Monthly Archives: January 2015

Killing Me Softly: Codependency and Love Addiction

10 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Because I get so many questions from women on both codependency and love (or relationship) addiction, I want to outline symptoms and behaviors of each.  Neither is a designated mental health diagnosis but both cause extreme misery and wreck havoc in many lives.  Both are treated by mental health professionals as a set of behaviors in conjunction with other diagnoses.  They both seem to share the same foundation of symptoms starting with poor self esteem.   So let’s look at some basics that will help us understand:

Symptoms of Codependency

  1. Difficulty loving the self (self esteem)
  2. Difficulty protecting oneself by functional boundaries with others.
  3. Difficulty knowing one’s reality and owning it.
  4. Difficulty with self-care.
  5. Difficulty expressing one’s reality in moderation.

Behaviors of Codependency

  1. Controlling others or allowing others to control them. Both choices cause a codependent to project responsibility on to others for their own inability to be internally comfortable within themselves.
  2. Blaming others for the inability to protect themselves with healthy boundaries which leads to resentment.
  3. Impaired spirituality: Makes someone else their Higher Power through hate, fear, or worship. Or tries to be someone else’s Higher Power.
  4. Addictions, or mental illness or physical illness. This inability to face reality stems from lack of functional internal sense of self and sense of adequacy. There is a desire to be taken care of.
  5. Difficulty with intimacy. When a codependent has difficulty knowing who s/he is, and what her reality is, s/he cannot share in a healthy way since intimacy means sharing one’s reality. When one does not share, there is no way to check out immature perceptions, so codependent continues to have painful problems in relationship with others. Codependents often try to fix or change a partner, justify themselves, argue about the other person’s reality, and abuse the partner with sarcasm, ridicule, name calling, exaggeration, or so-called “honesty”.

Symptoms of Love Addiction

  1. Love addicts have difficulty with symptoms of codependency, and then choose addictive behaviors and internal processes to compensate.
  2. Love addicts seek to enmesh, to blend into another person. Underneath all of this is both a fear of abandonment and a fear of healthy intimacy, even if they pretend to look for it.
  3. When a codependent corrects his/her behavior, they can manage their life. But the love addict goes through severe withdrawal because like other addictive processes it is an obsessive-compulsive process used to relieve or medicate an intolerable reality.
  4. Love addicts did not bond well with their original caregivers when they were young children, experiencing a serious sense of abandonment. The message was, “Because you are worthless and unlovable, I will not care for you”. This kind of neglect and early loss creates low self-esteem and exaggerated longing.
  5. Emotional needs are immense. Love addicts have enormous fear about being able to connect emotionally.
  6. Love addicts compensated for lack of nurturing as children by immersing themselves in fantasy. Fantasies of being rescued or being the rescuer abound. Knights, dragons, romance novels- getting high from fantasy becomes habit.
  7. When love addicts play with fantasy, they can get high in about 10 minutes, and stay there for 2-3 hours. Endorphins are released into their system, relieving emotional pain.
  8. Love addicts begin relationships by trying too hard to please and connect. They are driven to find someone to tell them they are loveable and loved; to find someone who will rescue them from their inability to care for themselves; rescue them from their loneliness, emptiness, lack of self-love, inability to feel safe in the world without someone to protect them. They look for a relationship to make them feel whole.

Behaviors of Love Addiction

  1. A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on relationships. Love addicts obsessively think about, want to be with, touch, talk to, and listen to their partners. They rate this person as superior to themselves, or having more power. They make this person their Higher Power, but rarely know this is happening.
  2. Unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from other person. Love addicts want to be cared for and treasured by another, and are always disappointed. No one can satisfy their insatiable desires. They will go to great lengths to get partners to fulfill the big fantasy they have been holding in their minds for so long. They get very angry when their fantasy isn’t matched.
  3. Love addicts neglect to care for or value self while in relationship even if they can fare perfectly well when alone. A common example is a man who never learns to do basic household things, preferring to depend on his partner.
  4. Love addicts often choose partners who might be considered avoidance “addicts” because they are not available for a relationship even if they pretend to be. They are often focused on addictions such as drug and alcohol use, work, or sexual affairs. How can a love addict expect one who is avoiding intimacy to take care of them?

