Monthly Archives: June 2015

Beyond Boundaries

20 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, therapy for women, women and relationships

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I have been reading the book Beyond Boundaries by John Townsend.  He and Henry Cloud wrote the original Boundaries books with all the affiliated products.  Understanding boundaries is key in healthy relationships.

When I am involved with a client as a recovery coach, I help the client identify their core values and what needs come from those values.  Here is a synopsis of what Dr Townsend has to say in Beyond Boundaries as well as some of my thoughts for my clients.   I hope it is helpful!

There are two types of boundaries: 1) defining and 2) protective.

You recognized your defining boundaries when you acknowledged your values and what needs come out of those values.   There is as a general rule very little variation or change in those defining boundaries.

Protective boundaries are part of the work you did on codependency as well as identifying (and being) “a safe person” as well as the toxic relationships you identified and created action plans around.

Think of it in terms of your body. Your skin pretty much doesn’t change except for aging through the years. It’s the container that holds us together and by which people recognize us. When people see you, they identify you through your appearance.

Now think about your clothing. We wear clothing to protect us from the elements around us. We change our clothing according to how cold, warm, casual, or formal the circumstances and elements around us are.

Our defining boundaries might change a little but not that much through the years, like our skin. Our protective boundaries may change based on the elements around us, like our clothing. You adjust them based on how safe you are. In some relationships you may only need the emotional equivalency of shorts and a T shirt. In others you may need bomb squad gear.

Set and keep your defining boundaries—your skin—as a permanent part of who you are. But allow some wiggle room in your protective boundaries based on the amount of safety you need in a relationship.

You have to understand that the other person has a choice. Anyone at any time can reject your boundaries. It is the tough reality. You have to accept that reality. Your choice to have a boundary must be protected and his/her choice to not agree with yours must also be protected.

For example, if your partner is refuses to recognize that his/her actions are destructive to you, it is essential to set a boundary around that behavior. If it is angry outbursts against you, you will need to explain you will leave the room and, if you have to, the house until your partner recognizes how deeply his/her anger is hurting you. Your partner may not accept that boundary and get angrier and meaner. Your partner may decide to leave the relationship rather than change.

So is it worth it to set those boundaries? In a case like this did the boundaries cause the breakup? The problem was not the boundaries. You didn’t leave your partner or your commitment to your partner. It was the partner who made the choice to leave; you did not force the partner out. Your partner’s relational terrorism cannot be allowed to keep you from doing the right thing.

The point is this: your boundaries will create a space, a separation between you and someone in your life. That person will have the choice to bridge the separation by making changes and becoming more loving or to increase the distance by moving further away or even leaving the relationship.

You can do everything you can to keep the relationship together but you can never, in your own power, make a person stay with you. Staying or going is always a choice, one that every person has.

So did the boundaries work? They were set as a protective limit. Boundaries aren’t guarantees of responsibility or concern in someone. But they can:

  1. Bring reality and clarity
  2. Protect you
  3. Show someone the path to change

But boundaries do not remove the other person’s choice. So from this perspective, they do work. They protect you even if the outcome is different than you hoped for. You have to understand that this is still good news. It is diagnostic. It gives you the information you need about the character of the other person and the problem you are experiencing. Better to have a doctor’s diagnosis for a problem than to avoid making the appointment and allow the problem to do more damage.

If you have kept a journal through the process, you can now revisit those early entries before you set the boundary and focus on the peace in your life without anger and blame.

You can grieve the loss of your “dreams” for the relationship but understand that you are being re-created for a better future.

Belief Limiting Labels Influence Our Lives: How to Challenge Them

14 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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What do I mean by labels? They are simply descriptive terms used to describe us and usually have judgments associated with them. For example they can be ‘negative’ (I’m the Office Witch) or more ‘positive’ (I’m the Office Mom). A frequent one today is “I’m fat” whether it is true or not.

We may or may not agree with our labels and they can also be things we feel we’ve grown out of (I’m a typical teenager). And perhaps we think they’re true (I’m Very Reliable or I’m Forgetful). They can also be appearance related –“I’m a Blonde” which conjures up all the dumb blonde jokes. I have a brilliant psychologist friend who was raised in a very judgmental, critical home. He says that even today with all his successes if he opens the refrigerator and the catsup bottle falls out making a mess, he hears that voice from his childhood telling him he is dumb and clumsy.

In therapy our behaviors are “labeled” or diagnosed. Groups of behaviors have been given labels and are outlined in a Diagnostic Statistical Manual used by the behavioral health field. These labels are helpful in knowing how to treat a patient effectively. They are also necessary for insurance payment. It is important to remember that they may not be a lifelong label. If you and your therapist work together to reframe and change your thinking and subsequently change your behaviors on a long term basis, the diagnosis may no longer apply.

It is a complex, remarkable journey to the inner self: to the body, to the soul, to the spirit. In our pursuit of meaning, we often take on roles and define ourselves with labels that no longer work for us and we get exhausted, resentful, and disconnect as a means of survival. There is a way back and there is no substitute for professional therapy in that process.

