • your thinking

Many of us have layers and layers of emotions and faulty thinking that are too complex to figure out on our own

  • A therapist can be very helpful, and in many cases, necessary to help us find our path forward.
  • After you start to reconnect with yourself, then reach out to others. The first step for most is to seek professional help to understand what has disconnected you from your sense of self. After you reconnect with yourself, you then reach out to others to connect or reconnect with them. 
  • Disconnection can affect our relationship with God because when we are locked in a rigid role it requires a lot of energy and self-focus to maintain. As we bring our life back into balance we can once again have the joy of a full connection to God.

What are the questions for women to ask themselves?

  • Have I shut down and lost connection to myself and others?
  • Am I locked in a “role” that no longer fits?
  • Do I need to change my thinking to change my live?
  • How do I do that?
  • If you have tried to make changes but have been unable to follow through and make those changes, you need additional help to commit to change, it is time to seek some professional help.

What happens when we begin to connect again?

  • Outcomes of Connection:
  • You feel a greater sense of “zest” (vitality, energy)
  • You feel more able to act and do act
  • You have a more accurate picture of yourself and the other person(s)
  • You feel a greater sense of worth
  • You feel more connected to the other person(s)
  • You have greater motivation for connections with other people beyond those in the specific relationship

Tell me about the programs you offer at Crossroads.

  • We offer intensive outpatient programs. We concentrate a small group therapy experience into an intensive format. We have a daily program that is 8 hrs long and is presented in a lecture, an experiential, and a group therapy schedule. So a 5 day program is 40 hrs of therapy over a 5 day period. A 4 day program is 32 hrs of therapy over a 4 day period.  Since most group therapy session are approximately 1 hour long, this 5 day format is the equivalent to many months of weekly group sessions.
  • Also working in a group with other women, is considered one of the fastest vehicles for self discovery as we relate to the experience of others in a safe and secure environment. 

Psychodrama is part of our treatment process. What is psychodrama?  Psychodrama is a:

  • holistic, strengths‐based method of psychotherapy
  • people are helped to enact and explore situations from their own life ‐ past, present and future.

The scenes enacted may be based on

  • specific events in a person’s life,
  • their current or past relationships,
  • unresolved situations,
  • desired roles or inner thoughts and conflicts.
  • The method is typically used in group settings, with group members taking on the various roles in the drama as needed.
  • Witnessing and participating in each others’ personal stories can generate feelings of deep understanding and trust amongst group members.

What kind of emotional issues does psychodrama help? 

  • Psychodrama allows for the safe expression of strong feelings and, for those who need it, the practice of containing emotions.
  • As participants move from ‘talking about’ into action, opportunities arise to heal the past, clarify the present and imagine the future.
  • Psychodrama can offer a wider perspective on individual and social problems and an opportunity to try out new behaviours.

Psychodrama can, for example:

  • help people to better understand themselves and their history,
  • resolve loss and trauma,
  • overcome fears,
  • improve their intimate and social relationships,
  • express and integrate blocked thoughts and emotions,
  • practice new skills or prepare for the future (aftercare plan)

Each psychodrama addresses the concerns of the person who is in focus. The range of issues may be wide. The person who shares their work is chosen sociometrically by the group, highlighting the group concern. Hence all members of the group also share in the work in a personal way.

Do therapists have to have special training to use psychodrama?

  • Yes, there is a certification process for clinicians who want to utilize this method to enhance their clients’ treatment.
  • Mary Bellofatto, a masters prepared therapist from Naples FL, is the psychodrama clinician at Crossroads. She is certified and a certified trainer of psychodrama for other clinicians. She is also a Certified Eating Disorders Specialist and she treats a wide range of emotional issues. She has been a clinician for over 35 years and brings an extensive wisdom and knowledge to her treatment process. We are thrilled to have Mary as one of our workshop facilitators at Crossroads Programs for Women. She is nationally recognized as an expert in her field.

What about the spiritual aspects of healing? How do you address those at Crossroads?

  • We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective. It is widely recognized that all healing has a spiritual dimension. Ours is defined so that women coming to our programs know the values and focus of our therapy.

What is life and recovery coaching?

