• About

Encouragé

~ Crossroads Programs for Women Blog

Encouragé

Tag Archives: relationship issues

Dancing in a Minefield

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in Anxiety, Codependence, parenting teens, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, #therapyforwomen, anger, codependency, relationship issues, stress

Guest Blogger:  Lynne Oliver, LCSW Crossroads Programs for Women

I read somewhere that there is a delicate dance between parents and their emerging teens. Goody, goody gumdrops for that writer! My husband and I raised eight of them and our “delicate dance: was more like dancing in a minefield. We certainly were not “Dancing with the Stars” in our home. We were in a minefield and there were bombs exploding all around us. Sometimes we were throwing grenades as well. Although we were dancing as fast as we could, we were often running on empty.

For me, the first order of business was to clean up my own habits. Many of us have suitcases of guilt, bulging with unfinished business and rotten behaviors. For some reason we carry them around and even unpack them at times. How goofy is that? We sure can’t navigate through a minefield hauling that big bag of clunky junk around.

So what can we do?

Well, I live in Realville, so I chose to put my super hero cape away and join the race- the human race- and develop some survival skills. I also had to accept that I will never do the right thing all the time, but I will show up and love my child wherever they are at that moment. There is no magic formula and there is only one way out – through the minefield. . Parents need to redeem the time with their teens because life has no pause button. “Despite some adults’ negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what’s fair and right. So although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help them grow into the distinct individuals they will become.” (unknown)

Anger is normal and universal. It is at epic proportions in our country. Parents must confront it wisely and carefully. We don’t want our child’s anger to detonate, wounding her and others. We don’t want it delayed so that it strikes in the form of many explosions later and perhaps damages the child permanently. Instead we want to defuse the anger as it comes along carefully and gently. Growth is a process. Immature people express anger unpleasantly. (We need to make sure we aren’t the immature ones.)

Because we love our child, we want him to become a young adult of maturity, confidence and integrity. We are willing to pay whatever price is necessary to attain that goal. We may not be able to control the outside world, but we can change the inside world of your home. We must be intentional in creating an oasis at home where anyone is welcome anytime.

We all have a heritage and we all pass down a legacy to our children. We want to pass down a positive spiritual, emotional and social legacy. Separately, each strand of this cord cannot hold much weight, but when wrapped together they are strong. Parents need to evaluate what we are doing now that either contributes to or detracts from building that legacy. If I want my children to remember me as a constant safe place in their lives, I must make the conscious choice to be a safe place for them on a daily basis. If I’m too busy to calm their Big Feelings or listen to their hopes and dreams, then I am too busy.

At the root of much teenage misbehavior is an empty love tank. Parents need to keep their teens’ emotional tanks filled. Love is our greatest ally. If parents are running on empty, they need to fill their tanks first. For me that means doing some things that bring me joy and contentment .Everyone has her own pockets of joy. Often, the best place to start is with breathing. Breathe in, breathe out, and breathe often. If you have a teen, you appreciate what I am saying. If not, let me try to help you understand. 1) Your beautiful talented daughter nervously stands in the kitchen with tears in her eyes. When you ask her what is wrong, she announces she is pregnant. Breathe. 2) The high school principal phones and tells you that your son has been arrested for illegal drugs. Breathe.

Laugh. Try to find something to laugh about. Laughter is free and, like breathing, anyone can do it. You don’t need any special equipment and you can even do it sitting down. I don’t suggest laughing hysterically in the Walmart parking lot to fill your tank. This could make people parked near you a bit nervous. (Don’t ask how I know, but I know) Pick your time and place.

Our family values are the compass that guides our teens. They are yearning for boundaries and good directions. Unconditional love gives the teen a soft place to land when she falls. When we love one another, we find hope. I don’t have a magic wand, but I have learned that communicating unconditional love to our teens is a fine place to start. An acronym for Love is “Living our values everyday”.

My journey has taught me that some things just don’t matter. Blue hair, messy room, loud music- a few of the “don’t matters”. Pick your battles wisely. Finally, remember the Parent of Teen motto, “We’re going through this together, and we’ll come out of it- together.”

Lynne Oliver, MSW, LCSW,  describes herself as a not so perfect (NSP) Mother  to 8 NSP kids. She is a NSP Grandma to 17 NSP grands and wife to one very patient NSP man. She says, “My children have taken me on journeys where I did not want to go and down roads I did not want to travel. Along the way I have learned a few things and I am living proof that perfection is overrated.”  She currently works as a medical social worker for Methodist Hospital and is a workshop facilitator at Crossroads Programs for Women.

