Tag Archives: Cognitive behavioral therapy

Buttercups and Porcupine Quills: Women, Anger, and Aggression

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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I addressed what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day in my previous blog and how our gender socialization impacts how we view and express anger as women. (In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.)

Many of the long term consequences of anger are negative. Yet, anger is part of our biological makeup for both genders. It is part of the fight-or-flight reaction. It had survival value in the past and it has some positives in the present including but not limited to the following:

  1. It can be an appropriate response to injustice (anger may have played a role in social movements that led to equality for women, the elderly, blacks, the disabled, protection of helpless animals, Mothers Against Drunk Driving to name a few)
  2. It is an alerting function that may help us become aware of situations in our life that we need to address directly which may lead to problem solving
  3. It may present an increased motivation to right the wrongs we see in the world as well as in our individual lives

Verbal expressions of anger may include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm. Anger can also be expressed physically by raising a clenched fist, throwing a book on the floor, breaking a pencil or hitting a wall.

Anger crosses the line when it becomes aggression. Aggression has a determined intention to harm another person. Often, it reflects a desire for dominance and control. Weapons are often involved. Aggression can be shown by punching, shoving, hitting or even maiming another person, and it can occur in marital violence, child or elder abuse, bullying, or gang and criminal activities. Research shows that 90% of the time, it is acts of aggression arising from anger that wind up in the criminal justice system. But only 10 percent of anger experiences are actually followed by aggression. People often want to act aggressively when angry but most do not actually take aggressive actions. This is not to say that anger may not have negative and long lasting effects on a marriage or other significant relationships.

Facts about anger:

  • Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives.
  • When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed
  • In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution.
  • Taking a breather using simple tools, such as relaxation techniques and visual imagery, can help soothe angry feelings and may be a good first step before talking to person with whom you are angry.

When is more intensive professional help necessary? There is cause for alarm if:

  • your anger is moderate to intense
  • experienced frequently
  • endures to the point where you are holding a grudge
  • you have plans for revenge and getting even
  • is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions

When you experience anger as outlined above, you are likely at risk for the negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression. There can be a very high cost to anger. The good news is that mental health professionals can help you understand the triggers for your anger and help you develop strategies to control your anger and improve your life. _____________________

The relaxation techniques used to reduce stress can be very helpful in coping with anger and expressing it appropriately. Crossroads Programs for Women offers on demand video psycho-educational lectures which include resource materials and exercises for relaxation. Check them out here: https://crossroadsprogramsforwomenvide.pivotshare.com/

If you believe your anger has become aggression, please call Crossroads for information on how our programs can help. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

Three Year Olds Have a Lot to Teach Adults: The Power of Why Questions

06 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Being around a three year old teaches us—as adults—the power of questions.   Ever spent time with a child asking an unending barrage of “why” questions? How many times do adults in frustration say “because I said so—that’s why”? Yet out of the mouths of babes comes a technique that when implemented by an adult as a problem solving tool is a powerful exercise for understanding. In many situations the real problem and its solution are obscured by the apparent problem because we don’t go far enough to identify the actual problem.

The 5 Whys technique was originally developed by Sakichi Toyoda and later used by Toyota Motor Corporation during the evolution of their manufacturing methodologies. Essentially by repeating why five times, the nature of the problem as well as its solution becomes clearer. This process gets people involved using their brains and challenging the status quo.

The power of asking why five times can be implemented in our personal lives very usefully and is often used by life coaches with their clients. How would this work? First, state the problem as you understand it today: “I am feeling very tired and anxious today.”

  • Why are you tired and anxious?  I didn’t sleep well last night. I stayed up too late working on a project that had to be completed by this morning even though I knew that I needed to be rested and at work early today for an important meeting.
  • Why did you wait until the last night to work on the project?  I had intended to do it on Saturday but decided to go shopping and out to dinner instead so I had to finish it last night.
  • Why did you choose to go shopping and out to dinner rather than take care of the project as you planned?  I didn’t want to do the project at all really. I reluctantly offered to help a friend with it when she asked and I instantly regretted it.
  • Why did you offer to do it when you really didn’t want to?  I have a difficult time saying “no” even when I don’t want to do something. When I know how to do something that someone else needs, I feel guilty when I say “no”.
  • Why do you have difficulty saying “no” and meaning it? Everyone counts on me. I want them to like and admire me. I enjoy being viewed as a very capable person. I feel bad about myself when I don’t help out.