In recovery and life coaching, challenging our limiting beliefs is a tool used to assist clients who are struggling in attaining or even setting their life goals. So, here is a simple limiting beliefs exercise using labels:

  1. List the labels you have been given in your life – aim for 10 and hopefully you will get at least 4 or 5 solid labels to work with.
  2. For each label, ask yourself if you see the label as positive or negative. Next ask yourself where you think the label came from – for example society (media, TV, books and magazines) and people (our parents, peers, and teachers). Be as specific as possible and name a specific person if you can.
  3. Then ask, “Do you agree with the label?” Explore what advantages and disadvantages each label has. How does the label HELP you and how does it HINDER or LIMIT you?
  4. You can give this exercise extra meaning by also asking yourself where you think your labels are getting in the way of achieving your goals.
  5. Ask yourself which labels you would like to keep and which you would like to ‘lose’? To do this, explore specific situations where the label comes up and make sure to ask yourself when and who you’re with when you behave like the label.
  6. Develop an action plan to overcome the negative label. Ask what could you do/how could you behave differently to make the label irrelevant or inappropriate?
LABEL ORIGIN AGREE/DISAGREE HELP/HINDER + or – Goals

This limiting beliefs exercise is a great way to raise awareness as well as stimulate and reframe your beliefs about yourself. It also has a broader societal impact because once you connect with how you feel about your labels you will have more empathy for others. Thoughtless words can impact us and the words we use can impact others negatively.
____________________

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

ANXIETY

13 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in addictive behaviors, Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person’s ability to lead a normal life. Let’s look at two types of anxiety disorders:

Social Anxiety Disorder is the extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations. It is not simply shyness. People with this disorder may have few or no social or romantic relationships, making them feel powerless, alone, or even ashamed.

  • About 15 million American adults have social anxiety disorder
  • Typical age of onset: 13 years old
  • 36 percent of people with social anxiety disorder report symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help
  • Usually begins in childhood or adolescence

Although they recognize that the fear is excessive and unreasonable, people with this disorder feel powerless against their anxiety. They are terrified they will humiliate or embarrass themselves. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things, often expecting the worst, even when there is no apparent reason for concern. Sufferers anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.

  • Affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year
  • Women are twice as likely to be affected
  • Disorder comes on gradually and can begin across the life cycle, though the risk is highest between childhood and middle age
  • Although the exact cause is unknown, there is evidence that biological factors, family background, and life experiences, particularly stressful ones, play a role.

If you suffer from anxiety, research suggests that you may run a higher risk of experiencing physical health problems. In the past 30 years, there has been considerable interest in the relaxation response and how inducing this state may benefit health. Currently, there is some evidence that relaxation techniques may be an effective part of an overall treatment plan to relieve anxiety.

Women who use yoga to relax during pregnancy reduce their risk of developing anxiety and depression. Stress during pregnancy has been linked to premature birth, low birth weight and increased developmental and behavioral problems in children.  A University of Manchester research study shows that women who attend one yoga class a week for eight weeks had decreased anxiety scores compared to those who received normal antenatal treatment.  A single session of yoga was found to reduce anxiety by one third and stress hormone levels by 14 per cent.

Coping Strategies for Stress and Anxiety

  • Take a time-out. Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, or learn relaxation techniques.
  • Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip meals; keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand.
  • Limit alcohol and caffeine, Aggravates anxiety
  • Get enough sleep. When stressed, your body needs additional sleep and rest.
  • Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health.
  • Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.
  • Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary.
  • Do your best. Don’t aim for perfection, which isn’t possible, be proud of how close you get.
  • Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?
  • Welcome humor. A good laugh goes a long way.
  • Maintain a positive attitude. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
  • Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community creating a support network and a break from everyday stress.
  • Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school, or something else you can identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed or anxious, and look for a pattern.
  • Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let them know how they can help you. Talk to a therapist for professional help.For some medications are a necessary part of treatment. Most people with anxiety who seek treatment, experience significant improvement and enjoy an improved quality of life.
    __________________________
    Sources Available Upon Request
    Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.
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  • __________________________________

Sticks and Stones: The Truth is that Words Really Can Hurt You!

12 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Codependence, Depression, therapy for women, women and relationships

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You can’t see bruises or broken bones. So you wonder if it is really a serious problem. Emotionally abused women state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. But there are invisible scars that destroy your sense of self and often lead to faulty thinking which negatively impacts your decisions and your life.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

  1. Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but can’t describe it?
  2. Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
  3. Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
  4. Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
  5. Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else or accuse you of having affairs?
  6. Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner’s eyes?
  7. Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
  8. Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
  9. Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
  10. When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
  11. Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from talking to others about how you feel?
  12. If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don’t deserve anything?
  13. After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
  14. Does he use the children against you in arguments?  Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
  15. Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?

    Emotional abuse is a choice and a learned behavior so it is difficult to say that emotional abuse is caused by any one single factor. It is not gender specific. Women can also emotionally abuse their partners. The following beliefs and attitudes are common for abusers:

  • Sense of entitlement
  • A belief they should have power and control over their partner
  • Belief that they can get away with it
  • Learned experience that being abusive gets them what they want
  • Belief that their lives should take priority

The effects of emotional abuse:

  •  Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
  • Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
  • Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior?
  • Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
  • Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
  • Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
  • Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
  • Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbors?
  • Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?

What can you do about it?

  • Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and get help.
  • Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad as or worse than physical abuse.
  • Take your safety and the safety of your children seriously.
  • Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
  • Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
  • Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
  • Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
  • Recognize you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
  • Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.

My final thoughts focus on your safety if you decide to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Shelters do accept those who are emotionally abused and have not been physically abused. If you have been threatened with harm or death, or are being stalked (followed and harassed) by your partner or ex-partner, you can call the police. Dial 911. If you are considering leaving, especially if you have children, see a lawyer. Abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave.

Counseling can help you identify and accept your own definition of normal as part of your journey to happiness.  You need to explore your values and needs and recognize how to achieve your goals. With expert guidance and a supportive environment, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life.

_____________________________

Sources available upon request

Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO, of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.