April 2016 Programs for Moms and Daughters:

Putting the Sparkle Back in Your Daughter’s Crown:
ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAM FOR  TEEN GIRLS

Do any of these behaviors sound like your daughter?

  • Angry, irritable
  • Quick Temper
  • Easily annoyed, resentful
  • Defiant, Argumentative
  • Blames others for their mistakes

Outpatient Anger Management Groups Starts April 6th:

  • Six week program
  • Wednesday evenings beginning April 6, 2016
  • 7-8:30 pm
  • Girls ages 13 – 18 years old
  • Insurance accepted
  • $399
  • Call today! Group size is limited.
  • All calls are confidential
411:  Help for Mothers of Teens and Young Women 
This program is available in a four week coaching format. Scheduling is flexible to accommodate your schedule.  Sessions are 2.5 hours each.
Facilitator:  Bonnie Harken NCLC
Program Description:
Helping troubled kids or supporting young adults who are struggling is not for the faint hearted!  It is often a time when you feel alone and confused.  This coaching program is designed to offer support as you feel overwhelmed, disappointed, and isolated.  Helping your child and trying to keep up with your other responsibilities can be exhausting. It can also cause conflict in your relationships with others.  Learn how to restore balance to your life as you go through this challenging time!
Email or call for more information!
 
 
Call today.  No obligation.  All calls are confidential. Or email us here

                                  1-800-348-0937

What is life coaching?  Watch this video:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this:

  • Share
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • LinkedIn

Like this:

Like Loading...

How to Have More Satisfying Relationships: Examine Your Expectations

18 Monday Jan 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#depression, #relationship problems, #therapyforwomen, relationship issues, stress

bigstock-painted-red-heart-in-the-palms-27807170What is the difference between expectations, needs, and desires? Expectations are hopes and beliefs that are focused on the future and may or may not be realistic. A need is something that is necessary for healthy relating and living. Do you know what is essential for you to have a healthy relationship (i.e. fidelity, kindness, lack of drug or alcohol addiction, etc.)? What are your deal breakers or non-negotiables? A desire is a preference about something you would like to have or receive.

If you are continuously disappointed by the people in your life, perhaps you are doing them a disservice by expecting what they cannot deliver. Unrealistic expectations can lead to anger, frustration and resentment. By rethinking your attitude toward others, you can be happier in your relationships and life.

  1. Why adjust your expectations? One reason to take unrealistic expectations seriously is that studies have shown that people who harbor these expectations are prone to anxiety, depression and unhappiness. Being more realistic may improve your contentment and emotional health.
  2. The habit of expecting too much from people often comes from childhood. Many of us think in terms of perfection when we are younger, but as adults we learn the perfect man, the perfect child, the perfect friend, the perfect job and the perfect body are impossible goals. Did you learn this habit when you were young? If so, try to give others approval, compliments and reassurance in place of expectations.
  3. Make a list of those who often disappoint you.  By acknowledging these disappointing feelings, you may see a pattern of people at work or home. (One caution here: if there is one area of your life where there are complex problems, you may not be able to have realistic expectations until other issues are resolved.)
  4. Understand expectations and dependence. We are often harder on the people who are close to us. When we depend upon someone, there are more personal consequences when they don’t come through. If your list is filled with people that you are close to, perhaps you rely too heavily on them. Not everyone has the same skill set. Reassess whether they have unreasonable responsibilities placed upon them.
  5. Make a list of the “good” qualities of the people you love. Perhaps a positive trait is connected to a negative trait that you did not see at the beginning of your relationship. (An honest person may wear their heart on their sleeve. An extrovert may be very opinionated. It is the old adage of a two edged sword!) It is easier to get a realistic view of someone’s personality than try to change a trait so that it is ideal in your eyes.
  6. Are you too focused on yourself? The psychotherapist Albert Ellis once said, “Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to. It may be preferable, but not necessary.” You might consider engaging in a sympathy or empathy-building activity. Attend a support group, volunteer at a shelter, help out at a hospital or any other activity where you are in a supporting role rather than an organizing role that gives you a chance to view real people and help them.
  7. Television and movies are not real life models! Hollywood depicts an unrealistic view of the world. Replace the “storybook ending” with time with people you love or choose options that depict people with both strengths and weaknesses. Caution: TV reality shows are not reality!
  8. What about self-help books? These books can be helpful for creating goals and positive thoughts but those goals can also be unrealistic. Take into account that those you interact with are often cycling through highs and lows and may not be their “best self” all the time.
  9. Don’t expect others to read your mind! Never expect someone to know how you’re feeling if you haven’t told them. Many times we expect people to understand how we feel just by looking or talking to us. People’s emotional mindsets may be entirely different, so they should not be held accountable for something they were unaware of.
  10. Consider realistic expectations a valuable skill set. As soon as you are able to redefine your expectations for people, you can use those skills in other areas of your life.