  • Life coaching is a wonderful enhancement to the therapy process. A therapist will help you understand the behavioral blocks that are affecting you. Coaching is about helping you set goals, determining the steps to attaining them, and during the process.
  • Recovery coaching includes life coaching techniques but is also focused on sustaining recovery.
  • Who benefits from coaching? If a woman is going through a situation in life and needs support in setting her goals to obtain a desired outcome, then coaching may be the answer. Many of the issues we work on together include relationship problems, anxiety, codependency, loss, letting go, and life transitions.
  • In coaching we look at life balance and how to live a more satisfied life. What are your closing thoughts you would like share?

Does a person have to be in therapy to participate in your coaching programs?

  • No, it is available as a stand alone program for those who do not have more complex problems.  However, for those with more complex situations, it is a very helpful enhancement to their journey of healing.

What other things would you like people to know?

  • Life is complicated and women face many complex issues and difficult situations throughout their lives. Crossroads is dedicated to helping women who struggle with depression, codependency, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, relationship issues, grief and loss, and other situational stressors that interrupt and disrupt their lives.
  • Crossroads provides programs by prominent clinicians, chosen for their clinical expertise in well-defined treatment topics, offering focused and innovative care solutions.
  • Our programs are cost effective. We will check your insurance benefits. We also accept all major credit cards, accept checks, and have a payment plan through Paypal Credit that offers 0% interest on 6 months financing.

But most importantly I want women to know:

  • Our past doesn’t have to define our future. Our woundedness can be a foundation for our future strengths. At Crossroads with expert guidance and a supportive environment of women who share your struggles, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.
  • Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. There is hope. We can help you.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Belief Limiting Labels Influence Our Lives: How to Challenge Them

14 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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What do I mean by labels? They are simply descriptive terms used to describe us and usually have judgments associated with them. For example they can be ‘negative’ (I’m the Office Witch) or more ‘positive’ (I’m the Office Mom). A frequent one today is “I’m fat” whether it is true or not.

We may or may not agree with our labels and they can also be things we feel we’ve grown out of (I’m a typical teenager). And perhaps we think they’re true (I’m Very Reliable or I’m Forgetful). They can also be appearance related –“I’m a Blonde” which conjures up all the dumb blonde jokes. I have a brilliant psychologist friend who was raised in a very judgmental, critical home. He says that even today with all his successes if he opens the refrigerator and the catsup bottle falls out making a mess, he hears that voice from his childhood telling him he is dumb and clumsy.

In therapy our behaviors are “labeled” or diagnosed. Groups of behaviors have been given labels and are outlined in a Diagnostic Statistical Manual used by the behavioral health field. These labels are helpful in knowing how to treat a patient effectively. They are also necessary for insurance payment. It is important to remember that they may not be a lifelong label. If you and your therapist work together to reframe and change your thinking and subsequently change your behaviors on a long term basis, the diagnosis may no longer apply.

It is a complex, remarkable journey to the inner self: to the body, to the soul, to the spirit. In our pursuit of meaning, we often take on roles and define ourselves with labels that no longer work for us and we get exhausted, resentful, and disconnect as a means of survival. There is a way back and there is no substitute for professional therapy in that process.

In recovery and life coaching, challenging our limiting beliefs is a tool used to assist clients who are struggling in attaining or even setting their life goals. So, here is a simple limiting beliefs exercise using labels:

  1. List the labels you have been given in your life – aim for 10 and hopefully you will get at least 4 or 5 solid labels to work with.
  2. For each label, ask yourself if you see the label as positive or negative. Next ask yourself where you think the label came from – for example society (media, TV, books and magazines) and people (our parents, peers, and teachers). Be as specific as possible and name a specific person if you can.
  3. Then ask, “Do you agree with the label?” Explore what advantages and disadvantages each label has. How does the label HELP you and how does it HINDER or LIMIT you?
  4. You can give this exercise extra meaning by also asking yourself where you think your labels are getting in the way of achieving your goals.
  5. Ask yourself which labels you would like to keep and which you would like to ‘lose’? To do this, explore specific situations where the label comes up and make sure to ask yourself when and who you’re with when you behave like the label.
  6. Develop an action plan to overcome the negative label. Ask what could you do/how could you behave differently to make the label irrelevant or inappropriate?
LABEL ORIGIN AGREE/DISAGREE HELP/HINDER + or – Goals

This limiting beliefs exercise is a great way to raise awareness as well as stimulate and reframe your beliefs about yourself. It also has a broader societal impact because once you connect with how you feel about your labels you will have more empathy for others. Thoughtless words can impact us and the words we use can impact others negatively.
____________________

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Emotional Pain: Does It Have a Silver Lining?

21 Saturday Feb 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, therapy for women, women and relationships

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chinese symbol for crisisChange is inevitable in life and often causes pain. When we experience a crisis we can feel totally hopeless.   If we can learn to face our feelings, we can accept their legitimacy in our journey. When pain happens our natural tendency is to resist and deny the feelings. But are we really denying ourselves when we resist our feelings?

How can we break the cycle and avoid needless pain and suffering? We must allow ourselves to be aware of the feeling. Then we need to acknowledge the feeling. The final step is to accept the feeling. So the thoughts change from “I have lost that person/thing and I can’t go on” (resistance) to “I have lost that person/thing and I am sad.” The suffering lessens as we accept our sadness as a normal response to the loss. Then the process of healing can begin.

I have always found the metaphor of the Chinese symbol for crisis comforting. The symbol has two parts: the first stands for the circumstances (danger) and the second part symbolizes opportunity.

So what opportunities can come from our pain?

  • Pain allows others to be there for you. It is so easy to isolate yourself from the comfort of your friends, family and others who care about you. Not everyone will understand what you are going through but having the support of those who care about you is very comforting. Sometimes sharing a movie, having a pedicure together, or another “girls’ night out” activity is very helpful and doesn’t require an in-depth discussion or understanding of the issues you are facing.
  • Pain allows you to find your own identity. We have many roles in life: daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, and friend are just a few. Pain often happens when life circumstances change such as when the children leave home to begin their own lives and you are now tending an “empty nest”. The loss of a life partner from death or divorce are examples of a “lost” role. In these instances, you are forced to find your own identity. Identifying your core values and needs and finding your own identity is a big step on the journey of recovery and to finding happiness again.
  • Pain allows for major life change and the opportunity for understanding and putting closure on “old” pain, giving relief from repressed hurt and anger. It allows you to get spiritually connected or reconnected and to reassess your life’s goals and priorities.
  • Pain allows you to become grateful for simple things. I recommend keeping a Daily Gratitude Journal. It doesn’t have to be a fancy or expensive journal. A simple notebook will do. Start out by writing the date at the top of the page and by rating your day from -5 to +5 at first glance. Then begin to analyze your day closer. List 3 “successes” you had during the day. Then pat yourself on the back: what did you do today that required courage? What did you learn about yourself today? What actions, thoughts, steps did you take today on your journey of healing? Where do you need to be kinder to yourself and therefore happier and more productive? What did you do for yourself today (self-care)? And then finally list 3 things that you appreciate and are grateful for today. The last is essential you must list at least 3 things. As you reflect on your written thoughts, re-evaluate your day again from -5 to +5. Did your rating change as you reviewed your day with a more positive mindset? End by writing anything you noticed as you reflected on the day or something you want to do differently tomorrow.

We get stuck in our lives due to many factors: wounds of the past, conflicts of the present, and fears of the future. Professional counseling can help you identify and accept your own definition of normal. On your journey to happiness, you will learn to accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, live one day at a time, enjoy one moment at a time, and accept the world and other people as they are-not as you want them to be. With expert guidance you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Call 800-348-0937 or visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com for more information. All inquiries are confidential.

Three Year Olds Have a Lot to Teach Adults: The Power of Why Questions

06 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Being around a three year old teaches us—as adults—the power of questions.   Ever spent time with a child asking an unending barrage of “why” questions? How many times do adults in frustration say “because I said so—that’s why”? Yet out of the mouths of babes comes a technique that when implemented by an adult as a problem solving tool is a powerful exercise for understanding. In many situations the real problem and its solution are obscured by the apparent problem because we don’t go far enough to identify the actual problem.

The 5 Whys technique was originally developed by Sakichi Toyoda and later used by Toyota Motor Corporation during the evolution of their manufacturing methodologies. Essentially by repeating why five times, the nature of the problem as well as its solution becomes clearer. This process gets people involved using their brains and challenging the status quo.

The power of asking why five times can be implemented in our personal lives very usefully and is often used by life coaches with their clients. How would this work? First, state the problem as you understand it today: “I am feeling very tired and anxious today.”

  • Why are you tired and anxious?  I didn’t sleep well last night. I stayed up too late working on a project that had to be completed by this morning even though I knew that I needed to be rested and at work early today for an important meeting.
  • Why did you wait until the last night to work on the project?  I had intended to do it on Saturday but decided to go shopping and out to dinner instead so I had to finish it last night.
  • Why did you choose to go shopping and out to dinner rather than take care of the project as you planned?  I didn’t want to do the project at all really. I reluctantly offered to help a friend with it when she asked and I instantly regretted it.
  • Why did you offer to do it when you really didn’t want to?  I have a difficult time saying “no” even when I don’t want to do something. When I know how to do something that someone else needs, I feel guilty when I say “no”.
  • Why do you have difficulty saying “no” and meaning it? Everyone counts on me. I want them to like and admire me. I enjoy being viewed as a very capable person. I feel bad about myself when I don’t help out.

 

Can you see that the actual problem isn’t really the late night causing the lack of energy to meet her responsibilities which results in anxiety about the important meeting? The late night and project deadline are the apparent problems. The apparent solution would be not to wait until the last minute to work on a project. Although procrastination and time management are elements of this situation and may need further exploration, focusing on those issues would be working on the symptoms–not the actual problem. The actual problem here is client’s lack of boundaries (#3/4) and issues with codependency (#4/5).

A boundary is always about you. You are not demanding what anyone else must do. You are only setting your own limits on what you are willing to do or not do. Do you have trouble saying no and meaning it? Boundaries help you take control of your life. But many people don’t know where to start.

 

Codependency can cripple and sabotage your life. It involves manipulation, decision making and confrontation avoidance, over controlling, lack of trust, and perfectionism. Most codependents don’t recognize the dysfunction it brings to their lives.

Therapists work with patients to identify and understand the roots of these unhealthy behaviors, the consequences in their lives today from those behaviors, and teach them how to overcome them for healthier future relationships. In life coaching the focus is on the future goal(s) as determined by the client using tools of action plans and accountability. The 5 Why Questions help clarify the real challenges and enhance development of effective solutions to the real problem—not the symptoms.

______________________

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Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Thought for the Day: If You Can’t Change the Situation, Change Yourself!

20 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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The High Cost of Unresolved Issues

Successful Women in Unhealthy Relationships: Understanding the Recurring Patterns

01 Wednesday Oct 2014

Posted by in Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, therapy for women, Uncategorized

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I have observed over the years many wonderfully bright and successful women who are obviously mismatched with a life partner or significant other. For some this is not a single experience but rather a pattern of choosing partners who are needy and dysfunctional. Woman who are charming, well educated, and successfully employed who compromise their lives and futures by committing to a man that is obviously Mr. Wrong.

I write this article as the common denominator of two failed marriages and other unsuccessful significant relationships. I say this so you know that I am not judging or writing about material that I have not experienced. I have been on a twenty year journey of being compelled to understand the “why” of it all. Through understanding I hope to help other women understand too. I call myself the “common denominator” as a constant reminder that I was a free and willing participant—and sometimes the aggressive seeker—in these relationships. I will not excuse my actions by assuming the role of a victim. I also refuse to cast the men as the villains in the relationships. In reality we were dysfunctional people, trying to find happiness and making each other miserable.

I previously wrote an article about the destructive attraction between narcissists and codependents. It was cathartic for me in understanding one of my relationships. But what it didn’t explain was my pattern of unhappy relationships because certainly not every man I “loved” was a narcissist.