Repeating Cycle of Love Addicts in Relationship

  1. At first the love addict is attracted to the power and adulation of the avoidance addict (or another love addict).
  2. Fantasy is triggered and the love addict feels high. “It’s karma, destiny, fate, we’re soul mates.”
  3. The love addict feels relief from the pain of loneliness, emptiness and not mattering.
  4. The love addict begins to enmesh with the partner, showing more neediness. Partner starts to move away, but the love addict denies the reality of being abandoned by partner. This denial protects against the agony of rejection and abandonment.
  5. Eventually the love addict begins to be aware of the abandonment, and denial crumbles. May rage and get hysterical; may bargain, threaten. Extreme focus on partner; must know or think about what partner is doing at all times. Some will stalk, or obsessively call or text message. Others endure like silent martyrs. May call partner’s boss, announce to others to gain sympathy. May dress more seductively, go on vacation with partner, have affairs, showing extreme neediness to lure partner back. Relationship becomes more and more toxic.
  6. The love addict enters withdrawal. (Avoidance addict fares better – just leaves). Love addict’s original feelings of childhood are activated along with adult feelings of current abandonment. Pain, fear, anger, jealousy, emptiness, overwhelm, hopelessness. Extremely intense depression and suicidal feelings. Fear becomes anxiety and panic. Anger becomes frustration, rage, or homicidal jealousy. As a result of this loss, the Love addict may also face loss of income, house, being a single parent. Love addict may be so overwhelmed that s/he goes into withdrawal or jumps to next point in cycle, obsession. This behavior shifts them outside of their painful feelings.
  7. Love addict now obsesses how to get the avoidance addict to return; or dreams about being rescued; or fantasizes about having a better lover; or ruminates how to get even with the avoidance addict partner; or contemplates indulging in another addiction like food or drugs to numb the pain; or plans another sexual encounter with a new partner to avoid being alone.
  8. The love addict now compulsively acts out the obsessive plans. Get drugs, food at 2am. Burn partner’s clothes. Go and beg partner to return, threaten suicide. Take overdose of pills. Kill partner, children and self. Go get laid.
  9. Repeat cycle either with the returning partner or the ensnared new partner.

Progressive Stages of Love Addiction

  1. Increasing tolerance of inappropriate behavior from others
    1. “Well he only hit me 3 times and I didn’t get many bruises.”
    2. “She was only out once overnight this week.”
    3. “I only threw the telephone.”
  2. Greater Dependence
    1. Surrender more and more responsibility to the other party.
    2. Have them handle papers, make appointments, pick up children because “I just can’t remember”
  3. Decrease in Self Care: Grooming declines, baggy clothes, disheveled look.
  4. Numbness to Feelings. “I’m ok, fine” But they’re feeling pain, anger, fear, shame, jealously
  5. Feeling Trapped or Stuck
    1. Helpless to fix the relationship.
    2. Helpless to escape pain by ending relationship.
    3. Lost the ability to care for and value self. Increasing despair, disillusionment, depression.
    4. Loss of power, Loss of ability to respond. Behavior can become bizarre.

The Final Stages

  1. Feeling abused and becoming abusive.
  2. Can only see out of a negative filter, missing the good things in partner.
  3. Cannot see own immature, irrational, and offensive behavior.

The First Step toward Recovery

The good news is that a mental health professional can help you understand your behavior and help you begin a healthy life style. It is not a quick or easy journey. The risky and destructive behavior involved in love addiction can have serious consequences but love addicts can recover. Codependents can replace their unhealthy beliefs and behaviors and recover. You can change your thinking and change your life. The first step is to reach out and get help.
______________________________
sources available upon request

The Importance of Healthy Self-Esteem and How to Get It!  Crossroads has opened a new video on demand website that offers therapy lectures with therapeutic exercises and resource materials. These pre-recorded lectures address specific issues including self esteem. We are currently adding new videos daily so check back often! Now you can have help available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year! Check it out here.

Crossroads’ intensive outpatient programs and therapeutic workshops are intensely focused, action oriented, short term groups facilitated by a credentialed, experienced therapist which help women with eating disorders, addictive disorders and behaviors, codependency, depression, relationship issues, grief, loss and other emotional issues.   They are designed to help you discover the “whys” behind your struggles and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

Buttercups and Porcupine Quills: Women, Anger, and Aggression

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, women and relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I addressed what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day in my previous blog and how our gender socialization impacts how we view and express anger as women. (In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.)

Many of the long term consequences of anger are negative. Yet, anger is part of our biological makeup for both genders. It is part of the fight-or-flight reaction. It had survival value in the past and it has some positives in the present including but not limited to the following:

  1. It can be an appropriate response to injustice (anger may have played a role in social movements that led to equality for women, the elderly, blacks, the disabled, protection of helpless animals, Mothers Against Drunk Driving to name a few)
  2. It is an alerting function that may help us become aware of situations in our life that we need to address directly which may lead to problem solving
  3. It may present an increased motivation to right the wrongs we see in the world as well as in our individual lives

Verbal expressions of anger may include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm. Anger can also be expressed physically by raising a clenched fist, throwing a book on the floor, breaking a pencil or hitting a wall.

Anger crosses the line when it becomes aggression. Aggression has a determined intention to harm another person. Often, it reflects a desire for dominance and control. Weapons are often involved. Aggression can be shown by punching, shoving, hitting or even maiming another person, and it can occur in marital violence, child or elder abuse, bullying, or gang and criminal activities. Research shows that 90% of the time, it is acts of aggression arising from anger that wind up in the criminal justice system. But only 10 percent of anger experiences are actually followed by aggression. People often want to act aggressively when angry but most do not actually take aggressive actions. This is not to say that anger may not have negative and long lasting effects on a marriage or other significant relationships.

Facts about anger:

  • Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives.
  • When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed
  • In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution.
  • Taking a breather using simple tools, such as relaxation techniques and visual imagery, can help soothe angry feelings and may be a good first step before talking to person with whom you are angry.

When is more intensive professional help necessary? There is cause for alarm if:

  • your anger is moderate to intense
  • experienced frequently
  • endures to the point where you are holding a grudge
  • you have plans for revenge and getting even
  • is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions

When you experience anger as outlined above, you are likely at risk for the negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression. There can be a very high cost to anger. The good news is that mental health professionals can help you understand the triggers for your anger and help you develop strategies to control your anger and improve your life. _____________________

The relaxation techniques used to reduce stress can be very helpful in coping with anger and expressing it appropriately. Crossroads Programs for Women offers on demand video psycho-educational lectures which include resource materials and exercises for relaxation. Check them out here: https://crossroadsprogramsforwomenvide.pivotshare.com/

If you believe your anger has become aggression, please call Crossroads for information on how our programs can help. www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937

Understanding Our Anger and How We Express It as Women – Part 1

05 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by in Anxiety, Depression, women and relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Let’s have an honest discussion about our anger:

Let’s dislodge gender stereotypes about anger. June Tangney PhD has called into question common assumptions about women and anger, such as the notion that women have trouble with anger. Women don’t have a problem with anger–they just manage it differently, says Tangney, professor of psychology at George Mason University.

Women tend not to be as aggressive as men in expressing anger and tend to talk about their anger more, she says. “They are more proactive and use more problem-solving approaches in discussing a problem with a person they are angry with,” says Tangney.

And what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day? In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women’s Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.

While research has not yet suggested that different factors trigger men’s anger, researchers continue to uncover differences in how men and women experience it. Raymond DiGiuseppe, PhD, chair of the psychology department at St. John’s University in New York, in his research to develop a new anger disorder scale surved 1,300 people ages 18 to 90. Dr DiGiuseppe investigated 18 subscales of anger, including how individuals experience their anger, how long the anger lasts and what they get angry about. While he found that differences in men’s and women’s total anger scores were not significant, he did find differences in the way they experience anger. Specifically, men scored higher on physical aggression, passive aggression and experiences of impulsively dealing with their anger. They also more often had a revenge motive to their anger and scored higher on coercing other people.