Unrealistic expectations can deprive you of a full, interesting, and satisfying life. They can form a set of limiting beliefs that get in the way of making meaningful changes. The good news is that you can reframe your expectations and have more satisfying relationships.

__________________ Sources available upon request.

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum in four and five day intensive outpatient formats.   We also offer group and individual life coaching. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Share this:

  • Share
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • LinkedIn

Like this:

Like Loading...

It Takes Courage to Change…

03 Sunday Jan 2016

Posted by crossroads420 in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, recovery tools, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#a happy 2016, #how do I change, #how to be happy, #responding to emotional crisis, anxiety, compulsive behaviors, panic attacks, relationship issues

Pursuit of Happiness: Transform Your Negative Thoughts and Feelings

bigstock-Beautiful-Young-Woman-Outdoors-45653104Positive psychology addresses important questions about how we lead our lives, find happiness, experience satisfaction, and deal with life’s challenges. Over the past decade researchers and practitioners from around the world have studied happiness and wellbeing. As a result a variety of techniques and practices have evolved that offer more than simply some relief from depression, anxiety, and stress. These are proven ways to be more positive and joyful in life with long-term and significant benefits.

We have a choice at every moment; we don’t have a choice about what happens but we do have a choice about what we are going to do about it. Depressive thoughts are magnets for other depressive thoughts. It takes 3 positive feelings to overcome a negative thought. So how do we begin to transform our negative thoughts into positive thoughts and feelings?

Gratitude has the power to walk time. Yesterday was yesterday. Our memory is an image that comes from the original so when we look at it and highlight the good it changes the memory. It doesn’t distort it but rather it highlights it.

How do we begin to look at every day with a sense of gratitude? Try ending each day by writing a few lines of gratitude. Here are some ideas to help you get started. What things did you have success in or made progress with today? What did you do that was a positive choice consistent with who you want to become? What did you learn about yourself today? What did actions did you do that take you closer to your goals? What about things to be grateful for and what did you do for self-care?

Daniel Kahneman is a Nobel Prize winning psychologist studying how people chose to be happy. He has proposed that humans have two versions of themselves: the experiential self and the remembering self. Though our remembering selves tend to dominate, there can be great benefits in nurturing our experiential self, for recognizing and appreciating the many moments that make up a day. By Kahneman’s calculation, a moment is about 3 seconds. Given that our lives are nothing more than a string of moments coming one after another, the average person has about 20,000 moments in the course of a day. Think back on your day yesterday. How many of your 20,000 moments do you remember? Odds are, it’s not very many. We tend to rush through our lives without thinking.

An “attitude of gratitude” may be a cliché that some automatically disregard, but I have watched clients keep a gratitude journal for 30 days and witnessed the difference it makes in how they frame their thinking.   Positive psychology teaches that there are three magic bullets for depression: gratitude, meditation, and exercise.   For severe depression these are valuable enhancements to traditional therapy and medication. I would be happy to send you a template for a Gratitude Journal, just email your request to me at bresourceful@earthlink.net.  The first few days it may be difficult to answer all the questions in the Gratitude Journal Plan but with each passing day it gets easier as you begin to replace your negative thoughts with thoughts of gratitude. After all, 20,000 moments each day equals 20,000 opportunities!

__________________

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO, of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.  All calls are confidential and there is no obligation.

 

 

 

Share this:

  • Share
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • LinkedIn

Like this:

Like Loading...

Now is the time to Make 2015 Your Best Year Ever!

03 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#panic attacks #anxiety #compulsive behaviors #depression #relationship problems #eating disorders, addictive behaviors, anxiety, codependency, depression, eating disorders, relationship issues, stress

Make 2015 Your Masterpiece

We have a program this weekend!  Our schedule for November and December here:
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/Workshop%20Schedule.htm
Special pricing during the holidays. Celebrate the New Year with knowledge on how to change your life!  Call us at 800-348-0937 or use the contact form below!

Share this:

  • Share
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • LinkedIn

Like this:

Like Loading...

Video

Wells of Change Outpatient Program at Crossroads

10 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

addictive behaviors, anxiety, codependency, depression, panic, relationship issues, treatment for women

Wells of Change 4 day Intensive Outpatient Program for Women
Excerpts from a conversation with Kellie Branch-Dircks, LCSW, and Lynne Oliver, LCSW, about this life changing intensive outpatient program for women.
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com
800-348-0937

Share this:

  • Share
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • LinkedIn

Like this:

Like Loading...