 

Can you see that the actual problem isn’t really the late night causing the lack of energy to meet her responsibilities which results in anxiety about the important meeting? The late night and project deadline are the apparent problems. The apparent solution would be not to wait until the last minute to work on a project. Although procrastination and time management are elements of this situation and may need further exploration, focusing on those issues would be working on the symptoms–not the actual problem. The actual problem here is client’s lack of boundaries (#3/4) and issues with codependency (#4/5).

A boundary is always about you. You are not demanding what anyone else must do. You are only setting your own limits on what you are willing to do or not do. Do you have trouble saying no and meaning it? Boundaries help you take control of your life. But many people don’t know where to start.

 

Codependency can cripple and sabotage your life. It involves manipulation, decision making and confrontation avoidance, over controlling, lack of trust, and perfectionism. Most codependents don’t recognize the dysfunction it brings to their lives.

Therapists work with patients to identify and understand the roots of these unhealthy behaviors, the consequences in their lives today from those behaviors, and teach them how to overcome them for healthier future relationships. In life coaching the focus is on the future goal(s) as determined by the client using tools of action plans and accountability. The 5 Why Questions help clarify the real challenges and enhance development of effective solutions to the real problem—not the symptoms.

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Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Is depression more prevalent in women or more diagnosed in women than men?

29 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by in Depression

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Be sure and respond to the poll at the end of this post!

It is often thought that women are more prone to depression than men.  Figures for the lifetime prevalence of depression vary according to the criteria used to define depression. Using DSM-IV’s criteria for ‘major depressive disorder’ which are similar to the ICD-10 criteria for ‘moderate depression’, the lifetime prevalence of depression is about 15 percent and the point prevalence about 5 percent. This means that an average person has about a one in seven (15 percent) chance of developing depression in the course of his or her lifetime, and about a 1 in 20 (5 percent) chance of suffering from it at this very point in time.[1]

But this may be misleading because it is not gender specific.  Women are twice as likely as men to suffer from depression.  The reasons are not entirely clear but it appears that the answer is biological, psychological, and sociocultural.  Women have higher incidence of fluctuating hormone levels.  Most obvious is postpartum depression and during menopause.  Biologically, we have a greater genetic predisposition to depression.

Women are more likely to think (or overthink?) about problems—which is a strength and a weakness.  We are also by our God-given nature more invested in relationships.  The affect on women of relationship problems often leads to depression.  Men are more apt to react to relationship problems with anger, substance misuse, or with a stoic tolerance that we, as women, see as indifference.

Sustained or chronic stress leads to elevated hormones such as cortisol, the “stress hormone,” and reduced serotonin and other neurotransmitters  in the brain, including dopamine,  which has been linked to depression.

From a cultural standpoint, women often have stress due to multiple responsibilities of working, bringing up children, maintaining a home, caring for older relatives, and the list goes on.  Added to that is that women live longer than men.  The loss of their support system of partners and friends through death and the resulting loneliness combined with declining physical conditions can lead to depression.  A woman is more apt to talk to her physician about her feelings and be diagnosed more frequently with depression.  Which leads us to wondering wether it is more prevalent in women or more diagnosed in women than men?

Regardless of the answer depression results in many women feeling hopeless and helpless.  A research study (Ages and Stages) by the University of California Los Angeles says that younger women depend on friends when depressed but women going through menopause and older rely on medication.  Young women think they can just ‘get over’ depression with the aid of friends and family. This is when the first episode of major depression is most likely – maybe after childbirth or a failed relationship. When women are in their 40’s and 50’s, depression may be assumed to be part of menopause and consequently the condition may go unrecognized. However life changes (children leaving home, divorce and aging parents) may be the actual triggers for depression than menopause.

In their sixties women tend to keep depression to themselves. In this survey, fewer than one in five confided in others. If they are dealing with the loss of a spouse, this can intensify their feeling of isolation. The take-home message of the survey is that younger women should realize that depression is a real illness that may need medical treatment. The older woman should recognize the importance of social support, as well as medication, in treating depression.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—which focuses on changing behavior, rather than talking about your childhood, for instance—can be effective with medication or even a substitute for drugs. It is much more focused on what you seem to be doing and thinking that is keeping you depressed.

Hopelessness and helplessness are feelings that overcome us when we are depressed.  Hope is a crucial ingredient in all healing—physical and emotional.  So depression can become very debilitating for this reason.  Ask most women who have experienced depression and they will relate that they just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over their heads!

Hopelessness robs us of the joy of each day and from fully embracing all that life has to offer.  There is help and tomorrow does not have to be like today but things won’t change until the depressed person reaches out for help.

 

[1] Psychology Today