John Farrar, an author and counselor at Central Michigan University, says, “It appears to cross all age, ethnic, and socioeconomic lines. More descriptively, the pattern is one in which females of virtually any age, from teens to seniors, attach themselves to males who are significantly less capable, achieving or functional than they are.”   Mr. Farrar refers to it as a “recurring nightmare”. His published research comes from working with and surveying over 300 women.

“My investigation has led me to the identification of six causes, or ‘strands’ as I identify them, that lead to these relationship decisions,” Farrar says. “I refer to them as strands because there appear to be many ‘fibers’ that combine to produce the motivation embodied in that strand. In addition, often women have been able to point to more than one motivation, one strand that generated (their) relational choice.”

The first strand that he identified was poor self-esteem or poor self-concept which leads the woman to believe that she is getting all she deserves in her relationship even though friends and family may clearly see the obvious mismatch.

The second strand was nurturing which many anthropologists identify as caretaking and believe is biologically rooted in a woman’s nature. While men, through the millennia, have been hunter-gatherers, women tended to the nest and the offspring. It is a traditionally held view that, even in the age of the computer, feminism and the two-income household, women retain their biologically driven instincts to look after others.”

The third strand was excitement, which explains certain women being drawn to “bad boys.” So do nice guys finish last? To the women and girls in this strand, the answer is yes. These men are seen as more challenging and more exciting than more conventional good guys.

The fourth strand was the need to be nurtured which makes many women vulnerable to a “sugar daddy”. This man brings elements of status to the relationship, Farrar says, such as a nice car, extravagant trips or lavish spending.

The fifth strand is control. This is a common strand identified by more mature women, Farrar notes. “This strand is, in many ways, more complex and difficult to understand fully than many of the others,” he says. “Its origins may be the most difficult to trace and, in all likelihood, probably has its beginnings in many disparate areas. The female who is seeking control, either consciously or unconsciously, may be exhibiting learned behavior from a dominant mother.” In these relationships, he says, either underlying insecurity is guiding these women to needier males, or the women are simply acting out their commitment to a feminist view, which makes them determined not to be dominated by any man.

The sixth strand-chemistry-is the miscellaneous, “there’s just something about him — a certain je ne sais quoi,” catchall strand. “Chemistry addresses the inexplicable biological magnetism and is aimed at accounting for relationships which do not fit into any of the previous five (strands),” Farrar says. “It accounts for relationships between individuals for whom there are no obvious common interests or personality matches. It also explains why a woman is drawn to a male who, on a more rational, cognitive level, she concedes has seemingly little to offer in terms of physical appearance or social status.”

Although I admittedly don’t know how researchers judge the scientific basis of Mr. Farrar’s conclusions, as a woman with life experiences that qualify me to have an opinion, I think his identified “strands” make a lot of sense. I can relate! Can you?

So how can you change and start to make healthier decisions about relationships? After identifying the strands, Farrar took his research a step further and developed strategies to help women choose healthier relationships. Among his suggestions:

  • Recognize personal tendencies.
  • Recognize that sense of self determines direction.
  • Understand that personal beliefs and ideas are the basis of personal choices.
  • Learn the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
  • While biology is a powerful influence, understand that individuals ultimately retain the power to shape their choices.
  • Do the right thing. Come to grips with family background, values and cultural influences.

Therapy will be very helpful on your journey to finding happiness and fulfilling relationships. Therapy will help you identify your faulty thinking and understand the “whys”. Our thoughts affect not only our individual lives but also the totality of life around us. Where you put your energy in thought is important.  If your thoughts are based in negativity and limitations you create a very different life than if your thoughts are rooted in abundance and love. You have the ability to create a meaningful life by changing the way you think.

There is one more element that I would add as significant to a pattern of unhealthy relationships. It is my belief that casual sex or sex outside the bounds of a mature and committed relationship leads many women down a slippery slope. It is said that women have sex to get love and men say they love them to get sex. Said another way, sex represents commitment to most women while to most men it’s just sex…. My coaching for women who are dating is built on a foundation that abstaining from sexual activity is very helpful in realistically evaluating the long term potential of the relationship.

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Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women, has been in the mental health field since 1987. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women, where you can begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

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Crossroads Includes Hormone and Neurotransmitter Testing to Support Patients in Therapy

26 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by in Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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Our 5 day outpatient program-Reclaim Your Hope- and our 4 day outpatient program-Learning to Love Yourself- now include this testing free of charge to you to help detect the physiological issues complicating your emotional wellbeing. These tests will provide additional information that may be very helpful in your recovery. Therapy is directly supported when the biochemistry of the body is addressed.

What Are These Tests?

  • Two noninvasive, simple-to-take tests
  • They are based on samples of saliva and urine that are sent to a lab for analysis to test neurotransmitter and hormone levels.
  • Providing comprehensive, important information on how the systems of your body are working and how they affect your emotional well-being.
  • We have a special expert guest speaker during the program who will answer any questions you may have

Are you on anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication? You can take the lab results from these tests to your physician to see if another medication may be more helpful or you may choose a more natural, holistic path. That is your choice! The test results will also include specific nutritional recommendations to assist in the restoration and resetting of the nervous system.

An emotion is the psychophysiological response to the interactions between biochemical and environmental stimuli. Many expressed emotions have been shown to stimulate specific brain regions. It is directly and indirectly influenced by the immune system, chronic inflammation, and mental thoughts.  Mental and emotional therapies for behavioral modifications are directly supported when biochemistry is also addressed. Assessment of neurotransmitter levels can provide valuable information about the status of the nervous system and its interaction with other systems in the body.

How Can These Tests Help?

Depression: It is very common for women with depression to take antidepressant therapies recommended by their doctor.  Commonly prescribed medications for depression work by altering brain signaling via neurotransmitter modulation. Assessment of neurotransmitters involved in depression can be helpful in selecting the best class of medication, tracking the medication’s effects, and determining the success of the medication.

Anxiety: Anxiety disorders can vary greatly in severity and duration, and accordingly, a variety of treatment plans are available. Assessment of neurotransmitter levels can provide valuable information about the status of the nervous system and its interaction with other systems in the body. The immune system can be evaluated in a number of ways to identify the presence and cause of inflammation or other root causes of anxiety. Once the biochemical abnormalities contributing to anxiety are identified, a personalized treatment approach to depression can be undertaken.

Stress: The way in which you manage stress throughout your life can have a substantial impact on your health and wellbeing. Modern living has created unnatural stress that the body can no longer adapt to at a certain point. In individuals with trouble coping, this can potentially lead to issues such as inflammatory or immune problems, in addition to neurotransmitter imbalances. Looking in to the potential cause of stress is essential in resolving the associated symptoms. Making an effort to reduce the stressors commonly present in everyday life is important, as well as providing support to help your body better deal with stress. Laboratory evaluation of neurotransmitter levels can lead your healthcare practitioner to suggest targeted amino acid therapy customized to your test results as well as your symptoms.

Hormone issues can lead to a variety of clinical symptoms. Often these issues are addressed as only a hormone problem. It is also important to consider the possible involvement of nervous, endocrine, and immune systems. The nervous system is the central regulator of the endocrine system. The immune system can override both. Evaluation of all three of these systems is needed in order to arrive at the correct diagnosis and treatment plan. Hormones and neurotransmitters can become imbalanced due to stressors on the body such as chronic inflammation, immune issues, anxiety, or depression.

What Do These Tests Cost?

These tests are expensive and only partially covered by most insurance plans.  At Crossroads we are women helping women. We know from personal experience the physical changes in our bodies throughout our lives. We understand that emotions are complex and believe that finding the right solutions based on a body, mind and spirit approach is an important component of healing. It is for this reason that this testing and education is being added to our program WITHOUT ANY ADDITIONAL COST TO YOU!

We limit the size of our groups in order to provide the most intensive therapeutic experience in a condensed format! Now these expensive tests as part of our treatment protocol in order to provide the best possible quality of care we can provide. Don’t miss out on this opportunity!