Video

The Importance of Connections

10 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by crossroads420 in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

addictive behaviors, codependency, depression, eating disorders, relationship issues, therapy for women

This video blog explains the role connections play in a healthy life. What happens when we become disconnected when a woman struggles with depression, codependency, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, relationship issues, grief and loss.
Crossroads Programs for Women
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com
800-348-0937

Share this:

  • Share
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • LinkedIn

Like this:

Like Loading...

Is depression more prevalent in women or more diagnosed in women than men?

29 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by crossroads420 in Depression

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

addictive behaviors, and other situational stressors, Cognitive behavioral therapy, depression, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, eating disorders, grief and loss, Hope, ICD-10, Major depressive disorder, Menopause, Prevalence, relationship issues, University of California Los Angeles

Be sure and respond to the poll at the end of this post!

It is often thought that women are more prone to depression than men.  Figures for the lifetime prevalence of depression vary according to the criteria used to define depression. Using DSM-IV’s criteria for ‘major depressive disorder’ which are similar to the ICD-10 criteria for ‘moderate depression’, the lifetime prevalence of depression is about 15 percent and the point prevalence about 5 percent. This means that an average person has about a one in seven (15 percent) chance of developing depression in the course of his or her lifetime, and about a 1 in 20 (5 percent) chance of suffering from it at this very point in time.[1]

But this may be misleading because it is not gender specific.  Women are twice as likely as men to suffer from depression.  The reasons are not entirely clear but it appears that the answer is biological, psychological, and sociocultural.  Women have higher incidence of fluctuating hormone levels.  Most obvious is postpartum depression and during menopause.  Biologically, we have a greater genetic predisposition to depression.

Women are more likely to think (or overthink?) about problems—which is a strength and a weakness.  We are also by our God-given nature more invested in relationships.  The affect on women of relationship problems often leads to depression.  Men are more apt to react to relationship problems with anger, substance misuse, or with a stoic tolerance that we, as women, see as indifference.

Sustained or chronic stress leads to elevated hormones such as cortisol, the “stress hormone,” and reduced serotonin and other neurotransmitters  in the brain, including dopamine,  which has been linked to depression.

From a cultural standpoint, women often have stress due to multiple responsibilities of working, bringing up children, maintaining a home, caring for older relatives, and the list goes on.  Added to that is that women live longer than men.  The loss of their support system of partners and friends through death and the resulting loneliness combined with declining physical conditions can lead to depression.  A woman is more apt to talk to her physician about her feelings and be diagnosed more frequently with depression.  Which leads us to wondering wether it is more prevalent in women or more diagnosed in women than men?

Regardless of the answer depression results in many women feeling hopeless and helpless.  A research study (Ages and Stages) by the University of California Los Angeles says that younger women depend on friends when depressed but women going through menopause and older rely on medication.  Young women think they can just ‘get over’ depression with the aid of friends and family. This is when the first episode of major depression is most likely – maybe after childbirth or a failed relationship. When women are in their 40’s and 50’s, depression may be assumed to be part of menopause and consequently the condition may go unrecognized. However life changes (children leaving home, divorce and aging parents) may be the actual triggers for depression than menopause.

In their sixties women tend to keep depression to themselves. In this survey, fewer than one in five confided in others. If they are dealing with the loss of a spouse, this can intensify their feeling of isolation. The take-home message of the survey is that younger women should realize that depression is a real illness that may need medical treatment. The older woman should recognize the importance of social support, as well as medication, in treating depression.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—which focuses on changing behavior, rather than talking about your childhood, for instance—can be effective with medication or even a substitute for drugs. It is much more focused on what you seem to be doing and thinking that is keeping you depressed.

Hopelessness and helplessness are feelings that overcome us when we are depressed.  Hope is a crucial ingredient in all healing—physical and emotional.  So depression can become very debilitating for this reason.  Ask most women who have experienced depression and they will relate that they just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over their heads!

Hopelessness robs us of the joy of each day and from fully embracing all that life has to offer.  There is help and tomorrow does not have to be like today but things won’t change until the depressed person reaches out for help.

 


[1] Psychology Today

Share this:

  • Share
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • LinkedIn

Like this:

Like Loading...

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • March 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • June 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013

Categories

  • addictive behaviors
  • Alcoholism
  • Anxiety
  • Codependence
  • Depression
  • Eating Disorders
  • Grief and Loss
  • parenting teens
  • recovery tools
  • Substance Abuse
  • therapy for women
  • Uncategorized
  • women and relationships
    • Women and relationships

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Encouragé
    • Join 166 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Encouragé
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...
 

    %d bloggers like this: