Author Archives: crossroads420

Five Conditions that Can Trigger Life Altering Mental Health Issues and How to Avoid Them!

06 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by in Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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If you were lying in your yard with a broken leg and yelling “Don’t touch me! Leave me alone!” your friends would try to help. They wouldn’t leave you. They would assess the situation, intervene by treating you themselves or calling for an ambulance. They would be clear in their own minds that treatment would be needed and more than likely, everyone would agree that action had to be taken. So what changes when a person is displaying an emotional “injury”? Why do people procrastinate and resist treatment? Why don’t more friends and families initiate interventions with their loved one?

Neglecting mental health treatment can result in more serious problems down the road. For decades, researchers have been studying why some people don’t get treatment. Their findings suggest it is a complex set of reasons behind this reluctance to seek out mental health treatment.

The latest study, published in the journal Psychological Medicine, reviewed findings from 144 studies that covered a population of nearly 90,000 subjects. The researchers specifically looked at barriers to treatment reported in these studies, and pooled the findings to come up with ten barriers to getting mental health treatment.

So what are some of the top reasons people don’t seek treatment for mental illness?
• Self-sufficiency — wanting to handle the problem on one’s own — and simply feeling that they didn’t need treatment for the issue.
• Stigma about mental health issues
• Confidentiality issues
• Low knowledge about mental health services
• Fear/stress about the act of help-seeking or the source of help itself
• Lack of accessibility to care

Five Conditions that May Develop into Serious Emotional Problems without Treatment

Five Conditions that May Trigger Serious Mental Health Issues

All of these mental health issues are usually accompanied by depression, self-defeating behaviors, and faulty thinking and actions. Depression often gets worse if it isn’t treated. Untreated depression can lead to other mental health and physical problems and troubles in other areas of a person’s life. Feelings of depression can lead to suicide.

Early treatment can often prevent many serious mental health issues, but people may sometimes go from doctor to doctor for years and visit the emergency room repeatedly before someone correctly diagnoses their condition. This is unfortunate because many of the early symptoms are very treatable and in most cases respond to certain kinds of medication or certain kinds of cognitive psychotherapy, which help change faulty thinking patterns that lead to more serious issues.

If you are a family member or friend, voice your concern about their behaviors to the person. You may want to solicit the help of a professional interventionist. Back your judgment and even if you feel as though you are doing the worst possible thing for your friend or loved one and fear their resentment and anger, do whatever you have to. Be loyal to wellness. Don’t be loyal to illness.

If you experience any of these symptoms yourself, reach out for help as soon as possible. Many of the ways that individuals “handle” these issues without professional help involve the development of dysfunctional compensatory behaviors which complicate and exacerbate the resulting mental health condition, making recovery more prolonged and complicated. You can avoid more serious, complicated mental health issues when you seek professional help sooner rather than later!
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Sources Available Upon Request

Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

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The Trauma of Grief and Loss

10 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by in Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief and Loss, Substance Abuse, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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There is little we dread more than losing a life partner who is often our most important source of comfort and support. They are people who share our achievements and our happiness. They soothe us and help us problem-solve when things are hard. We do the same for them. Life partners take care of each other in a special way. Their loss can trigger intense feelings of grief. About a million people lose a spouse or partner each year in the United States, and there are currently about 11 million widowed older adults in the country. Widowhood is often a lonely, very painful experience.

The death of a child may be the most difficult experience a person ever faces. Parents begin to care for a child as early as conception as they imagine what the child will be like. Taking good care of a child is often the most important thing in a parent’s life. A child’s death triggers feelings of care-giving failure. The loss of a child can sever a parent’s feeling of connection to the future and feel like losing a part of themselves. A bereaved couple may find themselves unable to support each other because they may grieve in different ways which can deprive them of the support they need from each other. This situation can cause stress in the relationship, adding to the pain of the loss.

Over 20% of us will lose a family member to suicide, and the grief we experience can be especially intense and difficult. When a loved one commits suicide, survivors almost always blame themselves and often feel abandoned or rejected by the person who died. They may have strong feelings of anger intermixed with regret and sadness. Unfortunately, suicide is not uncommon. More people now die of suicide than in car accidents, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In 2010 there were 33,687 deaths from motor vehicle crashes and 38,364 suicides.

Researchers used to believe that all people moved through five specific stages of grief, in order. Today it’s accepted that different people follow different paths through the experiences of grieving:
• Accepting the reality of your loss
• Allowing yourself to experience the pain of your loss
• Adjusting to a new reality in which the deceased is no longer present
• Having other relationships

You may accomplish these in a different order or on a different timeline than another person. These differences are normal. For some people, feelings of loss are debilitating and don’t improve even after time passes. This is known as complicated grief. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble accepting the loss and resuming your own life.

It’s not known specifically what causes complicated grief, researchers continue to learn more about these factors that may increase the risk of developing it:
• An unexpected or violent death
• Suicide of a loved one
• Lack of a support system or friendships
• Traumatic childhood experiences, such as abuse or neglect
• Childhood separation anxiety
• Close or dependent relationship to the deceased person
• Being unprepared for the death
• Lack of resilience or adaptability to life changes

Some factors that may help identify complicated grief include:
• Inability to trust others
• Emotional numbness or detachment from others
• A sense that life is now meaningless
• Belief that the future won’t be fulfilling
• Agitation or jumpiness
• Social withdrawal
These symptoms sometimes occur during the normal process of grieving. In complicated grief, however, they show no signs of improvement over time.

Complicated grief can affect you physically, mentally and socially. Without appropriate treatment, these complications can include depression, suicidal thoughts, risk of physical illness, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, difficulty with daily functioning, and addictive behaviors. It’s not known what causes complicated grief. As with many mental health disorders, it may involve an interaction between inherited traits, your environment, your body’s natural chemical makeup and your personality.

You may benefit from professional help if you:
• Can focus on little else but your loved one’s death
• Have persistent pining or longing for the deceased person
• Have thoughts of guilt or self-blame
• Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
• Feel as if life isn’t worth living
• Have lost your sense of purpose in life
• Wish you had died along with your loved one

At times, people with complicated grief may consider suicide. If you think you may act on suicidal feelings, call 911 or your local emergency services number right away.
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Sources Available Upon Request

Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.


This program offers 32 hours of intensive group therapy focusing on the following: Depression, anxiety, disordered eating, loneliness, fear, relationship issues, grief and loss, self-worth and self-esteem, recovery challenges and/or relapse which can cause despair in the lives of women who come to Crossroads for help. Our intensive outpatient programs offer practical tools for change as well as providing an individualized aftercare plan. With expert guidance and a supportive environment of women who share your struggles, you will begin to understand the “whys” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life. Call 800-348-0937 for more information or visit our website http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com.

Depression and Anxiety: The Silent Struggle of Women Who Try to Do It All

12 Thursday Jun 2014

Posted by in Depression, Eating Disorders, therapy for women, Uncategorized, women and relationships

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In an era of multi-tasking, trying to have it all (marriage, children, and career), and high expectations, women are experiencing higher levels of anxiety than our mothers faced a generation ago. Depression and anxiety are different conditions, but they commonly occur together and have similar treatments. They are two of the most common mental health concerns in our society and are often experienced as a complex set of emotional and functional challenges. It is not uncommon for people with depression to experience anxiety and people with anxiety to become depressed. There is also overlap in some of the treatments, so it is beneficial to learn about both conditions.

The science of mind-body medicine helps us understand the ongoing connection between the mind and body and see how anxiety and depression may be triggered by a variety of factors. These can include nutritional, psychological, physical, emotional, environmental, social, and spiritual factors, as well as genetic tendencies or brain disease.

Depression is a common disorder, affecting over 350 million people worldwide. It is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person’s family, work, or school life; sleeping and eating habits; and general health. In the United States, the incidence of depression has increased every year in the past century, and now, according to the Centers for Disease Control, one out of ten people report experiencing a depressive episode.  Depression is typically characterized by low energy and mood, low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. Women are 70% more likely than men to experience depression in their lifetime. Men and women experience depression differently—while women tend to experience sadness and guilt, men often feel restless or angry and are more likely to turn to alcohol and drugs to cope. Depression causes unnecessary suffering and is a risk factor for suicide.

Anxiety disorder is characterized by emotional, physical, and behavioral symptoms that create an unpleasant feeling that is typically described as uneasiness, fear, or worry. The worry is frequently accompanied by physical symptoms, especially fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, and hot flashes. Emotional symptoms include fear, racing thoughts, and a feeling of impending doom. People suffering from anxiety often withdraw and seek to avoid people or certain places.  When suffering from moderate to severe symptoms of depression or anxiety, it is critical to have a working relationship with a provider, or team of providers, who can help you choose your treatment approach and evaluate its effectiveness. The providers may include a primary care physician, nurse practitioner, psychotherapist, or other professional who is philosophically aligned with you, as well as integrative therapy providers. If you are taking any oral natural supplements in combination with conventional prescription medications, it is critical for both the prescriber and the pharmacist to be aware which supplements you are taking.  The Anxiety and Depression Association of America estimates that almost one out of five people suffer from an anxiety disorder, making it the most common mental disorder in the United States. While generalized anxiety disorder is the most common, there are other anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, phobias, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

We often respond to stressful events in ways that are not particularly helpful. It is important to know that adjusting your attitude can reduce stress. Try the following tips:

  • Accept that there are events you cannot control.
  • Don’t worry about what you can’t change.
  • Be assertive instead of passive or aggressive. Assert your feelings, opinions, or beliefs instead of becoming angry, combative, or passive.
  • Divide large tasks into smaller components to make jobs less overwhelming.
  • Schedule your time wisely and honestly, always allowing time for interruptions and unplanned change.
  • Cognitive behavioral therapy is an effective approach for dealing with distressing thoughts or feelings.

What consumes your mind, controls your life. You can change your thinking and change your life.

Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. At Crossroads we help you recover from your past, reclaim your dreams, and renew your spirit. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

 

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Psychodrama and The Power of Connection by Mary Bellofatto MA, LMHC, CEDS, NCC, TEP

21 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by in Depression, Eating Disorders, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Our Connections determine who we are. Our ability to connect emotionally and spiritually determine the quality of our lives whether it’s a connection to self, others, or to the God of our understanding. 

Stone Center at Wellesley College did a study regarding connections. They determined the following:

Outcomes of Disconnections:                                  

Diminished zest or vitality

Disempowerment

Confusion, lack of clarity

Diminished self-worth

Turning away from relationships

Outcomes of Connection:

Each person feels a greater sense of “zest” (vitality, energy)

Each person feels more able to act and does act

Each person has a more accurate picture of her/himself and the other person(s)

Each person feels a greater sense of worth

Each person feels more connected to the other person(s) and a greater motivation for connections with other people beyond those in the specific relationship

Our work as professionals is to assist our clients on their journey from disconnections to one of meaningful life changing connections.  I recently heard a powerful quote by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a woman we associate with the grief and loss cycle but this quote should have been her hallmark. “It’s not the end of the physical body that should worry us.  Rather our concern must be to live while we’re alive, to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with being behind a facade designed to conform to external definition of who and what we are.”

The above task is not simple but a complex remarkable journey to the inner self, to the body, to the soul, to the spirit.  I am sure we all have unique methods to assist our clients on this journey, but like any journey there is always planning, preparation and pursuit.  I have found psychodrama, as an energizing, directive, innovative tool in this journey.

Psychodrama is an action method that helps clients understand the roles they play and gives the therapist tools to assist clients with change.  J.L. Moreno, the father of psychodrama, believed the self emerges from the roles we take on.  In observing our clients we come to understand the more fragile they are, the more rigid one becomes where they take a role and hang on to it until they become role locked or role fatigued.  Roles are developed by first taking the role, second playing the role and thirdly creating the role.  Remember when you first became a therapist?  That’s when we took the role and followed all the rules and was fearful of making a mistake and always checked with others to make sure we were doing the job correctly.  Later as you began to play with the role you relaxed a bit and started adding some of your own creativity to the role.  Lastly after some time you were able to make the role yours, adding your own unique styles, methods and moving into a new level of spontaneity and creativity.  Then something new comes along and we go back to the beginning and work our way through the new learning.  This process continues for a lifetime, as we create change and new cultural conserves.

Within the role theory, we can access the act of the hungers, the desires, the wishes and needs that originate in the body that can only be fulfilled thru actual body movement or interaction.  The body shuts down movement in order to protect feelings and it shuts down feeling in order to lock down the body.  This is where action techniques helps release our clients from the body/mind disconnect and brings awareness through relationships.  In relationships there can never be a “we” until there is an “I”. It is about forming connection with the parts until they become real.  Reality equals how I think, feel, behave and how we are in our body.  But often in an addictive process the thinking is distorted, the feelings are shut down, and the behaviors are not appropriate.  There is a major disconnect from the body.

WHERE TO FROM HERE?

The methods of psychodrama involve the ABC’S of connection.  Affect, Behaviors, Cognition and Spirituality.  This method allows one to experience the past and the future, all in the present here and now which allows for reality testing.  The following is an exercise you can safely execute with your eating disordered clients. 

It’s called the play of life:  Designate an area in the room to represent a stage about 4 feet by 5 feet and mark if off with tape so the client is aware this represents the action area.  Have client pick someone in the group to be her body at present (this person is called an auxiliary) and put them in the stage area and sculpt them according to how the clients feels about her body.  They may be standing with their back to the client, lying down on the floor with their face on the carpet, or curled up or bowed down.   Now ask the client to stand where she feels she is, in relationship to her body, whether on the stage with the body, or across the room.  Look for distance, and stanch to determine how they feel toward the body.  Now have the client reverse with the body, where the auxiliary becomes the client.  From this role reversal, ask the body, what do you want to say to your owner?

Reverse back to the original position and have the auxiliary body speak what the client said in the body position.  Continue this dialogue to gather information about the client and the extent of her anger, hate and fear of her body.  At some point, ask the client, what would it take for you to make one simple change in your stance toward your body?  It might mean “I could turn around and look at you from across the room”.  Then ask, what behaviorally would that mean to you?  Examples:  It might mean

“I will start to connect with you in keeping a food journal so when I eat to connect to my body”,

”I will start to do a daily affirmation regarding my body” 

If the client is ready, ask her what the second and third step would be if she started connecting with her body.

This becomes a rough treatment plan of the work the client needs to do.  THE CLIENT ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT THEY NEED TO DO IF YOU GIVE THEM AN INROAD TO ACCESS THE INFORMATION.   Check in with your client regarding their fear of connection with their body.  (Question, if you got connected with your body what do you think would happen?  If they say “I’m not sure”, have them become the part that is sure and speak from that place.  Ask the same question as related to their emotions and their spiritual connection). 

This simple technique will assist you to gain insight into your client but it is even more affective because the client experiences the disconnect in her body and the process of change.  If you want to encourage the client, ask them to step into a future projection and show us “how you would like it to be with your body”.  I have seen them move into a bone-crushing hug even though in reality they could not tolerate that level of connection and in action, they will acknowledge that.  Always give the client permission to be where they are but to encourage them on their journey.  It critical that we, as clinicians, have our own powerful connections so we do not ask any clients to fill our own needs.

Learn about these procedures and psychodrama as a method for individual and group work at my training in July, 2014.  I am a Trainer, Educator, and Practioner of Psychodrama and can give training hours toward certification.  I am also an iaedp™ approved supervisor.

LEARN HOW TO USE PSYCHODRAMA TECHNIQUES WITH YOUR PATIENTS

The Professional Development Institute at Crossroads is offering a three day psychodrama training with Mary July 17-19, 2014.  It offers 21 ce’s.  This is the only psychodrama training Mary, who is nationally known, offers in Illinois. 

SPECIAL DISCOUNTS ARE AVAILABLE

There are special discounts if you register a group of 3 or more people from one organization.  Each person should register and use the discount code GROUP at checkout to receive the discount.

There is also a discount of $50 if you register between May 20-27, 2014.  Use the code MEMORIALDAY at checkout to receive the discount.

(Sorry but discounts cannot be combined)

More information here:  http://crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/PsychodramaTraining.html

You can also call 800-348-0937 or email bresourceful@earthlink.net.

REGISTER HERE: http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07e99xhh649197b8e7&llr=vcpbxtkab

ImageMary Bellofatto, MA, LMHC, NCC CEDS, TEP
Mary is owner and President of Mary Bellofatto Consulting.  She has been in the mental health field for over forty years, leading retreats, seminars, trainings, and program development in the eating disorder field nationally, and internationally.  She is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with the State of Florida, a national Certified Counselor, a Certified Eating Disorder Specialist and a certified Trainer, Educator, and Practitioner of Psychodrama.   Mary is presently on the Board of Directors for iaedp™ and the Executive Counsel of the American Society of Group Psychotherapy and Psychodrama.  She is an award-winning speaker, a Toastmasters Bronze, Who’s Who in U.S Executives, and Lexington Who’s Who of Executives And Professionals.  She consults with a number of treatment centers in the U. S. &  Canada, training staff and program development.  Mary is also an approved supervisor of iaedp™ and serves as Immediate Past President of the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals Foundation (iaedp™) Board of Directors.

REGISTER HERE:  http://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07e99xhh649197b8e7&llr=vcpbxtkab

 

 

 

 

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ANXIETY

01 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in Depression, Eating Disorders, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Crossroads has programs for Anxiety Disorders!

Crossroads has programs for Anxiety Disorders!

Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person’s ability to lead a normal life. Let’s look at two types of anxiety disorders:

Social Anxiety Disorder is the extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations. It is not simply shyness. People with this disorder may have few or no social or romantic relationships, making them feel powerless, alone, or even ashamed.
• About 15 million American adults have social anxiety disorder
• Typical age of onset: 13 years old
• 36 percent of people with social anxiety disorder report symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help
• Usually begins in childhood or adolescence
Although they recognize that the fear is excessive and unreasonable, people with this disorder feel powerless against their anxiety. They are terrified they will humiliate or embarrass themselves.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things, often expecting the worst, even when there is no apparent reason for concern. Sufferers anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.
• Affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population, in any given year
• Women are twice as likely to be affected
• Disorder comes on gradually and can begin across the life cycle, though the risk is highest between childhood and middle age
• Although the exact cause is unknown, there is evidence that biological factors, family background, and life experiences, particularly stressful ones, play a role.

If you suffer from anxiety, research suggests that you may run a higher risk of experiencing physical health problems. In the past 30 years, there has been considerable interest in the relaxation response and how inducing this state may benefit health. Currently, there is some evidence that relaxation techniques may be an effective part of an overall treatment plan to relieve anxiety.
Women who use yoga to relax during pregnancy reduce their risk of developing anxiety and depression. Stress during pregnancy has been linked to premature birth, low birth weight and increased developmental and behavioral problems in children. A University of Manchester research study shows that women who attend one yoga class a week for eight weeks had decreased anxiety scores compared to those who received normal antenatal treatment. A single session of yoga was found to reduce anxiety by one third and stress hormone levels by 14 per cent.

Coping Strategies for Stress and Anxiety
• Take a time-out. Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, or learn relaxation techniques.
• Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip meals; keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand.
• Limit alcohol and caffeine, Aggravates anxiety
• Get enough sleep. When stressed, your body needs additional sleep and rest.
• Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health.
• Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.
• Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary.
• Do your best. Don’t aim for perfection, which isn’t possible, be proud of how close you get.
• Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?
• Welcome humor. A good laugh goes a long way.
• Maintain a positive attitude. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
• Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community creating a support network and a break from everyday stress.
• Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school, or something else you can identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed or anxious, and look for a pattern.
• Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let them know how they can help you. Talk to a therapist for professional help.

Most people with anxiety who seek treatment, experience significant improvement and enjoy an improved quality of life.
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Crossroads Programs for Women can help! Call us today 800-348-0937 Our intensive outpatient programs are different!

Struggling with a Difficult Relationship?

13 Sunday Apr 2014

Posted by in Depression, Eating Disorders, therapy for women, women and relationships

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Women and Relationships
Are you in a difficult relationship? Do you repeatedly find yourself in difficult relationships? For purposes of this article, a “difficult” relationship is not one that is going through the usual periods of disagreement and disappointment that are inevitable when two individuals come together. Let’s look at some characteristics of healthy relationships and unhealthy ones in order to define what qualifies as a “difficult” relationship.

Healthy Relationships
Each of us enters into romantic relationships with ideas about what we want based on family relationships, what we’ve seen in the media, and our own past relationship experiences. Holding on to unrealistic expectations can cause a relationship to be unsatisfying and to eventually fail. The following will help you to distinguish between healthy and problematic relationship expectations:

  • Respect Changes. What you want from a relationship in the early months of dating may be quite different from what you want after you have been together for some time. Anticipate that both you and your partner will change over time. Feelings of love and passion change with time, as well. Respecting and valuing these changes is healthy. Love literally changes brain chemistry for the first months of a relationship. For both physiological and emotional reasons, an established relationship will have a more complex and often richer type of passion than a new relationship.
  • Accept Differences. It is difficult, but healthy, to accept that there are some things about our partners that will not change over time, no matter how much we want them to. Unfortunately, there is often an expectation that our partner will change only in the ways we want. We may also hold the unrealistic expectation that our partner will never change from the way he or she is now.
  • Express Wants and Needs. While it is easy to assume that your partner knows your wants and needs, this is often not the case and can be the source of much stress in relationships. A healthier approach is to directly express our needs and wishes to our partner.
  • Respect Your Partner’s Rights. In healthy relationships, there is respect for each partner’s right to have her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. It is unrealistic to expect or demand that that he or she have the same priorities, goals, and interests as you.
  • Be Prepared to “Fight Fair.” Couples who view conflict as a threat to the relationship, and something to be avoided at all costs, often find that accumulated and unaddressed conflicts are the real threat. Healthy couples fight, but they “fight fair” – accepting responsibility for their part in a problem, admitting when they are wrong, and seeking compromise. Additional information about fair fighting can be found here.
  • Maintain the Relationship. Most of us know that keeping a vehicle moving in the desired direction requires not only regular refueling, but also ongoing maintenance and active corrections to the steering to compensate for changes in the road. A similar situation applies to continuing relationships. While we may work hard to get the relationship started, expecting to cruise without effort or active maintenance typically leads the relationship to stall or crash! Though gifts and getaways are important, it is often the small, non material things that partners routinely do for each other that keep the relationship satisfying. [1]

Examples of Difficult Relationships

Toxic Relationships: A toxic relationship is often characterized by repeated, mutually destructive modes of relating between a couple. These patterns can involve jealousy, possessiveness, dominance, manipulation, desperation, selfishness or rejection. However, one common theme in a toxic relationship involves the partners’ intense draw toward each other, despite the pain they both cause one another.

These relationships erode self-esteem and prevent those involved from moving on in their personal lives or careers. They foster feelings of loneliness, rage, and despair. Despite the pain of these relationships, many rational women find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the relationship is harmful to them. One part of them wants out but a seemingly stronger part refuses (or feels helpless) to take any action. It is in this sense that the relationships are addictive.

A toxic relationship exists when a person fails to recognize the destructive dynamics they’re subconsciously looking to play out with a romantic partner. This not only leads to an imbalance in the relationship, but it often limits an individual’s personal growth.

Relationships and Mental Illness: Empathetic men and women guiltily struggle to leave an abusive situation, and/or an impaired partner — be the cause drugs, alcohol, sex addiction or mental illness. It’s a difficult struggle because they still care about their spouse and value their marriage commitment. As an example, breakdowns in Bipolar relationships are a common consequence of the illness. The likelihood of divorce amongst bipolar individuals is twice that of the general population. Unfortunately it’s often one sided and, as one male client observed, “the one who cares the most is the one who hurts the most.”

As these men and women painstakingly search for answers about successfully co parenting with a narcissist, or a passive aggressive partner, or someone diagnosed as bipolar or borderline, they are seeking just, reasonable ways to deal with an unreasonable situation which are often unattainable. In most cases, the issue is the same, even though the diagnosis may be different. They are dealing with a partner whose reality is so skewed that compromise, honesty, fairness and follow through are not possible.  All breakups are difficult, but ending a relationship or marriage with someone who has a personality disorder or mental illness can put your separation or divorce at the extreme end of the spectrum. And it’s crazy-making.

The Narcissist and the Codependent: Codependents find narcissistic partners deeply appealing. They are attracted to their charm, boldness, and confident personality. When the narcissist and the codependent become partners, the romance sizzles with excitement in the beginning. But the narcissist fears a loss of identity and is sensitive to everything that leads to bonding. They might pick fights and uproars to avoid bonding, seduce and then withhold sex as an abuse tactic that makes the partner feel less than desirable, and many other ways to sabotage intimacy and bonding.   Eventually the thrilling romance transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and feeling trapped.

Codependents confuse care taking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated. Codependents desire harmony and balance but they consistently chose a partner to whom they are initially attracted but will eventually resent. They are resistant to leaving their partner because of their lack of self esteem and self respect. What they fail to realize is that without self esteem or self respect, they are incapable of choosing a mutually giving and unconditionally loving partner. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to fix the relationship at any cost, and comfort with the martyr role is often an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child. Although codependents dream of an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to pick narcissistic partners.

Abusive Relationships: There are many ways that one partner can abuse another: emotional, verbal, financial, spiritual, physical and sexual abuse. Each type of abuse is serious and no one deserves to experience any form of it.   Domestic violence is when one person in a relationship purposely hurts another person physically or emotionally. Domestic violence is also called intimate partner violence because it often is caused by a husband, ex-husband, boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend. Women also can be abusers. Healthy relationships are built on equality and respect. Unhealthy relationships are based on power and control.

People of all races, education levels, and ages experience domestic abuse. In the United States, more than 5 million women are abused by an intimate partner each year. People who have never been in an abusive relationship may wonder, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” There are many reasons why a woman may stay in an abusive relationship.
She may have little or no money and worry about supporting herself and her children. It may be hard for her to contact friends and family who could help her. Or she may feel too frightened, confused, or embarrassed to leave.

Being hurt by someone close to you is awful. Reach out for support from family, friends, and community organizations.If you are in an abusive relationship and are not sure if you are ready to leave, keep in mind that:

  1. Abuse often gets worse. It may be possible for a partner to change, but it takes work and time. If your partner is blaming you or other factors for his or her behavior, your partner probably is not ready to change.
  2. You deserve to be safe and happy.
  3. Even if you are not ready to leave, you can still contact a domestic violence hotline or a local shelter for support, safety planning, and services.
  4. People want to help. Many services are available at no cost, including childcare, temporary housing, job training, and legal aid.
  5. You need support. Reach out to people you trust.

If you have been abused or attacked, you may feel terribly afraid, confused, shocked, angry, or emotionally numb. Every woman is different, and all these feelings are natural.

Experiencing abuse or an attack can lead to serious mental health problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety. If you have experienced violence, a mental health professional can help. A counselor or therapist can work with you to deal with your emotions, build self-esteem, and develop coping skills. You can ask your doctor for the name of a therapist, or search an online list of mental health services. Learn more about getting help for your mental health.Some abused women try using drugs, alcohol, smoking, or overeating to cope, but this can lead to greater physical and emotional problems. Talk to a doctor, nurse, or therapist for help with these   behaviors. Look for healthy ways to reduce stress. Try exercise, deep-breathing or other relaxation techniques, and reaching out for support to friends, family, and community groups.

Sometimes, violence that happened long ago still can affect you. Even if many years have passed since you were abused, you still can get help from a mental health professional.

Fantasy Bonds

One common theme in a toxic relationship involves the partners’ intense draw toward each other, despite the pain they both cause one another. This is apparent with a couple who have entered into a “Fantasy Bond,” a term developed by psychologist and author Dr. Robert Firestone to describe an illusion of connection created between two people that helps alleviate their individual fears by forging a false sense of connection. A fantasy bond is toxic to a relationship because it replaces real feelings of love and support with a desire to fuse identities and operate as a unit. As the couple relates as a “we” instead of a “you” and “me,” their relationship becomes more about form (based on appearances and roles) than substance (based on genuine feeling and authenticity).

Ties that Bind

Getting to know one’s self and one’s patterns is key to avoiding a difficult relationship. If you find yourself in a dramatic or complicated relationship, you have to first decipher whether you have chosen someone undesirable for negative reasons from your past or whether you are pushing away someone you really care for, because of your own limitations, fears or defenses. If you identify the negative traits that have attracted you to your partner, you can consciously choose to look for someone different. If you realize that the person you have chosen has a lot of the positive qualities you desire, you can look for ways you are acting out in the relationship and aim to change your part of the dynamic that makes things turn sour. Once you understand yourself, you can clearly trace the paths that lead your relationship to unravel. You can take power over yourself and establish a healthier, more honest and fulfilling relationship.[2]

There are several factors that can influence your decision to remain in a difficult relationship or resist a commitment to constructive change. Practical considerations such as:

  • financial entanglement
  • limited financial resources
  • shared living quarters
  • impact on children
  • feared disapproval from others
  • possible disruption in career or other life plans

Are you plagued by thoughts like:

  • I’ll never find anyone else
  • I’m not attractive or interesting enough
  • I’m too old to change
  • If I work hard enough I should be able to save this relationship (successful women are particularly vulnerable to this one!)
  • I refuse to fail again
  • I am not worthy of something better
  • I am fearful

Do you have a pattern of unhealthy relationships? Ask yourself the following questions about your relationship(s) (past or present):

  • It seems to have potential but that potential is always just out of reach?
  • It persistently lacks what one or both partners need?
  • It involves two partners who are on drastically different wave-lengths?
  • Is there little common ground, little significant communication, and little enjoyment of each other?
  • It causes feelings of loneliness, rage, and despair?
  • Do I pick men who are unavailable (either emotionally or because they are in a commited relationship)?

At some time in our lives, each of us may feel overwhelmed and may need help dealing with our problems. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than 30 million Americans need help dealing with feelings and problems that seem beyond their control — problems with a marriage or relationship, a family situation, or dealing with losing a job, the death of a loved one, depression, stress, burnout, or substance abuse. Those losses and stresses of daily living can at times be significantly debilitating. Sometimes we need outside help from a trained, licensed professional in order to work through these problems. Through therapy, millions of Americans of all ages live healthier, more productive lives.

Consider Therapy If…

  • You feel an overwhelming and prolonged sense of helplessness and sadness, and your problems do not seem to get better despite your efforts and help from family and friends.
  • You are finding it difficult to carry out everyday activities: for example, you are unable to concentrate on assignments at work, and your job performance is suffering as a result.
  • You worry excessively, expect the worst, or are constantly on edge.
  • Your actions are harmful to yourself or to others: for instance, you are drinking too much alcohol, abusing drugs, or becoming overly argumentative and aggressive.

Psychotherapy is a collaborative effort between an individual and a therapist. It provides a supportive environment to talk openly and confidentially about concerns and feelings. Therapists consider maintaining your confidentiality extremely important and will answer your questions regarding those rare circumstances when confidential information must be shared.  Therapists apply scientifically validated procedures to help people change their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Psychotherapy may be performed by practitioners with a number of different qualifications, including psychologists, marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, counselors, psychiatric nurses, and psychiatrists.

 [1] http://cmhc.utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html  [2] http://www.psychalive.org/toxic-relationship/

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Understanding the Link Between Compulsive Behaviors and Attachment

11 Tuesday Mar 2014

Posted by in Depression, Eating Disorders, therapy for women

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Addictions and other compulsive behaviors are commonly referred to as “pleasure seeking activities”.  Some other self sabotaging, compulsive behaviors beyond the obvious drugs or alcohol include eating disorders, compulsive spending, gambling, promiscuity, and unhealthy relationships to name a few. Yet during treatment many suffering the consequences of destructive compulsive behaviors often relate that it has been a long time since they derived pleasure from it.  So if they no longer get a “high” from the behavior, why does the drive to use it grow stronger?

The attachment theory was developed through the study of mothers and infants, but scientists quickly realized that attachments play a crucial emotional role throughout our lives.

Looking more closely at human attachment, we are able to understand that compulsive behaviors may provide security rather than pleasure.  For example, when two people meet and form a romantic relationship, the initial romance is typically very exciting and pleasurable.  Many people who are falling in love seem intoxicated by their new love relationship.  But as familiarity grows, reality sneaks into the picture and imperfections and mismatches become apparent which have been ignored during the “blind love” phase.  These perceptions can lead to a breakup.  Usually, the shorter the relationship, the shorter the process of grieving the loss.

Couples who survive the doubting phase gradually transform their relationship from romantic intensity to more comforting pleasures, ie familiarity, security, and shared identity.  Most people prefer the less intense pleasures of a committed relationship to the excitement and pleasure of falling in love over and over again (relationship addiction and sexual addiction).  Although couples often miss the romantic intensity, the change is a natural biological and psychological process.  Attraction may bring people together, but lasting attachment is the result of familiarity, identity, and security which makes the idea of separation more devastating in a long-term committed relationship.  Romance provides excitement but attachments provide security which is far more valuable to us than any romance.  The loss of an attachment can cause a debilitating sense of loss and grief.

Relationships are only one example of the attachment process.  From a psychological standpoint, great importance has been given to the parent/child attachment as an indicator of the child’s emotional welfare in adulthood.  It can also apply to one’s chosen profession and can explain the feeling of  grief from a job loss, transition to a new career, or even retirement.  Attachments take many forms but most have the same characteristic process.  When they end in commitment, a new normal is established which is a fixed part of a person’s life.

Addiction comes from the Latin word for “attachment” and, psychologically, it follows the pattern of normal human attachment. During the early stages, addictive behaviors are intensely pleasurable. However, there are negative side effects from the very beginning—hangovers and other side effects of drug and alcohol abuse, physical complications of an eating disorder, financial setbacks from gambling, and the emotional distresses of unhealthy relationships. Many people end potentially addictive attachments due to these early warning signs and negative consequences. But in persons who develop addictions, their physical and cognitive resistance is not strong enough to overcome the relief or pleasure associated with the attachment or the complicated grief associated with its loss. As unhappy and miserable as they feel with their addictive behaviors, the unknowns of life without them as a coping mechanism is more terrifying.

For an outsider, it is obvious that addictive attachments are destructive.  Rather than providing security and survival, they cause pain, insecurity and destruction.  However in the brain they are coded through the same pathways that form our healthy attachments.  Recovery is a lengthy and complicated grief process.  How long does it take?  It can take years.  Treatment offers a safe place to begin the journey to recovery.  Continuing treatment and support groups offer encouragement and support along the way.  Recovery can be messy and  looks like any complicated grief process which forces the acceptance of a new reality.  It is often a bumpy path with many obstacles.  But for those that persevere, it results in freedom.

Bonnie Harken, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin.  Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you.  Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.

Reference:  Neil Presnall, Addiction and Recovery, February 2014

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The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists

10 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by in therapy for women

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The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists

Have you assessed the relationships in your life, both past and present, and wondered why you attract the same type of man or woman over and over?  There has been a lot written in the field of psychology about the attraction between codependents and narcissists.

Basically, narcissists focus on themselves; codependents focus on others.  For purposes of definition, a narcissist is a person who displays abnormal self-love with an exaggerated sense of superiority. They often seek attention and admiration from others and believe that they are better than others and are therefore entitled to special treatment. A narcissist is very charming in order to seduce people into liking them.  Their ability to seduce is amazing.  They want you to fall in love and bond with them so they can finally emerge as their true selves without being abandoned. The narcissist is attracted to the codependent who feels perfect to them because they are allowed to take the lead which makes them feel powerful, competent, and appreciated.  Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPD) is a personality disorder which can be diagnosed and treated by a mental health professional.

Codependency is a learned behavior in which a person enters a relationship with another person and becomes emotionally dependent on him or her. Codependent people maintain an exaggerated sense of responsibility toward the other people in their relationships. They tend to do more than their share in their relationships and are hurt when they do not get recognition for it. Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.  They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated.  They often are sensitive to criticism, are inflexible to change and have problems with intimacy.

Codependency is not considered a mental disorder.  However, it is a set of unhealthy behaviors which can cripple and sabotage the lives we desire because it involves manipulation, decision making and confrontation avoidance, over controlling, lack of trust, and perfectionism.

Codependents find narcissistic partners deeply appealing.  They are attracted to their charm, boldness, and confident personality.  When the narcissist and the codependent become partners, the romance sizzles with excitement in the beginning.  But the narcissist fears a loss of identity and is sensitive to everything that leads to bonding.  They might pick fights and uproars to avoid bonding, use seduce and withhold behaviors, and many other ways to sabotage intimacy and bonding.   Eventually the thrilling romance transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and feeling trapped.

Codependents confuse care taking and sacrifice with loyalty and love.  They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated. Codependents desire harmony and balance but they consistently chose a partner to whom they are initially attracted but will eventually resent.  They are resistant to leaving their partner because of their lack of self esteem and self respect.  What they fail to realize is that without self esteem or self respect, they are  incapable of choosing a mutually giving and unconditionally loving partner.  Their fear of being alone, compulsion to fix the relationship at any cost, and comfort with the martyr role is often an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child. Although codependents dream of an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to pick narcissistic partners.

Both forms of dysfunction are often the result of childhood experiences.  The narcissist has often experienced excessive pampering, neglect, or abuse.  The codependent has usually learned the behavior from other family members. It is important to note neither condition is gender specific. A narcissist can be a man or woman and likewise a codependent can be a man or woman. Narcissists are often sex addicts or love addicts.   In the past male narcissistic sex addicts have been referred to as “Don Juan or Casanova” and females as “black widow spiders”.

In psychotherapy narcissists are encouraged to develop more realistic self-esteem and expectations for other people. Codependents benefit from group therapy to help them rediscover their identity and stop self-defeating behavior.

Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction and passion.  Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non denominational Christian perspective.  Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you.

Our next program:  Learning to Love Yourself, Saturday October 25th – Tuesday October 28th!  There is still time to be part of this compassionate journey to self-acceptance and healing pathway to self-fulfillment, a Four Day Intensive Outpatient Program.  Click on this link or copy and paste into your browser for more information!http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com/WellsofChangeProgram.html
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com

800-348-0937

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[1] Article references available upon request

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Wells of Change Outpatient Program at Crossroads

10 Monday Feb 2014

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Wells of Change 4 day Intensive Outpatient Program for Women
Excerpts from a conversation with Kellie Branch-Dircks, LCSW, and Lynne Oliver, LCSW, about this life changing intensive outpatient program for women.
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com
800-348-0937

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Updated Video on Our 5 Day Intensive Outpatient Program

10 Monday Feb 2014

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During this 5 day intensive outpatient program with expert guidance and a supportive environment of women who share your struggles, you will begin to understand the “why’s” and learn how to move beyond today with a new confidence to change your life!
http://www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com
800-348-0937