There is Still Time to Register for Our Upcoming October Program
Learning to Love Yourself – October 24-27, 2014

Questions?  Call 800-348-0937 or email me! bresourceful@earthlink.net
More information also at www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

Understanding the Link Between Compulsive Behaviors and Attachment

11 Tuesday Mar 2014

Posted by in Depression, Eating Disorders, therapy for women

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Addictions and other compulsive behaviors are commonly referred to as “pleasure seeking activities”.  Some other self sabotaging, compulsive behaviors beyond the obvious drugs or alcohol include eating disorders, compulsive spending, gambling, promiscuity, and unhealthy relationships to name a few. Yet during treatment many suffering the consequences of destructive compulsive behaviors often relate that it has been a long time since they derived pleasure from it.  So if they no longer get a “high” from the behavior, why does the drive to use it grow stronger?

The attachment theory was developed through the study of mothers and infants, but scientists quickly realized that attachments play a crucial emotional role throughout our lives.

Looking more closely at human attachment, we are able to understand that compulsive behaviors may provide security rather than pleasure.  For example, when two people meet and form a romantic relationship, the initial romance is typically very exciting and pleasurable.  Many people who are falling in love seem intoxicated by their new love relationship.  But as familiarity grows, reality sneaks into the picture and imperfections and mismatches become apparent which have been ignored during the “blind love” phase.  These perceptions can lead to a breakup.  Usually, the shorter the relationship, the shorter the process of grieving the loss.

Couples who survive the doubting phase gradually transform their relationship from romantic intensity to more comforting pleasures, ie familiarity, security, and shared identity.  Most people prefer the less intense pleasures of a committed relationship to the excitement and pleasure of falling in love over and over again (relationship addiction and sexual addiction).  Although couples often miss the romantic intensity, the change is a natural biological and psychological process.  Attraction may bring people together, but lasting attachment is the result of familiarity, identity, and security which makes the idea of separation more devastating in a long-term committed relationship.  Romance provides excitement but attachments provide security which is far more valuable to us than any romance.  The loss of an attachment can cause a debilitating sense of loss and grief.

Relationships are only one example of the attachment process.  From a psychological standpoint, great importance has been given to the parent/child attachment as an indicator of the child’s emotional welfare in adulthood.  It can also apply to one’s chosen profession and can explain the feeling of  grief from a job loss, transition to a new career, or even retirement.  Attachments take many forms but most have the same characteristic process.  When they end in commitment, a new normal is established which is a fixed part of a person’s life.

Addiction comes from the Latin word for “attachment” and, psychologically, it follows the pattern of normal human attachment. During the early stages, addictive behaviors are intensely pleasurable. However, there are negative side effects from the very beginning—hangovers and other side effects of drug and alcohol abuse, physical complications of an eating disorder, financial setbacks from gambling, and the emotional distresses of unhealthy relationships. Many people end potentially addictive attachments due to these early warning signs and negative consequences. But in persons who develop addictions, their physical and cognitive resistance is not strong enough to overcome the relief or pleasure associated with the attachment or the complicated grief associated with its loss. As unhappy and miserable as they feel with their addictive behaviors, the unknowns of life without them as a coping mechanism is more terrifying.

For an outsider, it is obvious that addictive attachments are destructive.  Rather than providing security and survival, they cause pain, insecurity and destruction.  However in the brain they are coded through the same pathways that form our healthy attachments.  Recovery is a lengthy and complicated grief process.  How long does it take?  It can take years.  Treatment offers a safe place to begin the journey to recovery.  Continuing treatment and support groups offer encouragement and support along the way.  Recovery can be messy and  looks like any complicated grief process which forces the acceptance of a new reality.  It is often a bumpy path with many obstacles.  But for those that persevere, it results in freedom.

Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin.  Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you.  Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Reference:  Neil Presnall, Addiction and Recovery, February 2014

Proud of Your Teen’s Weight Loss: Could You Be Missing Something Important?

15 Sunday Sep 2013

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Weight Loss in Teens

Weight Loss in Teens

Obese teenagers who lose weight are at risk of developing eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa, Mayo Clinic researchers imply in a recent Pediatrics article. Eating disorders among these patients are also not being adequately detected because the weight loss is seen as positive by providers and family members. It often starts a view of self that I can relate to all too well.

As a young child, I was very frail and remember being urged to eat and being given daily malt tablets to help me gain weight. However, at about 9 years old, something happened and I started to gain weight and turned into a chubby girl which continued until I was about 15 years old when I lost weight although I wasn’t dieting. My next weight gain was with my first pregnancy. I never really lost the baby weight afterwards and it wasn’t until I was about 28 when I lost weight (Weight Watchers) and maintained the loss until I went into early stages of menopause. During that period in my early thirty’s, I was often low enough weight that my menses ceased. Since menopause I have struggled with gaining and losing the same weight over and over. As someone who has struggled with my weight fluctuations since I was pre-pubescent, I can give a comprehensive witness to the positive, unsolicited, and ego stroking comments made when I have lost weight. With this pattern, I soon adapted an attitude that I am OK when I lose weight but become invisible and “NOT OK” when I gain weight. Our culture’s peer pressure is aggressively pervasive. It has taken me years (and therapy) to come to peace with who I am.

“At least 6 percent of adolescents suffer from eating disorders, and more than 55 percent of high school females and 30 percent of males report disordered eating symptoms including engaging in one or more maladaptive behaviors (fasting, diet pills, vomiting, laxatives, binge eating) to induce weight loss.

Eating disorders are associated with high relapse rates and significant impairment to daily life, along with a host of medical side effects that can be life-threatening,” says Dr. Sim, a Mayo Clinic Researcher.

“Although not widely known, individuals with a weight history in the overweight (BMI-for-age greater than or equal to the 85th percentile but less than the 95th percentile, as defined by CDC growth chart) or obese (BMI-for-age greater than or equal to the 95th percentile, as defined by the CDC growth chart) range, represent a substantial portion of adolescents presenting for eating disorder treatment,” says Dr. Sim.

“Given research that suggests early intervention promotes best chance of recovery, it is imperative that these children and adolescents’ eating disorder symptoms are identified and intervention is offered before the disease progresses,” says Dr. Sim.

This report analyzes two examples of eating disorders that developed in the process of obese adolescents’ efforts to reduce their weight. Both cases illustrate specific challenges in the identification of eating disorder behaviors in adolescents with this weight history and the corresponding delay such teenagers experience accessing appropriate treatment.
The article is published online September 9 in the journal Pediatrics. Dr. Sim’s co-authors include Mayo Clinic researchers Jocelyn Lebow, Ph.D., and Marcie Billings, M.D.

Signs and symptoms of Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating

These behaviors and emotional symptoms suggest anorexia nervosa:
Loss of a significant amount of weight.
Continuing to diet and “feeling fat” even after reaching a goal weight, or becoming visibly thin.
Irrational fear of gaining weight.
Obsession with food, calories, fat content and nutrition.
Weighing oneself once a day or more.
Refusal to discuss a diet with others.
Cooking for others but not eating.
Compulsive exercising.
Lying about eating.
Hyperactivity.
Depression and anxiety.
Eating large amounts of food and getting rid of it by throwing up, fasting, taking laxatives or exercising excessively. This is called bingeing and purging.

Physical symptoms of anorexia:
Hair loss.
Loss of monthly menstrual period.
Cold hands and feet.
Weakness and exhaustion.
Constipation.
Growth of body hair on arms, legs and other body parts.
Heart tremors.
Dry, brittle skin.
Shortness of breath.

Behaviors and emotional symptoms of bulimia:
Binge eating, or eating uncontrollably and/or secretively.
Purging by dieting, fasting, exercise, vomiting or using laxatives or diuretics.
Using the bathroom frequently after meals.
Obsession with weight.
Depression.
Mood swings.
Feelings of being out of control.

Other symptoms:
Swollen glands in the neck and face.
Heartburn.
Bloating.
Irregular periods.
Dental problems.
Constipation.
Indigestion.
Sore throat.
Vomiting blood.
Weakness and exhaustion.
Bloodshot eyes.

Behaviors and symptoms of binge eating:
Binge eating episodes.
Eating when not hungry.
Frequent dieting.
Uncontrollable eating.
Awareness that eating patterns aren’t normal.
Feelings of shame, depression or antisocial behavior.
Obesity.
Weight fluctuations.

If you detect any of these behaviors in your teenager, yourself, or a friend, it is imperative that you seek medical help. These disorders are not fads; they are killers.