Women, on the other hand, were found to be angry longer, more resentful and less likely to express their anger, compared with men. DiGuiseppe found that women used indirect aggression by “writing off” a higher number of people–intending to never speak to them again because of their anger.

Dr DiGuiseppe’s research seems to contradict Dr. Tagney’s assumption about women being more proactive about resolving issues around conflict.

I have witnessed this frequently during my years in management and consulting, while men seem to disagree at work they still go out golfing or another social setting or activity after work. Women stop speaking to each other unless it is absolutely necessary which is fundamentally a huge problem in a working environment and generally counterproductive in life. I have often wondered whether it is our inability to understand competition in the same way our male colleagues do or whether we take ourselves too seriously or what?

What have your experiences been? How do you deal with anger at work? Do you agree with Dr. Tagney’s assumptions about women and anger and does that assumption hold true in a work setting?  Is it possible we get too invested in the problem solving process as a way to support our position rather than find a place of compromise?

Freedom from Codependency: Are You Surviving or Really Living Life?

04 Sunday Jan 2015

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, therapy for women, women and relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Each life is a tapestry of the individual’s experiences from birth until death. At one time codependency was used to describe the spouse or significant others of people who were chemically dependent. We now know that others, such as adult children of alcoholics, people involved in relationships with the emotionally dysfunctional, and adults who suffered abuse in childhood often have codependent behaviors. It could be someone who spends more time living their lives for others, than for themselves. It could be someone who lets the feelings and actions of others affect them to the point they lose control of their own lives.

Codependence is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior and it is born out of dysfunctional family systems (sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely). As an adult one experiences the painful trauma of the emptiness of one’s childhood and one’s relationships throughout life.

Some attempt to use others (mates, friends, and their children) as their sole source of identity, value and wellbeing, and as a way of trying to restore within one’s self the emotional losses from childhood. Their histories may include other powerful addictions which at times they used to cope with their codependence.

Melody Beattie describes in her book “Codependent No More”, codependents as hostile, controlling, manipulative and crazy. She says they are hostile because they are chronically hurt: they try to control others in a misguided attempt to regain control of themselves: they use manipulation because they believe it is the only way to get things done: and they feel crazy because of living this way. Fortunately, codependency can be overcome, but it takes a strong desire to change and usually requires some kind of therapy.

If one were to try to sum up the vast behaviors it would fit into these few characteristics:

  • Excessive caretaking (with the result being: I take such good care of you, why don’t you anticipate my needs and take care of me sometimes.) BECAUSE: You have trained them to believe you do not need anything
  • Low self-esteem (with the end result being: I only feel good about me when I help others, and if something goes wrong it must be my fault.) BECAUSE: You have accepted you will never be enough and need to feel like a victim, besides I can blame others and that makes me feel better about myself.
  • Denial (codependents ignore, minimize, or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing “things will get better when…” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings; beside it’s really not that bad.”) BECAUSE: If you accept your feelings, you will have to find healthy ways to cope.
  • Fear of anger (codependents are afraid of both own and their loved one’s anger.) BECAUSE: If you accept your feelings you might have the make changes in the relationship.
  • Health Problems (The stress of codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma, high blood pressure, and many other medical, physical, and emotional issues. BECAUSE: The body is trying to send a message. A quote I heard many years ago” If one does not grieve their losses the organs will.” Often trying to deal with the family of origin mandates: Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, and Don’t Trust
  • Addictive Behaviors (Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration) BECAUSE: Addictions numb the psychic, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • If you identify with these behaviors, you can experience a new freedom from your self-defeating lifestyle. The good news is that you are changeable, valuable, loveable, and forgivable. There are many healthy steps of change, the first being able and willing to ask for help. We are all better together–especially in a journey of healing. ______________________

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, is CEO and Founder of Crossroads Programs for Women which offers intensive outpatient programs, online psychoeducational programming, life style and recovery coaching, and individual therapy for women. She serves as the Executive Director of The International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals Foundation Inc. (iaedp), an 800 member professional organization that trains and certifies professionals to treat eating disorders. She has been in the mental health field since 1987.   www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com 800-348-0937